Shlomo to the rescue again! Gonna make it tonight!!

Goin out for a long walk now hopefully attack will go away....

An aside note, with these thoughts in my head now, we know how tonight will look, like (cordony , dov, ?) says the bedroom is just a stage with the wife the actor and me acting out my fantasies.

So Is that considered victory if I don't act out now? All I'm doing is waiting to act out in a heter way.... Not really a "won" battle....
Or is this my YH talking.....

Hope

shlomo613 wrote:


Yea sympathy just gives people the excuse to stay stuck, I'm not looking for that. I need to get out of here once and for all.

As for the 12 steps, 2 points 1. I'm afraid and ashamed to go. 2. Originally I thought I would have to go especially since it's helped so many people and endorsed by so many as well. R' Twerski says it's the only way out of an addiction.

However my problem is that the more I read about it the more I see who different of an approach it is from what I believe -and I could be wrong - my addiction stems from. I know everyone says here on GYE that this addiction is like leading a double life, not honest, and all about "me".

I don't see it that way. I believe I have a serious addiction and I'm not shirking my responsibility towards it, but I believe it comes from lots and lots of stress and emotional issues, and not having the tools to deal properly with life's stresses.

It's my limited understanding -from just reading here on GYE - that the 12 steps go in a different direction.....

Hope

Daily Sobriety Renewal

1. Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust and self?

2. Do you desire sobriety and freedom from the actions and obsessions of lust and self for the next 24 hours?

3. Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect your sobriety for the next 24 hours, including: a) rigorous honesty b) praying to God c) calling on others d) forgiving all resentments e) refusing all hits as toxic f) reading literature g) going to meetings h) setting boundaries i) maintaining an attitude of gratitude

4. Do you realize that this renewal does not keep us sober - GOD DOES - however, it does help us to be aware of ourselves and to be accountable to others

5. Do you understand that this renewal is for this 24 hours, and that tomorrow you are free to go another way, make other choices?

6. Are you willing with me now, to turn your will and your life over to the care of God, the one who kept you sober yesterday and protected you from the full consequences of your lust in the past?

7. Have you done anything in the last 24 hours that you are ashamed of? violated any boundaries? Have you done anything you are grateful for during the past 24 hours?

8. Are you planning anything you would be ashamed of during the next 24 hours?
Anything you would be grateful for in the next 24 hours?

To repeat what I've heard others say in similar contexts: Your way has not been working for you so well. You're a valve waiting to explode. You need to be doing something different. And the 12 steps promises it, and many have seen success with it. So, hello??
I think you were honest and revealing in the first thing you said: you're scared. With regards to that point here goes:
First I confess to only having been to live meetings and phone conferences a few times - so no pretenses here. (If you want to see more about why hat is look at my thread).
I can tell you that I was scared before I went to the live group but it was okay. The fear was before, and there was a moment I discomfort when I met guys I know - but we're all dirty addicts and in the same boat so it was really a shared bond we felt we developed.
The white book and I'm sure the big book explain the maalos and imperative of group work.
I think I've seen somewhere something to the effect (and this is my experience) that going to a live group is really a big demonstration of 'bitul' - and it brings a huge amount of shefa from shamayim in getting over this addiction.
Imagine - when you go there you are saying: I prefer to kill myself - my pride - in order to live a good life of health, integrity and sobriety. What bigger korban do you have than that? This was my experience of it. In every area of my life where I have been prepared to let go of all pride I have seen ENORMOUS bracha.
Do try to come round to the idea of a live group. Arrange one for this evening (before mikva) or for Monday night. Just making that commitment will already be a down payment that Hashem will carry you forwards with.
If you can only bring yourself to join the phone conference that's also a good step. But you must confess your addiction clearly - and admit what you want to do.
That's my tuppence worth - from someone with less sobriety than you.
With regard to your other reasons for not going: I'm just hearing blablabla. And by the way, before I developed sobriety I had stress, anxiety, anger - every mental and emotional affliction. They fell away with the 12 steps (and a hisboidedus guided by them).
With love.
Shlomo

