Question #3 (I have a lot of them, because I'm new to the life altering journey)
I find that when things in life e.g Marriage, College, Work, Children, Parnasah ETC.
are going for the most part "well" i find that although lust and a desire to watch porn do enter my mind i find that i DO slip but NOT as much-as when problems arise with e.g Marriage, College, Work, Children, Parnasah ETC. When things get stressful the desire magnifies and the burning of lust and desire is even more, and I am more likely to slip much, much more……so my question for my fellow GYE Chevrah is the following-B'h i found GYE a couple of weeks ago and i am soaking in all of GYE info…e.g the 12 steps, the Chizuk newsletters, etc. I am b'h Completely clean for 5 days now, and things in life right now are not that stressful, my question for you guys are what happens when things in life do get stressful,?(because its going to happen sooner or later because thats the nature of life) what should my approach be when the stressful situation do arise?

I like the question. I could have asked it myself. I'm really interested to hear what others will say. Especially old hands who've really walked the 12 steps.
Please do chime on Chevra.

Good question, it actually summarizes the nature of our addiction in a nutshell.

We're acting out in response to stressful life for two main reasons: first is the dopamine that "relaxes" our brain, and the second is our tendency to immerse in the imaginary world (of porn and false "women") instead of dealing with our though situation.

After understanding "the exact nature of our wrongs" we can easily understand the required solution. We need to focus in our reality and learn to cope with our emotions. There is no other way, without these two things nobody can heal. Nobody.

In most addictions they use to point out HALT condition which stands for hungry, angry, lonely and tired. You can add some like bored and anxious. Anyway, learn to identify the feelings that most likely to awake the "urges" (yup, these are usually not real sexual urges) and learn to cope with them. Stay away from situations that make you angry, don't miss meals and sleep well.

For the second part - make yourself a life plan, find ideas how to improve your situations and work hard to achieve your goals.

Keep yourself busy and productive - it'll improve your situation and reduce the tough feelings on one hand and you won't have enough time for urges and lies on the other one. When you do feel these feelings understand them, identify them and deal with them.

Keep it real.

Ditto to improvementway!

Well written!!

As the saying goes, "Lust is not our problem, it is our solution"

I found (when I was sober) that it was extremely helpful to put a call through to a friend, to acknowledge the feeling and verbally "surrender" it.

KOP!! You're learning quick, but change takes time.

KOMT brother!!!

Thank you Pidaini,


"I found (when I was sober) that it was extremely helpful to put a call through to a friend, to acknowledge the feeling and verbally "surrender" it."

Great Advice!

Thank you Improvementway for the advice. I found it very helpful, clear, and informative.

Your more than welcome fighter.

I'm actually pretty surprised you have got my idea with this galore of typos...

Hi,I was reading thru one of JACK'S Articles titles "9 Tips"

His 6th tip was-

"Throw out all Hollywood movies in the house - they are poison to an addict."

I asked JACK and I want to ask all of you your opinions as well. I am new to this, and new to this journey-on day 8.
By not having Hollywood movies in your home does it mean all movies and Tv shows? or just the more rated R movies and TV shows? Although I understand the "poison" of Movies/TV shows, I still find that for me to completely (cold turkey) stop watching Movies or TV shows is really tough, do you guys have a Method, Approach or Advice how I can slowly ween myself off from watching Movies and TV shows completely.
Thank you!

Hi
Improvement is 100% correct. The AA book as well as the SA book and the 12 steps never discuss drinking or lusting. It is all about understanding ourselves and the emotions that make us want to medicate ourselves with our vices. We need to be very conscious to feel from what we are trying to escape from into our fantasy world of lust. Once we discover ourselves and we face raw life with all its challenges and pain and we learn how to deal with life with the help of hkb"h, we feel so alive and empowered to really live life without being "sedated". We then no longer need our fantasy escape mechanisms.
We are finally alive with all its refreshing glory.
I have just begun to finally realize that my lust is just a symptom of my real issues that I have tried until recently to escape from rather than tackle. I am somewhat overwhelmed now that I see the mountain in front of me that I must tackle without my fantasy escape. But I know that hkbh will help me and I will not stop nagging him for help. I will finally break free from the shackles of fantasy and realize my true potential. It wont be easy but it will be great.

Good question, fightingyid!

I have found the movie situation to be one of the hardest parts of breaking free. In the beginning it was actually online games and movies, but I am more or less clean from online games for a very long time, but movies is still a big obstacle for me.

Let's not kid ourselves, there is a reason I don't want to stop watching movies. For one, it is an awesome escape! d For me, it is diving into a world where there is always something exciting happening (if not, it wouldn't make it to a movie), and even the scary parts have the advantage of getting my adrenalin running without the disadvantage of me actually being affected by it!! What could be better? It takes me away from my more boring life, and the one that does affect me.

Secondly, it doesn't have the same side effects as porn does. I can rationalize that it's not that bad.

BUT, that being said, how many hours do I waste watching them? Do I not almost always end up going to porn after the movies are over? Are there not almost always provocative (if not outright nude) scenes in any good movie?

I would have to say that Jack is correct, it is certainly not an easy thing to do, but the first step is knowing what the plan is.

KUTGW!!! KOMT!!!

fightingyid wrote:


When you really work the 12 steps, or those who have true emunah, those times don't really happen...when you realize you are walkin' with God, what is there to get stressed about?
People mistakenly think the 12 steps is about removin' addictions; it is about livin' a higher standard of life (like it was expressed above).

b'hatzlachah

Thanks, Pidaini, great advice, it's nice to know that others can relate to me and my struggles, and help me figure out how to deal with them.

What a great post!

Thanks Cordnoy!!!

"People mistakenly think the 12 steps is about removin' addictions; it is about livin' a higher standard of life"

You could not have said it better, thanks for the Chizuk!

First of all thank you to the GYE family for all of your amazing answers, insight, advice and chizuk to my previous questions.
You inspired me, were non judgmental and made me feel comfortable and at home to share my experiences with you and ask you questions. In the past I have never had the guts to face or talk about my issues before.

Two weeks ago I was feeling low, sad, and sick of myself. Thank God I decided to check out GYE, and to make a long story short i am now clean for 10 days. I feel rejuvenated spiritually, emotionally, and physically .For the first time in a long time, although i'm learning that it's a long journey, a day by day journey, I think i begin to see the light at the end of the DARK and TWISTED tunnel.
So for that I just wan't to thank you guys and thank GYE.

My Question Is-I have been clean for 10 days now and my wife has been a Niddah for the past two weeks (she has not been a niddah for a good couple of years because of nursing etc.) and Mikvah Night is coming up very soon……..I have been reading a lot on the GYE forums that Intimacy should be about her…my question is-I haven't had intimacy for a couple of weeks, how do I make it about her, and not about me?
In the past i realize that i haven't really tried making it about her, because i found that even when I "Made it all about her" it was really all about me.

Any of your, answers, advice and opinions would be great!

Thank you!