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TOPIC: My Story... 840 Views

My Story... 07 Jan 2015 06:29 #246745

  • jay95
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First a little about me, I'm 20 and in college.

I have been jerking off ever since I was a young kid (maybe 6/7), back then I didn’t know what it was I just new it felt good.

My story really starts when I got my first laptop. I was 12 – just hitting puberty. I didn’t have a filter on it and I soon discovered porn. I became hooked. It became almost a RITUAL of mine, I would watch porn (and jacking off) almost every single day not even aware it was going to ‘take over my life’, have a huge negative impact on me or that it was even a sin. As I got older (around 13), the usual videos didn’t ‘do it for me’ anymore. I needed something more erotic. So began looking at more and more explicit porn.

At the same time I was very isolated lonely and depressed (circumstantial reasons) this lasted from the age of 13 till the end of high school. I think this made me tern to porn even more as a form of escape.

Then I was off to yeshiva for the year. I met new people and made friends and totally change from being depressed to very stable happy and normal functioning (physiologically speaking).

As well as this in yeshiva I learned SERIOUSLY how important it is to stop watching porn and the negative effects it was having on me. I realised it was sucking the life out of me. Simple normal things which people get pleasure from I realised that i didn’t and never had. Making me question my sexuality. Making me shy, depressed…ect. Was going to effect my marriage one day.

So I decided to make a serious commitment to stop. WOW this was a harder challenge than I thought. I have gone cold turkey more times than I can remember. The longest I have lasted for is around 2 months whilst I was a counsellor on camp this summer.

I have a filter on all my devices but there is ALWAYS content I can find when I get that feeling creeping into me which makes filters almost useless.

I have come to the conclusion that i needed to post, I feel isolated and hopeless and need others advice.

thanks for reading
Last Edit: 12 Jan 2015 03:14 by jay95.

Re: My Story... 07 Jan 2015 08:00 #246746

  • shomer bro
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Welcome! Reaching out is really important and you'll see that there are others, like me, who also struggle with not watching gay stuff. For starters, it does not mean that you're gay! C"V!! It might mean that you have ssa, and there are deeper issues that cause it such as loneliness, lack of healthy self esteem, etc. Keep on posting! You've definitely come to the right place for chizzuk.

Re: My Story... 07 Jan 2015 08:41 #246751

  • cordnoy
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Welcome,

Thanks for the share.
You are amongst friends here.
it is nice that you mixed the actin' out with the loneliness and other feelin's; that's important.
We must realize that this addiction of sorts could be simply a solution to other stuff goin' on in our life.

Lookin' forward to hear more.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Story... 07 Jan 2015 09:55 #246757

  • Bigmoish
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Welcome js!
Nothing to be embarrassed about here. Thanks for sharing your struggle.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: My Story... 07 Jan 2015 10:44 #246759

  • EyesAnon
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  • בְּרִית כָּרַתִּי לְעֵינָי וּמָה אֶתְבּוֹנֵן עַל־ב
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Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me inspiration on how we can struggle against this Yetzer Hara.

The filters are useful for blocking out things that the internet wants to bombard us with. Like you wrote, they can't save us from our attempts to outsmart them. We have to outsmart the Yetzer Hara.

Keep writing, and share with us your successes (and otherwise).
בְּרִית כָּרַתִּי לְעֵינָי וּמָה אֶתְבּוֹנֵן עַל־בְּתוּלָֽה

Re: My Story... 07 Jan 2015 14:09 #246763

  • cordnoy
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I don't know if anyone can outsmart the y"h, but certainly, for those of us who are addicted or very close to it, there's a good probability that we will not outsmart him.
Can we outwork him? perhaps; and then we will place it in God's Hands!

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Story... 07 Jan 2015 22:06 #246780

  • dms1234
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WELCOME!

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips


I echo Cordnoy, I don't think I have ever outsmarted the yetzer. He is always outsmarted me!
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: My Story... 07 Jan 2015 23:01 #246785

  • Shmeichel
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welcome
you are a hero!
stopped without GYE!
carry on
one day at a time is the name of the game
may hashem lead you to sort out your hurtin soul
but for the meantime the danger is imminent, so keep it strong
when going forward gets tough, its merely a sign that you are going uphill, just give more gas
put your sobriety first; before your wife, before your kids, before your avodas HaTorah (except for the 3 that are יעבור ואל יהרג) Without sobriety you won't have any of those things!

Re: My Story... 08 Jan 2015 03:16 #246797

  • gibbor120
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WELCOME! That was quite a share. You seem VERY ready for real change. Stick around and learn (and clown around) with the chevra.

There is a lot of great stuff to learn and great people to meet.

Many people who were in your situation or worse are sober today.

Keep posting!

Re: My Story... 12 Jan 2015 01:30 #247000

  • jay95
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I fell today...

I had an essay due in today, I hadn't started and so the pressure was really on.
Whilst i started writing the essay 'the feeling' started creeping up on me. I could not push it away.
I didn't have the time to ignore it and fight it off, i needed to write the essay.
So I fell (as quickly as i could) and then went back to writing my essay.

I have finished the essay and now i feel terrible and hopeless!

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I keep on failing, I don't have control over myself.

Re: My Story... 12 Jan 2015 05:25 #247016

  • yidtryingharder
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First and foremost kol hakavod for being honest it shows your serious
2) you didn't lose any progress made during the last 21 days and
3) the yetzer harahs game plan now is to get you down and out with arguments like now that you reset anyways why don't you fall a few more times then you'll really do it etc. forewarned is forearmed
4) the best way to make sur it doesn't happen again is to analyze what led up to the fall for example stress or a certain place etc.
and most of all know that hashem loves you just the way you are and now that you fell it was pre destin as a test to see how and how long it will take you to dust off and onward March

Hatzlacha
Hashem these lustful thoughts are not mine I don't need them or want them please take them from me so I can live a happy and healthy life

Gotta roll with the punches or the punches will roll all over you

yesterday was
tomorrow will be
the only thing you can change is the moment you see

keep smiling and keep busy

"lust is fire to dynamite don't get close" from someone don't remember who

The worst thing i did to myself was lie to myself for 2 whole years

I try not to hate it takes way to much energy

Re: My Story... 12 Jan 2015 06:25 #247021

  • cordnoy
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I found your other thread.
once again, sorry on the fall.
Looks like stress can be one of the causes.
what can we do to alleviate that?

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Story... 12 Jan 2015 12:18 #247033

  • dd
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Welcome Jay!!!

Stick around and keep on posting help is on its way. Don't let the fall bring to fall off gye or give up c"v.

Sharing and posting is a great way to start your recovery.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

Re: My Story... 22 Oct 2019 18:31 #344304

  • jay95
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Just come back to GYE 5 years on and saw my post... really upset to see I have made zero progress, in fact, things have worsened. 

I have started dating and getting worried it really will affect my marriage.
Feeling a bit hopeless. 

Re: My Story... 23 Oct 2019 10:08 #344322

  • cordnoy
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Wow! Welcome back. I see that I welcomed you then as well. Have you tried any methods of stoppin' since then? How was college, yeshiva? How are you otherwise?

Godspeed
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
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