Hi everyone. I'm with this wonderful program for a few months but never posted anything until now. I keep on trying to hit 90 days and keep on falling. I just fell again which is why I am starting to post. My story is not a very long and complicated one. I'm married B"H and have a few children B"H and have many good things going for me. I am a very well respected person. However for as long as I can remember I had this very very strong urge to look at woman. The non Jewish ones for the way they dress (or the lack of dress) and for the Jewish ones the way they Dress up so well. I never acted out or did anything.
After I got married however It became a little worse since I had more freedom to go where I want. I used to go to the local libraries and look for bad books and read them. I called these 800 numbers. Then things got a bit worse because I needed internet in my house for my business and of course I got a filter but all the times when the filter was broken or when I got a new phone and didn't get a filter yet I was all over the place online. At every bad site... And even after I got a filter on my phone I tried so hard to go around it.

The nature of my business is that I'm around jewish woman and it makes it soooo hard for me. I am extremely observant and notice everything. I always "wish" that my wife would dress as well as they do even though I know that they are very wrong for dressing like that. (Can someone PLEASE tell me that even if you have a very pretty and well dressed wife you still want more)

I tried many many times when I was younger to control my eyes and I did have a few very very long clean streaks. However now I am not able to get too far. I have a very strong filter on my phone and computer but when I get this really strong urge I find my way around. Whenever I'm at a unfiltered computer I go nuts. I go to all those sites with a mixture of excitement and extreme guilt and then when I finish I am so depressed that I fell again.
I grew up in a pretty unhappy house and not the most functional one either. So now I have to fight to stay happy all the time. And when I get into a unhappy mood everyone know what that means...

How will I ever reach 90 days?
When am I gonna stop being so jealous of those husbands that have those very pretty wives?
Is it possible to stop that mighty urge to look at every woman that walks by me?

Of course it is true that no matter what your wife looks like you want more. Did you not go to different sights looking for a woman that was different in some way. the Y"H fools us that another woman is somehow gonna be better - only to leave us ultimately still searching. By the way I bet other men look at your wife and wish they had her.

As for P____by now you've seen it all. Same parts - same movements - same filth- same depression.
This looking at other women thing is my biggest challenge right now. I have a a derech that I have learned from different people - mostly on the forum. It has helped me big time but I still slip here and there.In short this is it. Other women: simply not my business - they are people and not objects of my desire -
Don't be curious in general and look around. If you don't look at the things that are mutar it will roll over to help you not look at the things that are assur.
If you slip and gaze for a moment - follow the 3 second rule and don't beat yourself up
Remember G-d wants us to constantly work on improvement - sudden/automatic perfection is for G-d alone.

Glad to have you on board!

Welcome,

Just to be clear please: you never acted, but you keep fallin'?
The 'fall' is when you look at a woman!?
b'hatzlachah on 90!

I don't know this first hand, but they say that havin a pretty wife doesn't help much....why don't you just ask ..... and .....? They will tell you. Did/do i want a pretty wife? Yes; but we shouldn't, and we must know that it won't make it any better.

b'hatzlachah to you

yiraishamaim wrote:


While I like the rest of your post, i do not know what is to be gained by this line. Anyone that is interested in watchin' porn does not agree with this; it is not the same parts and the same movements, and if it is, we want it anyway! When do we stop eatin' ice cream, enjoyin' steak, da bulls winnin' another championship! We don't get bored of these things.

The filth? If it would be filth, do ya' think we'd all have this problem? Let's stop kiddin' around. Yes, it is assur, and bad for our souls, etc.? Yes, it sure is, but for an addict, or for one who is pornin', he doesn't view it as filth.

Anyways, keep postin' and keep bein' mechazek people.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome to the forum! That was a great share; very open and honest! Having a wife that looks like the women you are lusting after will not help. When you see those husbands with pretty wives, don't assume they are so happy. And if they are happy, it isn't because they like the way their wife looks.

