Or anyone else who also wants to contact me, feel free to do so through email

Well, in this case, no news was bad news. As some may have read in the SSA forum, I had a challenge face me starting Monday. I decided to chalk that one up as a fall, because to me, it really was. (Maybe this is my way of saying that I expect better of myself. On the bright side, compared with what I was viewing mid-to-late April, this week has been a picnic!) I know my Monday pre-occupation wasn't healthy; further proof is that when I saw someone on the subway platform who attracted my attention [never seen him before], I made sure to sit in the same car that he got into. And I'll just say that I took advantage of his total immersion in his phone/device to stare, off and on.

(As an added whammy min hashamayim, this same guy-- never seen before Monday-- was also on the subway platform going home Tuesday!! Tuesday's end result was better, but not really for good reasons. I entered the same subway car he did, realized that because he sat way up near the front, there weren't many seats I could view him from, and I didn't want him to see me and consider whether I was stalking him-- which in a sense, maybe I was. So, I walked out and ended yesterday's saga by finding a seat a couple of cars back.)

Today, I did go to the lecture I mentioned in my other post. (Yes, I knew this was a bad idea. Yes, I could tell that I was getting a little more energized about going than a simple lunchtime lecture warranted.) The fact is that the topic was quite interesting. And being in the same lecture hall as Ploni #2 was only slightly charged for me. Basically, I was going to a lecture, and I learned something. Later on today, though, in seeking out pictures of the lecturer, I crossed the line, and I marked myself down for another fall today.

So, tomorrow will be another day. I'm looking forward to starting again.

I also had a fall today, so we can start again together

Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. I completely understand and I struggle the same way all the time. Just today my main trigger at work met me in the hallway and we had a nice long shmooze and I tried to tune out the attraction and just enjoy conversing with a friend.

But I think you're being a little hard on yourself calling that a fall. Sure we need to avoid those second looks, or deliberately putting ourselves into challenging situations. I also wanted perfection at the beginning and I tried so hard to never see anything but after a while it was so exhausting and draining. The truth is that lately I haven't been that good about it, and your posts are giving me chizuk to be more vigilant. But if I clicked fell every time I took a second look at a guy on the train or in the street I would never even make it to 90 minutes.

Gevura --

Thanks for your input. I know that I'm hard on myself; I knew that I wanted to include some flavor of that in my writings here because... well, because I can see it from two angles. The sincere-- this is what I've got to do-- and the-- hello, do you hear yourself talking?? angle. Anyway, this part of me is very ingrained, so it's going to be here with me in my writings.

As I elaborated a bit, when this preoccupation led me to following some guy onto his subway car, I knew I was digging myself deeper. I decided to consider this a fall.

But I think this way of evaluating works for me.

I also know what you mean about seeing someone on the street. By the way, I occasionally take advantage of my abysmal near-sightedness. Not often enough, but when the spirit moves me, I sometimes ease my glasses way down my nose so that I'm not actually looking through the lenses as I walk down the street. This would never work if I needed fine perception, but it's OK for making sure I don't slam into a tree. It's actually a very helpful way of turning off the view outside, and I can feel some tangible relief that I'm not on alert for every attractive face. I just mosey on down the street like Mr. Magoo. I'll throw this trick out there for any of our fellow Jews (or non-Jews) with lousy eyesight.

More to write... but the Shabbos Queen awaits...

Business is now closed and girl in question is far away in drug rehab. So no longer a danger.

Well, I had my third (I think) fall since I started the 90 day chart. The chart had been very motivational for me, but I'm feeling a bit discouraged now. Will I be going through a cycle of 1-2 weeks clean, then starting all over again?

Today does feel like (and IS!!) a new start, so I'll move on from here.

Sorry to hear. But look at it this way: you're going through a process, and you keep moving upwards, even if you have a setback every now and then. With time and Hashem's help you'll build up your resistance and hopefully the falls will become fewer. Don't be discouraged.

The 90 day chart is not about real change. It's about short-term shot-in-the-arm motivation. When the motivation wears off, the real work begins... Welcome to stage 2

Gevura Shebyesod


xyxorwa answers


xyxorwa, if you look at your most recent post ... maybe being so strict is not working so well afterall. Tefasta Meruba lo tefasta.
Good Luck

hope ur doing better today. have a gr8 Shabbos.

hope u r doing better now.

here is another brother who undertands these ssa feelings with all the guilt and shame. BH doing much better with live SA meetings and program brothers.

I am pleased to say that I passed one test, and it went pretty easily.

I share an office with another person. This has good points and bad points, but it's terrific for helping curtail "bad" Internet use. But if my office mate was out for a day or several days, I would often worry about slipping, and-- beyond worrying-- it would often happen.

Well, she just spent a full week in Europe, and I'm glad to say that I didn't have a problem keeping myself from searching for explicit stuff on my computer. (Of course, news and puzzles were still a problem, but we'll take it one level at a time.) I guess the feeling of committing to the 90-day pledge is helping to support me.

Hey XY... glad to hear of ur victory!!! keep it going. identify with the urge to use the computer when i am alone in the office.