I am an addict. I am. To write it and for the first time in my life to admit it is hard.

I'll just sum up my story.

I struggled with masturbation throughout high-school, though stopped when i went to yeshiva. Since I left Yeshiva Ive had big ups and even bigger downs and within the past year and a half have become really down, i mean I've been falling daily, and the worst part is I am very recently married. I even fell just two days before my wedding and since then many times a week sometimes many times a day. I love my wife but knows she deserves better and it would simply break her apart if she knew this about me.

I feel bad for myself, the sake of my soul, the sake of my wife, my marrige, and my life. I really do feel like yeshiva from all this is practically unreachable.

I go on inappropriate sites and ones that provide random live video chat which I feel is like I'm am cheating on my wife.

I want my life back and want to be great and this is constantly holding me back.

Thats my shpeil in summery

Welcome! Reaching out is a big step towards recovery, so you are definitely moving in the right direction. It's also very important to stay out of isolation (which is why reaching out is so great). You'll see on this forum that many others have experienced very similar stories to you. We've all felt like we were living a double life which no one else knew about. Keep on posting and let us know what you did in yeshiva that kept you clean. Maybe you can recreate that. Hatzlacha raba!

Welcome,

the story, sadly, sounds familiar.

great first share.

We are lookin' forward to hear more.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome, you're in the right place.

I also masturbated throughout my teenage years, swearing off again and again. I always thought that getting married would make it all better. It did not. In fact my addiction got a lot worse once I was married. Gye has helped a lot.

Keep on posting, keep on reading, keep on trucking.

Welcome! You have come to the right place, and you are certainly not alone. Getting married can be stressful. Many of us act out as a way to deal with stress. I wonder if that can explain your increase in acting out.

In any event,your feelings are common. You are among friends, so keep sharing!

Read the handbook. Many have been in your situation and are leading much better lives now. Recovery is about learning to live differently, not about stopping a specific action.

There's lots to learn here. Stick around!

Welcome!
You mention that you've had big ups since leaving Yeshiva.
Care to share how those came about?
Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Well I have tried to think about that a little bit...unfortunatly, or maybe fortunately, ive been pretty busy with work and my wife has time off so I havent had much "free" time, though I guess , to put it simply I was more religious and constantly involved in intense learning and had my yeshiva chevra, powerful davening , and shiurim and singing. Since I left , I haven't had much of that except for small moments that rarely happen anymore. Even my davening doesn't feel like davening anymore. I believe that the fact I dont have these things is related to my addiction though may be a problem in itself in where I am in life and how I choose to conduct it when I'm on my own and not living in the yeshiva atmosphere, and when I think about it, it kills me because I still very much value and want those things but feel like I'm far away from that and simply don't have time or acsess to these things

Isn't it strange how we are so far away from the porn industry and from the filth of the streets, but we (myself included) somehow search to desperate measures until we find it; but when it comes to the beis medrash and our old yeshiva days, we (myself included), we can't seem to locate it - even perhaps when the opportunities are much closer and less costlier and certainly more spiritual and healthier.

This was written for myself; it was your post that brought it about.

Oh, and btw, what method of recovery (besides keepin' busy and cleavin' to wife - which might be fine) do you use?

b'hatzlachah

I actually fell today for the first time since i started here. It was the first time i was alone and and didnt stand up to the challenge. where do i go from here, i was sure i was on my way, what a downer

Don't get sad and depressed! Try to look back and see what went wrong, and how you can rectify it for the future. The main thing right now is to keep moving forward. You can do it!

Hello trueme , sorry about your fall . Even though reaching out and posting in the forums are excellent tools they are seldom enough. You will have to do your own inner search and work towards a change of attitudes of how you deal with life and its nuisances. Hatzlacha !

As we used to say here "fell shmell keep on truckin". Nothing to do. Just get back up, and continue trying. See what circumstances or emotional state brought you to act out. Try different strategies and see what works.

Many of us failed for years with different methods, but somehow are sober today. No giving up! Keep moving forward! No looking back!

WELCOME
In yeshiva, out of yeshiva,
yeah shteiging, not shteiging,
married or not, all kinds of chevra here.
Doesn't seem to make a difference, our addictions aren't picky, gets to us any matzav even when we 'try very hard' not to let it in the door.
But then again there do seem to be some eitzos that work for all kinds of us here in all kinds of matzavim.
There is hope and you have come to the right place. HATZLACHA!

Welcome to GYE! Glad you're here. Hatzlacha!

There seems to be only one direction to go from there.
what's holdin' you back?

b'hatzlachah