Hi all:
BH, have about 140 days clean since I joined. I am a married guy, with married kids. Issue here is I have SSA. I goto SA meetings. My sponsor said I need to be open about my SSA to the group I attend. Wife is not keen about that, since people from my community do know me and are in that group. Besides my sponsor, I have opened up to some GYE members, but that is much more anonymous. It is one thing to be open about being a sex addict, but hard to open up about having a G-d given, really embarrassing sexual orientation. I have come to terms that this is and always has been my main nisayon, but the world, as we know it, looks at men with gay attractions as total freaks, creeps etc... Anyone with some solid ideas, suggestions, comments or just plain chizuk for me? I have an amazingly loving wife, BH, and great kids. The daily chizuk emails are a great way for me to start the day with, and that has been my main benefit derived from this wonderful website! Looking forward to hearing back from you all.

Thanks!

Welcome

Just curious; if they know who you are and they know you have a lust issue, what's the difference if they know it's SSA or whatever? Bottom line is all of you are workin' on recovery.

it should be b'hatzlachah

Thanks for your reply. I also thought it is not an issue. However, I was in SA like 5 years ago, and ended up dropping out, until my wife caught me with some bad emails, and I am back into the program. My sponsor feels that the not being totally open about my disease, and the actual covering up my acting out as with women, when in reality it is with men, is leading me to an inevitable fall, regardless of the healing that is taking place in recovery. Everyone thinks that their nisayon is the worst, I am sure. Seeing everyone else on this site with issues makes that thought process and feeling dissipate. But SSA is plain freaky and "more disgusting" to the general public, and is sort of too much out of the norm, even amongst us all on here. It carries a huge shame, which is a word that is poison in recovery.

Thanks for your reply. I think one of the reasons I may have dropped out from SA originally (like 3 or 4 years ago) was that I never was able to say: I did whatever with another male. I would either substitute the word female for male, or would discuss other issues, which are equally as important factors in addiction, like fear, rage, etc... But that lack of authenticity may have left me feeling like I left a lot out of my sharing and disclosures. It did seem that most sex addicts, at least in SA, had some form of same sex experience, however minimal. But I chose to not divulge that part of me.

I do think that coverin' up the real stuff hinders recovery.

I am a male who loves females, but I would welcome your addiction in an SA meetin' or anywhere else....meanin' I wouldn't look down one bit...that is your desire and I have mine. That is not to say that this was always my sentiment, but in recovery, I have grown in this manner. Inside SA is the safest place that one can be.

Hi, I am Avrohom, and I have been a lustaholic for over 30 years; as a matter of fact, I still am; as a matter of fact, I am lustin' this minute......

My advice is say it at a meetin'.....I did.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome!
IYHfree2 wrote:
A couple of points:

I'm no expert, but the point of a sponsor is to listen to what they say. I know that a BIG part of recovery is being open about things that we feel ashamed of. You say that "shame is poison for recovery", but isn't everyone ashamed to admit what they did - SSA or not? "Shame and covering up" may be poison. Openness and honesty are the linchpins of recovery.

SA is a closed environment where everyone is a sex addict. They are non-judegemental. If you can't admit it there, where can you?

Take a look at the dov quotes section (I have a link in my signature). There is a lot of wisdome there. He is a 17 year veteran of SA.

The only issue is dealing with your wife's concerns. That is an issue. I don't know you, or your wife. What are your options?

Hi IYHfree2, I just wanted to welcome you aboard. I am in a similar Matzav as you, married with kids and primarily SSA (never acted out with others though). I've never gone to SA but i joined here 3 years ago and I've never "met" a friendlier and more non-judgmental bunch of guys. I've gotten a lot of understanding and support and never felt looked down upon because of my "difference".

The truth that i've been learning to accept is that lust is lust whatever form it takes. Hashem may have "wired" us to be attracted differently than most, but we have the same choice whether or not to act on it and obsess about it, and the same tools that work for everyone else here can help us too. So join in the growth and discussions (and fun) and you will be IY"H free too

Welcome IF2!

I've never been in SA, but I have found that being honest and saying the uncomfortable truth about myself in detail (beyond "I watch porn and masturbate") to GYE members who I am comfortable talking to, has helped me a lot.

Hatzlocha!

YOU GUYS ARE ALL FREAKS!!!!!!!!!!

Wait....i guess that makes me a freak too whoops