Serenity i listened to every word , KUTGW friend you are doing something great. Gambling is not one of my many addictions but i can understand what you are saying . A couple of years ago i knew of somebody young married and religious that was an online gambler ; he confided to me that the addiction was such that he felt the urge on Yom Kippur and had to play online on that same day. We wish you true and everlasting Hatzlacha !

It's a miracle that I never acted out from our disease on Yom Kippur. I think I knew if I did that, I wouldn't be able to face my family, my yiddishkeit would be over and I'd eventually leave my wife and family. I did often fantasize about spending Shabboss in the casino. I'd buy my chips before Shabboss (in the fantasy), LOL.

I agree with you but with some reservation. We have to have an understanding of our sickness that even if we acted out on Yom Kippur we should continue loving ourselves in such way that we dont leave Yiddishkeit, wife and family. After all we are not bad we are sick . But I am happy for you as you said . KOMT !!

Working step four. I'm finding it to be a pretty frustrating task. I just need to get it done already. I'm having a tough day with a lot of physical urges going on, with no particular context. I'm feeling guilty because a allowed myself to lust after someone this morning and I need to surrender it. It was suggested that I "replace the guilt with gratitude", so here it goes:

I'm grateful for:

sobriety today;
a miraculous parnasa
a wife that has my back in sickness and health (mostly sickness )
healthy wonderful children
having you people in my e-life
a long cold winter to kick off my recovery
sobriety from alcohol and gambling
a roof over my head
my car
the opportunity to perform service for others
my sponsors
my co-workers who really are Hashem's shluchim to enable my parnasa


Have to get back to work :_)

Hatzlacha!

which part of step 4 are you strugglin' with?
resentment?
anger?
honesty?
shame?
fearless inventory?
selfishness?
fear?
prayer?

lemme know please

perhaps let's do it together.

b'hatzlachah

I'm working on resentments, the first 3 columns as laid out in the AA Big Book. Frustrating is: 1. Drudging up old resentments; 2. the repetitiveness and redundancy of column 3 and eventually column 4 when I get to it.

I understand step 4 to be a method of identifying a pattern of my character defects. I don't see it necessary to list every resentment I ever had in my life. I see it as limited to major things in life from the past and current issues small and big. There is ample support for my position in the program (at least in AA). My sponsor disagrees and my number 1 rule is to listen to my sponsor (or fire him). . So, it's frustrating, but I'm doing it.

(I did do a lot of step 4 work in AA previously. I'm not looking at it until I'm done with my SA step 4 to see if I hit on the same issues.)

My AA sponsor is a lot less rigid. He maintains the steps are just a suggested way of recovery. He says I'm done with step 4 when I'm ready for step 5.

Had a slip yesterday. I don't like the word fall, but you call it that. Tomorrow would have been 5 months and that is very frustrating for me. What lead to my acting out was being away for 5 days without meetings, not being in enough touch with you guys, I ran out of my prescription and I was allowing a lot of lust in. I started rationalizing that what I was doing wasn't totally blowing my sobriety which was complete insanity. I realized this in time to stop myself from what I was doing and I didn't masturbate to completion, but I clearly had to reset the 90 day chart in the interest of complete honesty. On the positive side, I don't think I have ever stopped my acting out in the middle. Not that I would ever want to intentionally place myself in that situation, but isn't that a true sign of progress and real teshuvah? I feel like I have made real progress in recovery. This addict needed an ego adjustment and Hashem handed it down to me. Now it's back to work on the steps. Setting a course for continued recovery. "Engage".

Wow! you are for real. Hashem is having nachas from your sincere working on yourself and improving and honesty. I also have nachas from you in the sense that I am inspired by what you wrote here. Hatzlacha

Serenity: I know that GYE thinks otherwise, but readin' all your posts, I would regard it as a slip, not a fall (although you didn't say the entire story), but do whatever is good for you (although like me, my lust-filled brain is not a good barometer to figure out what is advantageous for me and what is detrimental).

b'hatzlachah

I discussed my SA sobriety date with my sponsor and his initial thought is that I reset it. After further discussion with him, he said it was up to me. The main issue is that my slip was with my primary M.O. which is the main reason I started in recovery. The way he also framed it was, "can you honestly say you were sexually sober?". I'm kind of up in the air about the SA date. I think the 90 day chart is in some ways a stricter definition, and that's the reason I utilized it, so it's reset. I can only think of three reasons not to reset my SA date. 1. Ego, 2. The SA date effects my ability to sponsor and other stuff, 3. Possible despair etc.

1. Ego: No brainer, I need an ego deflation. Ego is a potential long term barrier to sobriety for me. Along with that is people pleasing. Of couse people pleasing cuts both ways. I think that my sponsor said he doesn't really care if I don't reset my date, takes away that problem a bit. I don't have to worry about pleasing him .

2. Dov talks about the downside of having service as the basis of sobriety. That is a major concern of mine and it likely stems from ego, compulsiveness and people pleasing. three major issues for me. Also, can really give what I don't have.

3. Despair is a concern, but hopefully I'll be good. It's better to have this now than way later. I learned a few things and still have room for hope.

Anyway my sponsor says is he'd "rather see me obsessing over my step work than my sobriety date!"

I do agree with you though, I think I'd tell my sponsee not to reset it, in my position. If someone is doing well and they stray but jump right back on, why not give them the benefit of the doubt. Of course escape artistry is my specialty, so I would think that way. It's also a major defect of mine.

Bottom line is that we only ever have today and that's the important thing. That is al pi Torah as well. Torah even takes it further, we only have the moment!

Any chizuk people feel they can send my way, would be appreciated!

Thanks, that means a lot to me!

There are times when reading threads I am in awe of people's strength of character.

To name a few: the inner strength to be honest with yourself, to admit inner struggles with others,to never ever give up, to be sincerely honest, to humble oneself to listen and contemplate other views even if the people posing them are clearly much less experienced, to juggle various relationships and responsibilities while dealing with sobriety on many a front.

Wow!!!

I know of few people who are similarly challenged - with multiple addictions and don't do what Cordnoy or Serenity do. While we dare not judge them that doesn't mean we can't celebrate those that rise to to the occasion.

Thanks for being michazeik me, Serenity, with your being brutally honest with yourself (and with us)

Hi, the main thing is to just KOT! Thanks for sharing!