It seems that you are advancing on your journey . Praying to Hashem for His help and guidance always has results. Keep on trucking and may Hashem guide you to find your way .

Hello again . An addict can't control his addiction. The control is to not take that first lust hit and to work my program. I was only able to stop the addictive behavior when I stopped trying to control it. As far as the 86 days go, thank you for your kind words. The only thing I can hope for is a daily reprieve from the obsession of lust.

I have a lot of work to do on my 1st step in SA, so I won't be able to post much for awhile.

Hatzlacha!!!

Hi Hashiva , thinking about you --only good things .Keep up the good work !

There is an underlying philosophy in my posts on this thread and others. Actually it's what I have been(and continue to be) taught my my Rabbi. I don't wish to name him because that would identify me among those who know me. He says that the reason the 12 steps works is because is gives a new purpose and reality to the persons self. When a person has a 'self' then he doesn't wish to destroy it. The reason addicts are addicts is because they are lacking the ego(in the Freudian sense). What drives the addict to look for a solution in the first place is the negative motivation such as hitting a painful low. The non addict rules over his yetzer hora through positive motivation. He has something more valuable and doesn't want to trade. So while the person is in the 12 step program, he should also try to uncover his ego and find himself. He should try to get to know what his ambitions are and what he really likes and values in life.

The next post is specifically about me.

I read somewhere in these forums that someone tells about his having done well in the past but has fallen and now can't find the strength to do well again. I think I have an understanding of this and I'm afraid of it for myself.

I have been on a clean streak for over 2 weeks now. I've been clean for this long and even much longer in the past but this time is different. I'm clean in a way I don't remember being before. I'm behaving like the way I think is correct. I'm not looking at women on the street or anywhere. It's not that I'm walking around like a zombie with my eyes down. I'm just not looking and gazing. It's as though I wouldn't be interested. That's amazing for me. I feel as though I found a new strength in myself, a new self a new reality. I am also behaving with more tznius with my wife. The experience is less lusty and more wonderful. She actually seems to be enjoying it like never before. What I'm afraid of is that if chas vesholom I fall I might feel like that new reality doesn't really exist and I don't know where I will get the strength to do it again. We have no idea how much we destroy ourselves with each time we fall.

newaction, thank you for thinking about me. Your ahavas yisroel is beautiful. I'm touched.

The same goes for belmont4175 serenity cordnoy watson and others. I have a lot to learn from you wonderful chaverim.

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


Please, for your sake, don't worry about what will be or what won't be; it is not a healthy exercise.

Keep up the good work!

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy, can we be in control of what we worry about?

Wow Hashiva li i am so impressed by how just by watching your eyes in a more mindful way is giving you this beautiful sensation . And your wife will sense it too. Elaborating a bit on what Cordnoy wrote and your question about it . I would say it is like driving a car . Your eyes have to be straight high on the road ahead;not thinking and worrying about every passing car to your right or to your left saying "what if this or that one ". You will feel too overloaded and wont be able to concentrate in what you really are supposed to be doing now at hand. It is good to have "trust in the process" and making sure you are doing your job. If C"V there is a fall, it shows that somewhere and somehow you were not watching all the street signs or keeping within speed limit or the like . Just look back learn and try again eventually it will work for you , with G.od's Help of course.

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


Yes!

We can control what we obsess about - in most cases.
Most of what I say is from my experience.

I know that in the past, when a fantasy began in my mind, I allowed it to increase, expand and torture me. I now have the ability, with God's help and assistance, to curb this thought process, and it is what I call that we do not allow it to fester.

Regardin' the future, yes, I have been involved in many discussions on this site, but everyone knows me as the "no thinkin'" guy. We can think ourselves to death. We can torture ourselves. It does minimal good.

I have been involved in many 'thoughtful' conversations.

I started writin' some, then deleted 'em, for I was worried that some might take advantage and start to answer 'em, and that was not my intent.

Perhaps not all thoughts, but there are many that we can put a stop to - especially when we truly realize the stakes.

b'hatzlachah

Chello everybody, Chai!

Today is day 18, Chai.

It's certainly worth a L'CHAI'M. We should all be zoiche to nachas ans simcha from our accomplishments.

Hashiva! so do you still think of yourself as a failure? going forward and focusing on today is way better, continue you will get there IYH.

Be'Hatzlacha!

It'll take some work for me to feel not like a failure. The person who used to run the marathon should feel good that he is taking baby steps in recovery. It's something to work on and would probable be good for the actual recovery too.

I think if you keep working your program one day at a time and allow Hashem to lead you along your path, one day you will not feel this way at all.

Reflecting on rosh chodesh

The yaavetz says zman kapara lechol 'toldosam' means forgiveness for the sin of hz"l. So today is a new beginning and a time of correction and reconciliation with hashem about this.

When I said hallel today by ma ashiv I was thanking hashem for giving me this GYE package. I can't help but assume that GYE has something to do with the fact that I am b"h clean now in a seemingly more real and thorough way then ever before. I hope to keep this up.

I was also thanking hashem for not allowing me to function in all the other areas of my life. This has awakened me to want to change in a real way. Hashem wants the real me to emerge. The Jew who is retzonenu laasos retzonecha.

I hope and I beg hashem 'shelo echta od uma shechatasi lefanecha mechok berachamecha harabim aval lo al yedei yesurim vechlaim raim' This is 2 requests
Shelo echta od - no matter what and no matter how, even chas vesuolom al yedei..... because it's worth it even so.
aval lo al yedei yesurim vechlaim raim - please teach me and correct me by giving me as a matnas chinom a good heart and putting kedusha and true sechel in my heart. Do this because of your abundant mercy - berachamecha harabim - your mercy for every Jew whether worthy or not including even the likes me.
When I said lo amus ki echye I begged heashem that I not die a virtual death. I have in the past cast away my holy soul and replaced the tzelem elokim with a tzelem tameh. This is what we say erev yom kippur in tefilla zaka. Now I ask that from now on I should not die but live. A living which is really called living. Ki haim chayenu. The torah and mitzvos are our life. This is 1 request not 2 - not to die but to live, because one depends on the other.

I thank you wonderful chaverim for being there to read my words. The opportunity to speak it out strengthens my resolve.

I wish you all a great rosh chodesh and a wonderfully good chodesh.