I was breaking some of my rules today. Starting to look and lust. I caught myself and made some calls and now I'm fine. So reaching out to people is definitely a good idea.

Euphoria can be a cause of it , serenity . Like after reaching 90 days or when feeling too good and secure about ourselves . But just keep an eye on your track and keep up the good work ! Behatzlacha to all.

Watson wrote:


I think I am functioning just an iota better. I still have a long way to go but a step in the right direction needs to be noted.

I attribute the improvement, as Watson says, to my new action in this area. I am not by any means in a state of euphoria nor am I looking for that, just a bit of serenity.

I thank you all.

Hashiva, We were talking about motivations for change a while back. You were positing that fear may be whats finally motivates an addict. I would suggest that pain may be the greatest motivator for change.

Hatzlacha!

My motivation is a mix. There's the pain it causes me spiritually when i lose my connection to Hashem. That usually leads to sadness, which translates to emotional pain. Then there's the fear that it's getting worse, and the knowledge that it's really up to me to work on it. Ultimately, it's the knowledge that i have to do it tells me that i CAN do it. Of course, it's very hard to then do the soul searching to locate the causes for my acting out and work on them.

serenity wrote:


shomer bro wrote:


I think that when pain is the motivating factor that's a good sign. It means that there is an ego there(in the Freudian sense). 'I hate the way this feels to be this way. I want to be a mentch'. I think if you would give some thought to the pain, you would find out how much good you actually strive for, because that's the reason why you feel pain about not achieving that level. To take it a step further, we know that what you strive for and care about and what is truly meaningful to you, is actually what defines you. So your pain and striving and longing is a sign of the greatness and goodness that exists inside you and wants to come out. I think it's important to know what your pain is and therefore to know what you strive for. And then reach for it!

I also think that the more you really deeply see yourself as good and the more you see your strengths as a reality, the less likely you are to fall. Not out of fear or even pain but out of a non willingness to give up all the good that you have. The nisoyon will actually diminish. I think so.

I think that this was the source of my problem. I had a very lot of tzaros, lo alaichem. I was not able to sustain my previous levels of learning and zehiros bemitzvos. That made me feel like a nobody. That I couldn't withstand the nesoyon of what I was going through without giving up my ideals. It made me feel that my idealism wasn't real, because if it had been then nothing would have made me give it up. So if I'm anyway nothing then....
I think there were times when the only thing that actually allowed me to feel that I still have goodness in me was the fact that I was in pain about not being good. (Sometimes this even made me fall because falling gave me a good dose of pain which reminded me that I exist.) That's why I'm so longing for the ability, and for the reawakening of my strong desire and resolve, to function, so that I can see myself as a person.

Hashiva,
We have met on another thread and I took the liberty to read through this wonderful thread of yours. Your growth and progress is truly amazing and beautiful.
After reading all of your posts, one thing seems to be jumping out at me. It is so very hard for you to be totally open and honest about your past challenges and current struggles. Even so, you have slowly but surely begun to reveal more and more. I encourage you to find the strength to continue to do so - at your own pace. For me, so much of the shame and guilt eased when I was able to be open and honest and fell the love and respect from the crowd.

As to not wanting somebody to know who you are: There are many people who you can talk to who will have no reason to know you in real life. Also, many of them would not judge you even if they did. I would urge you to follow some people on this site around. Meaning read their posts. Learn about their program and recovery. You will find so many people who even if they did know you would never reveal that info and would not judge you any less. I for one am a Sefardi Jew who lives in Lakewood, NJ. It is highly unlikely that our paths have ever crossed. Feel free to reach out to me via email and I'd be happy to talk over the phone.
Last but not least. As to the feelings of guilt. If you have not listened to Rabbi Reisman's shuir. Link here: (www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3) I urge you to do so.

Reb Yid,
I was just in the middle of responding to you on the other thread when I noticed that you posted to me here. I totally agree with what you are saying here, about how wonderful the chaverim are. I thank you for the invitation, but I'm not ready yet.
I have been impressed many times by things that are communicated here, including your posts. Your most recent post on the other thread speaks volumes about your integrity. And your approach, although different from mine, is clearly one of integrity and courage as well as other good qualities. Although I have a different approach, I have learned and hope to grow from what have written on the subject.

I'm reporting about my business meeting on Friday. It well well in the sense that I kept clean from any small talk with the women. I looked at them the minimum needed in the discussions. I don't think I had this strength before I began using the tools on GYE.

I also must that Hashem and his loyal servants here that I past the 30 day mark.

Wonderful report Hashivali , you are inspiring to us all. Always remember that a Power Greater than yourself is the ONE doing the job for you . He is the ONE fighting our old bad habits and helping us acquire new good ones. In last week's parsha , the mighty and powerful Egyptians started to run away , when ? when they realized
"כי ה' נלחם להם במצרים" that Hashem is making the war for the jews against the Egyptians . Your job is to have Him in your mind and let Him be Boss of all your affairs and be mevatel yourself to His Will and then sit back to watch the miracles He will do for you . That is granted ! בדוק ומנוסה ! Keep Up Mega Trucking And Hatzlacha in your journey .

Yes! Thank you newaction.
I wish to add one point. ויאמינו בד' ובמשה עבדו Those who take the position of Moshe. that they teach the emess, in them too we have emunah. I see that by reading the words of emess here which are spoken by people who are completely sincere, I will begin to truly grasp the higher levels of emunah and bitachon of which you speak.

Great accomplishment. Be proud of youraelf. Keep up the good work.

I'm worried. I'm lately not as good as I had been in the earlier part of my clean streak. I don't think what I did is considered a fall but it is certainly a slip. I don't want to say exactly what I did because I don't want to give anyone any ideas. But in short I was looking for trouble but didn't quite find it. Not in a very bad way at least. I wasn't looking for major trouble but I was heading down the wrong path for sure. Also besides for that isolated incident I'm generally not as sober. Interestingly what I had reported that my intimacy with my wife has improved with my higher level of being clean, that seems to have dwindled a little along with the general dwindle. I don't see exactly what I did to cause that but the coincidence is remarkable. I feel that I desperately need to fill the voids in my functioning in general in terms of learning. I should really give that issue over to hashem. I do daven for it a lot, but it still hasn't really improved. I feel that while I'm generally wasting my days I'm in a bigger danger of falling in the shmiras ainayim area. I wish I could get my act together.

Since you had a test and didn't fail, you may find that you feel really good about that tomorrow. That was my experience a few times anyway.

Hatzlacha!