hi guys.
in short: been yeshiva for 2 years.
Learn 1.5 hours morning.
Learn 2 hours night.
Try to grow and shteig hard.
Have a great group of friends all around my level of avodas hashem.
since Yom Kippur I have failed w.r.t Shmiras Habris (S"H) 10 times ... which I have convinced myself is not many.
My mind is not in the best place and I constantly expect high results from myself so when I fall, I am very disappointed in myself. I know that I shouldn't be, but I am. As with everything in my life it has to be done well or not done at all.
One point I'll make is that my learning is not going so well, due to my relatively small time in Yeshiva I am not fully competent in Gm' (meaning still getting stuck on shakle vetariyag - not the whole time but enough to depress me) and I really don't have time for much else as I spend most of my learning day doing Gm'.
This has been the longest time I have spent doing something I'm not good at.
I'm depressed quite a lot of the time due to three things: Uni is hard and stressful, learning is hard and stressful, my hirhurim are sometimes awful (v.upsetting). Throughout Yeshiva S"H was not really an issue and I have been back for a whole year and it wasn't really an issue then. I am now in my second year out of yeshiva and its suddenly sprung up (it has only been 10 times - this is me legitimising it to myself)
It really does make me sad and I'm really quite envious of people / Rabonim I know who are so cheery. I wish I was like them. I will be looking for shidduchim this summer Bez'H and this MUST be gone by then - this = S"H issues + sadness (I wouldn't say depression, just generally not too happy)

And before you say. Find something you enjoy and focus on that ... I DONT ENJOY ANYTHING. Unfortunately I have always been a man of habbit. I have collected silly things very seriously. So I never really developed an enjoyment for anything that I have been able to continue (except extreme sport(too expensive + time consuming + dangerous) - I have an intense personality). My main focus it Torah .. but I SUCK at it. Please don't give me the 'you'll get there, just keep ploughing away' shpiel as I have been doing that for 3 years now !!! To clarify. I can read Gm. I can translate most things. I cant put sentence structure together very well and I get very disheartened very quickly. Maybe there is a sefer I can really get into but the problem will always be the hebrew (i do physics at uni if that helpful). And reading english seforim doesn't feel in any way like I'm learning.

Sorry if this post was in any way harsh or offensive. I am just fed up feeling unhappy.
Sorry for the length.
Advice would be lovely. Strong advice.
Bris Olam

WELCOME! Relax a bit and don't be so hard on yourself. Do you consider yourself a perfectionist? You seem to be placing unrealistic expectations on yourself. Check out the Dr. Sorotzkin link in my signature (among other links).

Stick around. Keep posting. We are "listening".

As someone who touters bachrim with your exact issue know 1 most of American boys have the same problem, they read an amud and look for key words and fit shay into that
2 you can fix this try using tuvias Gemara it should help with proper sentence building and use commas they help


Now for your other issue feeling like two cents can start a ball rolling point out to yourself something that your good at and ride that out of depression God didn't make everyone tailors for a reason

yidtryingharder wrote:


ummmm

Bris,

Welcome!
Heck of a first post.
We lookin' forward to hearin' more from you.

It is tough.

b'hatzlachah

I definitely am a perfectionist; this is reason why this whole thing is so destructive. (+ why I find learning challenging)

I completely relate to your analogy. You are right.

The thing is, generally it's actually not a big deal. I go on good streaks quite often (Thank Gd on a week now). The problem is the 10% moments - meaning the moments which occur 10% of the time when I either am: tired, upset, need to urinate (seems strange but that's usually how it all starts) ... I'm great when it comes to 90% of the time. But I don't know how to pick myself up in the 10% if I get the urges.

And if I fail Gd forbid everything really goes downhill. i.e. mental state, happiness etc.

First of all, welcome! Take pride in the fact that you're here and that you're willing, and yearning even, to change. People with your resolve always inspire me.

I think everyone here picked up on your hyper-self-critical behavior. It really screamed out of your post. Having a warped self-image (i.e., thinking that your mind is not a great place when it very clearly is) could be the result of a lot of things, none of which anyone here is qualified to diagnosis . (Only a real-life professional could and should make those assessments.). However, what we are qualified to tell you is that a low self image is one of the main components of the addict's mind (well, for some people). So yeah, that's connected.

Like others have said, we act out to escape our perceived failings and flaws, to rebuild ourselves, and our lives, into the superlatives we desperately desire. So of course, perfectionists, who demand nothing less than perfection in everything, are some of the most dependent on fantasy. They often dream, wildly, instead of setting realistic goals, which, inevitably, are given to failure.

So, relax, and read the forums. Learn about addiction, and use the initial evaluation tool on the site to gauge where your behavior falls on the addiction spectrum.

Bris Olam wrote:
This is something I've been through plenty myself... we all know that mz"l is a huge aveira... and so for me, and I imagine most of us here, I react emotionally with horror when I have done that, c"v. But for me anyway, I have recognized the need to learn to channel that reaction not to beating myself up - e.g. "Oh, Hashem's going to zap me now", "I'm such a rasha","I have no hope of beating this" - which is for me is a very easy thing to fall into, but extremely counterproductive... but instead, to focus on "what happened here?" and "what can I do differently next time?" (I learned this from others here on GYE)... it's a double-benefit, in that not only am I not making myself feel like cr-p (sorry for the blunt language), but I'm actually at least trying to push myself towards improvement, which b'ezras Hashem, I will realize, even if only a little bit at a time.

Like others have already said, we are here for you... you're not alone... and that if you fall, c"v, just dust yourself off, get back on your feet and Keep on Trucking (KOT).

Please G-d, you (and everyone else here) should have hatzlacha rabba.

-- Larry

Bris Olam wrote:
Did you check out dr sorotzkin?

I can't thank you enough for this post. This was something that my rabonim picked up on in yeshiva but i have not had the will power to deal with it since i have been back.

After my exams I hope to book an appointment with the Rav (therapist) I know.

Great post 'TalmidChaim' I appreciate it.

I shall listen soon PG .. I hadnt to be honest but i have now downloaded the recording of the perfectionism lecture.

Thanks.

A lot of us are or were in your position. Personally I struggle with all languages and this caused me a lot of heart ache in yeshiva and in life as it surfaced in my learning capabilities. The bottom line is that you're exactly where God wants you to be and when He wants you to be there. You may come to find that there is a lot of ego in the way of your happiness or maybe not. Either way, it should prove to be an enlightening journey.

Hatzlacha!

I listened to Sorotzkin. Very interesting. Need to think about it.

Thanks gibbor120

I'm glad you enjoyed it.