I can't believe that I'm actually starting to post, especially about something I always thought I'd take with me to my grave alone. I've long ago (before I signed up for GYE) given up on ever beating this horrible disease. It seemed like a losing battle, so why try, right? But then I came across GYE and it's been beyond anything I could've hoped for. But let me first introduce myself to everyone and get to know each other. Everyone here seems so open and honest with themselves it's so refreshing....

I can't seem to remember when and how it all started but i can remember mast..... when I was 13 (maybe even younger I'm not sure) I remember doing it in the shower at home fantasizing about my next door neighbor -who was much older and I had nothing todo with ever, no girl friend or anything - who was just really pretty and I would get lost in fantasy. Lots of just looking at magazines, bikini clad women... And some more mast.....

And then the promises. The promises how I would never do it again. And the guilt. And how much of it! I would feel so horrible about myself. Years of trying to stop and years of feeling how Hashem must hate me, obviously didn't help, other then make a bad situation even worse. Later on in yeshivah I would to run to the bathroom to mast.... (can't remember the frequency) often and berate myself and try to stop but couldn't obviously.

I would buy newspapers. Even Jewish ones. Anything that had pictures of girls. I wasn't picky if it resembled a girl it was fine. I even had a book in yeshivah which was actually a holocaust book, that had some family pictures and I'd mast.... on those. And how I would feel so guilty that I'd mast..... I mean on a holocaust book!?

I'd beg and cry to Hashem to help me that He take away this nisayon, even if it meant never having kids. I'm sure you can relate...

Then came technology cellphones and movies. I'd buy a SIM card and surf for naked images on my phone and mast... Then I'd break the SIM card promising myself never again.... Yea yea.... Then go and buy some more SIM cards. I always wanted to break the phone out of frustration but was never able to.

Then I got married and whadda you know?? Marriage did not solve the problem! No chiddush here....

Just another incident I remember.... before I got engaged even before the shidduch was redt, I made a Kabbalah that I would abstain, as a zchus for myself to get engaged. It was so painful. White knuckling all day. Wrestling back and forth yes no yes no, and I wasn't even successful. I made it for about 4 weeks (longest probably ever, until now) and mast...even before I got engaged. Hashem did his part of the deal but I couldn't come thru,.... I remember not actually touching my eiver because I said I wouldn't, but I writhered in bed rubbing myself until I just let lose....

I was convinced I'd never have any kids as a punishment from shamayim. I believed Hashem hated me and so I grow up with a relationship with Him that if I'm good Hashem will take care of me and if not He'd hurt me very badly. A real childish way of thinking, but something I struggle with until this very day. I'm trying to feel His infinite kindness and mercy, but it's tough.

So I got married and have the most adorable kids. But my addiction didn't get better. Especially with an iPad at home that was filtered and not supposed to be at home in the first place.... It was then, about 4-5 years ago, then I started watching real hard core p..n and it just got worse and worse. Weekly, daily, anything stressful would send me straight to my iPad. It didn't help that my father passed away, which added loads to my plate and I just needed my drug even more then ever

After having been hooked on mast.. & p..n for so long I couldn't imagine ever stopping. Until I watched the GYE video last month. I said I gotta give it a try. I signed up. Took the 90 day challenge I'm up to 45! days clean. Never reached that, I don't think. I started reading the attitude book, the white book, the 12 steps, the forums, and it's all been such an eye opener for me. I now realize that porn comes after lust and lust means (for me) just looking at modestly dressed women who are pretty. I never realized how harmful just looking was for me. Then I realized that after every look came a fantasy. On that woman or about others. I have come to realize -thru GYE - that looking for me, equals watching porn. Cause if I look today I will definitely be watching porn tomorrow.

And as a result the past few weeks my eyes are sealed shut. I don't look anywhere I shouldn't. On the streets on the subways, I even took of my glasses when day last week, when I took the train to Manhattan. And I was like that's for frummies, c'mon! Be normal, but yea for someone as sick as me, I need to do that for my sanity.

Not looking has helped me take the battlefield away from porn, where I stand no chance, to a bit smaller fight, (still mighty hard, but doable) my thoughts. Anytime a fantasy thought pops into my head I remind myself, if I delve into it, I'll end up at the screen where I will definitely lose. It's also helped not have to feel as if I'm fighting and fighting and tiring out. I'm actually surprised, I thought it would've been much harder. The other times I've tried to stop were white knuckling and impossible. This time it's tough and hard, but it's about me not lusting. If I lust in my thoughts about other women I cannot abstain. However if don't fantasize, I stand I chance.

The past few weeks have been extremely stressful for me yet I haven't had too many urges to act out bh.

Its allowed me to finally feel good about myself and be closer to Hashem in many ways. Closer to my wife and kids. Much calmer with myself. This pesach I feel a real personal yitzias mitzrayim. Finally out of slavery. Finally some real hope.

Anyway I hope I didn't tire anyone reading this, it's just so exciting to be writing this out and I'm dying to get into the other topics around here but I figured I'd post here first. Reading the forums and everyone's tips and suggestions have proven to be a great help. So happy to be here Baruch HaShem.

Welcome Hopeful2!!!

Thanks for that amazing post. Wow!!!

Wishing you loads of hatzlacha and siyata d'shmayah!!!

Keep up the good work, Keep on posting !!!

That was obviously one of the most powerfull post I read here, thank you so much for sharing that with us !
Please don't be shy to post anymore because your story, your approach and your advices will surely help others !

Happy to have you with us and for your own Yetsiat Mitsraim !
Hoping to have more good news from you soon !!