And with regard to your concerns that being with your wife is a stage for your lust.
I admit that I must have been disgusting to my wife in the past when I was completely in the grips of my lust. And I'm far from free and I'm sure there's a load of lust still at play. And I know that I'm not selfless enough in bed.
With regard to you: Given the challenges on your plate, I think the success Hashem wants to see from you is a decision to attend a live group. And maybe JUST an aspiration to give your wife pleasure because she is a a person with needs. And she is your wife in your care.
And practically speaking, based on what I've read so far from rabbi shalom arush (my rebbi if I may say so): Do negel vasser both of you before. Do it under the blanket in the dark. And that's plenty good for now.
In two years time maybe you can move on to something more.
What I've said is from my gut and heart - cos I've got little in my head.
Hatzlacha
Shlomo

don't know if you're addicted or not, but the 12 steps help a person deal with life's stresses.
There are other ways as well.

b'hatzlachah on tonight and all other nights.

shlomo613 wrote:


I agree 1000% I'm a valve ready to explode. If I don't take charge now, I'm extremely close to the next level..... Secretly I'm hoping I'll fall now so I can have the excuse to fall to the new low after that...... And say, "see I tried but I can't". Hashem's not helping me.. Etc....

Maybe it's cause I haven't reached rock bottom yet. I have gotten away with P&M forever so I'll get away with other stuff too.... I don't know I'm so confused,....

I was doing so well the last 75 days, not sure why this is happening....

Thanks serenity for your post I'm just too overwhelmed to read and respond....

Hope

shlomo613 wrote:


I agree with you on this too, I think right now I must work on getting myself to a live meeting. I thought I can do this alone and just through posting and charts... Not enough for a sick guy like me:(

Hope

Thank you. Really do try to make yourself go. You will most likely be pleasantly surprised by the experience. And it will help you so very much. NOW find out where there is a group. I think the GYE website might have a directory somewhere. If not maybe if you post a message on the forum or on the chats I'm sure people will direct you. Remember the groups does not work its magic by needing to use all the immense effort your expending now. It's admitting your weaknesses to a group. And somehow it works its magic over time.

Reb Cordnoy,
Sorry. I never thought that he may not be an addict. I suppose you mean that it can be detrimental for a non-addict to attend one of these things.
But what do you suggest he does, seeing that he can'y manage alone?
Shlomo

I fell

Why!?!?

(no)Hope

A fall is just so you can get up again. We all fall. It is what we do afterwards that counts. We say in Maariv: וְהָסֵר שטָן מִלְפָנֵינוּ וּמֵאַחֲרֵינוּ - Yes, it's sometimes not the fall itself that will keep us down... It's the afterwards that we now have to watch. You're already after the fall, just ignore this and get up clean again and move on. Don't let this dwell on you. It's the next day that you have ahead of you. Make it your best day to come.

There's always hope. Glad your here, sharing and being honest.

shlomo613 wrote:


I never meant or said such a thin'.

That's okay. It's something that has happened to all of us from time to time. You just want to make it as rare as possible and don't get discouraged. Because the fall is no big deal - it's what it does to you. How many shachrises do you miss as a result - that's where the soton really gets you.
So very well done for posting and stay connected with us. Keep your spirits up and know that the 70+ days you stayed clean so far are a massive deposit that is not lost.
I must say that I was quite amazed that your first serious effort lasted so long. It is truly incredible. I also knew you would fall. We're not malachim - and growth is a process wherein we learn from our falls (the lesson may not be apparent immediately).
I've been working on this for some 3-4 years and I've had plenty of falls, but one thing ive done is I've picked myself up and carried on. And therein lies success.
I think attitude plays a crucial role in this (getting up after a fall). You see, addicts tend to see things in terms of vistas of kedusha, "all the madreigos and hasagos I had I've now lost; I'm now filthy". This thinking is part of the addictive process, and in my experience we've go to move away from that in order to slowly lose the addictive cycle that addicts have.
The sforim hakedoshim talk lots about this and I hope others will expand on this point and support me wih sources.
For example, the maariv you daven after you've just acted out and feel so diatant and repulsive to Hashem, where you are indeed so low - is so chashuv and dear to Hashem. By Yitzchak it says: vayarach es rei'ach BEGADAV vayishakeyhu". The sforim (or forgotten who, maybe medrash or Zohar) says that you should read it as BOGDAV. Hashem smelled the scent of his sinners and blessed him.
Look at you hopeful. You sinner;). It was us that Yitzchak smelled, was pleased and blessed Yaakov!
Love.
Shlomo