As far looking at women goes, maybe try what worked for me. You have nothing to lose. The next time you see another person, even in the corner of your eye, don't even look to see if it's even a man or a woman. I have found that it's curiosity that killed the cat. And to help you do that, here's my thought process, I have no need to see who that is, My eyes should be focused on where I'm walking, on the road, on my kids, on my work etc. And anyway, if it's man, I don't care to look and if it's an attractive woman I don't want to look. So there's no reason to look at anyone. And how they dress is none of our business.

hatzlacha!

cordnoy - I truly understand where you are coming from. However, I will say that I have received private messages that said after having read my description of - picturing looking at yourself from the outside acting out - how pathetic, filthy etc it is. they did not M___ that evening.

Not a long term plan for success I grant you, but it helped that night for some guy.

Falling meaning, spending an hour or two look at porn pics and videos. And of course then feeling very depressed about it

Thanks for your honesty! Keep posting!

Welcome!

As has already been said by those before me, having a beautiful wife absolutely does not help. If your wife dressed differently, it also wouldn't help.

You can definitely get clean, it is possible...and you can get to 90 days, and beyond - one day at a time. Because all you can do is deal with today, deal with right now - you can't pass tomorrow's challenges today! That'll have to wait till tomorrow.

But one day at a time, you can live life the way you truly want to, each day.

WELCOME! Great share. Thank you. I have some comments that I will intersperse with your post.

butterfly wrote:
Been there done that. Counting days is not a program of any sort. It is just a means of motivation. For an addict, it is not usually that effective. We like to say "take it one day at a time. Before you know it, the days will add up. Just don't count them.

butterfly wrote:
Very common.
butterfly wrote:
also very common. Some have more trouble with the Jewish "tznius" ones. Some more trouble with goyim. for some, it makes no difference.

butterfly wrote:
all very typical. Filters only work, if we do not test them.

butterfly wrote:
The nature of the beast, is that we ALWAYS want more. It CAN NEVER be satisfied. The only way to be satisfied is to give it up. (lusting that is)

butterfly wrote:
EXTREMELY important realization. For many of us, these "emotional" triggers are the real problem most of the time. THIS is where the main avodah is!

butterfly wrote:
Stop worrying about 90, and worry about today.

butterfly wrote:
quite possible to get much better at it. Shmiras aynayim in the street can be the hardest part, because it is all around and easy to rationalize, but YES it is possible to be very successful. We talk about "progressive victory over lust". It doesn't happen all at once, and we don't progress in a straight line.

Stick around, read the handbook. Many people have been helped here. You seem to have the desire and self-honesty to be successful.

I grew up in a pretty unhappy house and not the most functional one either. So now I have to fight to stay happy all the time. And when I get into a unhappy mood everyone know what that means...

I agree with Gibbor120's posts 100%-dealing with the emotional triggers and focusing on one day at a time as well as getting the benefit of discussing your issues with others who have the same or similar issues are all important parts of your avodah here.

Hi Everybody
I am so moved from all the responses that I've got! I really am. Seeing that there are other people who are/were in the same boat and managed to get up and get a hold of their challenges is very encouraging. I also feel so good knowing that there people out there who sincerely want to help their fellow strugglers overcome this. I will try to continue posting and hopefully be able to "take one day at a time" which sounds so true. I'm not fooling myself and I know that it'll be tough but I will try again. Thanks again.

I'm new, whats the 3 second rule?

The Three Second Rule
by Kedusha (See all authors)

As you may know, addiction therapist Michelle Rappaport was a guest on Elya's conference call this past Thursday night. I would like to share one important point that was mentioned that really seems to help me:
The "Three-Second Rule:" If you see something inappropriate, implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that you're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close your eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, b'Ezras Hashem, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage.
Adhering to the three-second rule appears to be fully consistent with what the Halacha requires, and will also prevent any "slips" within rule #8 of the GYE Wall of Honor Rules. This is crucial, because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip").
This "rule" has got to make it into the next edition of the GYE Handbook. I've been on a high since I heard it.
Many times, people on the forum say things like, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes this poor soul feel guilty, when he's done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to slips and falls, c"v. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are you expected to look away.
(Highlights from the last time Ms. Rappaport appeared on Elya's call are available here).