Thank you dd & Palti-Yossef for the welcome. Thanks for the chizuk!

I will definitely be posting more, but how do i deal with the fact that I'm writing this stuff out in the open, on the internet for everyone to see? I know I'm anonymous but it's still pretty scary. I actually edited my original message a couple of times once I already submitted it!

Anyone had similar fears? Any advice?

A gut Yom tov to all!

Wow!!
Thats an amazing post ...
You should be very proud of your very own spiritual yetzias mitzraim

Gut yom tov!

Al

Wow, thanks for that open, honest and amazing share. Welcome to GYE and the forum. Hashem was never far from you and never stopped loving you. The proof is that He brought you here. And imagine if He loved you then, He must be crazy about you now! Keep it up, one day at a time!

Hatzlacha!

Yakov

Welcome,

many of us are open and honest.
your first post was really spot-on!
it is a big world out there, so people won't necessarily recognize you, but you don't need to provide details that people on outside will know.
that bein' said, many of us know each other, and that is the way to grow.
Take it slowly, and see what relationships develop.

continued hatzlachah

First of all like Cordnoy said its a big world very small chances anyone can pick up who you are just from your posts. I had the same fears in the past but realized that you can share a lot and still be anonymous!!!

And when you feel there is someone that seams like a honest guy you can reach out to him in private and get to know him. The fellowship here is amazing and a huge tool to recovery. But take your time.

KUTGW!!!

Thanks cordony, serenity, dd & al tisyaesh! It's exciting to be here and finally work towards recovery.

I guess that makes sense keep out the details - unrelated to our struggles - and then I can share a lot and feel anonymous. Thanks!

I know the motto is one day at a time and not to think how will I be able stay clean forever, but can someone please tell me how does sobriety look and feel? Will I still have the urge to act out? Will I still have the thoughts and fantasies in my head or will I be able to rid myself of them eventually?

If I work the steps and the program how will I feel in a year from now?

Hope

I couldn't tell you what things will be like in a year. I haven't been here that long and I don't even know what things will be like tomorrow or if there will be a tomorrow. I think that the goal is a progressive victory over lust. Lust is when we use our natural desires for an unnatural purpose. So it would make sense that our natural desires will remain, but that we eventually make progress so that we are no longer using those desires for an unnatural purpose. "Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid " and we used lust to fill that void. We ended up feeling guilty and remorseful and sought more illicit behaviors to compensate for out self-pity and feelings of inadequacy. So what would sobriety hopefully look like? For starters, I would hope that although I have challenges, upsets and heart aches in life, I will no longer feel, alone, afraid and empty and need to seek out all kind of depravity to drown my feelings. I'm also promised the following:

The AA Promises
1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves

Sounds like a good deal to me, no?

BTW, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be throwing all this at you, but it's helping me to do so and I'm hoping it will help you as well! Looking forward to the the fulfillment of those promises, helps me a lot. Yhe goal for me is not to stop masturbation, the goal is to become a healthy human being, a caring husband, and a dedicated father.

Hatzlacha!

serenity wrote:

Very interesting.....



Thanks serenity, Great reasons to stop and sober up, that's for sure!

I understand that my life will get better once I get a handle on my addictions, that's the reward & ultimate goal.

In particular, I was wondering how my "desires and fantasies" would be like once I'm sober. Would I still be so obsessed about women? Will I have less frequent desires to act out? Will the urge feel less intense? Etc...

Hope

To echo what Serenity wrote, here is what i just wrote on a different thread:

When this addiction is viewed as an "it," we tend to think that we can block it out, place a barrier, "guard our eyes" and all will be well......(all of the above are good things to do, by the way); however, when "it" is viewed as part of my DNA, for that is how i fought rejection, anger, stress, loneliness, tiredness, rejection, etc. then it requires somethin' else entirely.....I need a new mindset and outlook on life...why am i gettin' angry? Because someone hurt the imperial me. Why does rejection hurt like so? Because it affects my pride. Why am I stressed? For I planned my life differently. If we begin to look at life usin' God's prism, and not ours, some of those attributes will fall by the wayside, and guess what? We won't be fightin' and strugglin' with lust....it will simply not be there.

So you ask, "How will I view women?" Serenity answered: We don't know anythin' about tomorrow, and that is entirely correct. he also wrote that we are not fightin' masturbation, and that is also accurate. We wanna learn a way to live....somethin' that many of us (I know certainly that it is relevant to myself) have not been doin' for a very long time.

and by the way, the short answer to your question (as to what will next year look like?) is that it's none of your !@#$in' business! not mine either.

b'hatzlachah

What a thread!
I'm not sure what is greater - the wisdom shared in these few posts or the caring spirit in which they were stated.

Very insightful cordony.

Definitely true that it's more then an "It". It's been so much a part of my life that it really is my DNA. This has been my coping mechanism for so long that just setting up filters on my computer isn't enough. Like you said we need a new mindset.

Most of us act out and live life in the world of fantasy due to underlying emotional issues as both you and serenity noted. Rejection, loneliness, feelings of inadequacy etc... The question is how do we deal with these core issues, these emotions that drive our desire to escape into fantasy land?

Does the 12 step program deal with that aspect of it? Or is therapy needed?

Thanks for chiming in yiraishamaim! Great question! The camaraderie here is really inspiring!

Hopeful2 wrote:


the answer to your question is: yes!
the 12 step program deals with it.
it gives us the proper perspective that life is not about "me," but rather, we need to live life the way God has prepared it for us. We need to realize our shortcomin's and deficiencies, and deal with them in a productive way.

therapy can help and be productive as well....dependin' on the severity of the issue.

b'hatzlachah