Maybe I'm on this site, and don't want to switch tabs, or pull out my phone. 

I agree with you regarding the chat.

Sorry to hijack the thread, I just don't like you you kinda brought this up it's important!

Is anybody else having issues with the chat? I keep hearing bloops and not seeing any messages

So friday was good, played basketball, studied, etc. But shabbos was really hard. The lust was going on like crazy. I kept on thinking of the last time I acted out, which was with another man, and the scenes were on replay in my head. Weirdly enough, I remembered them from a 3rd person perspective, like if another person was watching, not as if I had actually experienced it. Whatever, regardless I was "this close" to making a call, and l'maysah, I probably should have. But I got on my knees and prayed and really spoke to god and asked him to please keep me sober. I realized that I was also taking small actions of lust, objectifying people and looking through a magazine for material, even though the magazine itself was clean, but I had reason that I would find lustful material. I realized that I can't keep myself sober, no matter what I do, if God isn't in the picture, then nothing is gonna happen. If God wants me to act out, then I will, no matter what. Which is why I prayed to him, because I thought that I was keeping myself sober, which I am not. B"h I made it through shabbos, but I need to take this day by day, there's no other way. I was taking it hour by hour at some points.

Another aspect that was frightening about shabbos was that I wanted to act out. Throughout my current sobriety, I really have not wanted to act out; things have been pretty serene. This was the first time in a while that I wanted to act out, and I wanted to act out with the guy who I last time acted out with. (He's in SA because of me, but that is another story). That was pretty scary, I knew that I was in deep s%&t if that was my state of mind. I obviously had to surrender in the past, but that was even though I knew I didn't want it. Unlike today. Also, what is scary is that if I act out, it will not be one and done. It will be a very long process before I resurface, I know that. My bottom has dropped and it's gonna drop like hell the next time it happens. In my sick mind, if I'm gonna delay dating for a year for this, then it's gotta be worth it.

"Only a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity"
KOT Shlomo
Make those good phone calls to get out of your head!
Hatzlacha
 

Shlomo24 wrote on 15 Apr 2016 04:14:

Responding to this might be outdated, but it sounds like your still feeling a bit down.. So here goes!

First of all, in my own journey I strive for eating at least one meal a day, brushing my teeth at least five 4 times a week ,being asleep no later than 3:00 AM 2:30 AM 2:45 AM, and the whole "I'll just shower in the morning" thing can go on for days at a time.  I'm guessing we could start a thread/contest on this forum for the longest streak in recent history without showering, and frankly, I'd be surprised if you won.  Anyways, all this is just what I strive for . . . Taking some time for self care is great, I think.  I had a good 3 hour shloof this Shabbos - I undressed and got into bed and all- not something I typically do.  And it was Geshmak. And very much needed.  As far as the Youtube/you got talent videos, I'm pretty sure I can't safely do this myself anymore, but just out of curiosity, which was your favorite? I'm guessing I've seen it at least once.   

What I'm really trying to say is that I feel for your struggle, and I'm sure you must know already this, but you're not alone, and not the only one that goes through some of this stuff. Maybe it helps to hear it from someone else. 
 

thanks613 wrote on 17 Apr 2016 18:29:

Thank you, as much as I think I know I'm not the only one, I sometimes don't feel that way. Thank you. Also, I actually thought I was the only one with the shower thing, (agav, this isn't a regular thing, just when life gets unmanageable). What talent acts I like most? I like the auditions mainly, but only the good ones. The better and more emotional the act, the more I like it. I don't really like the failed auditions.

I'm pretty sure poor self care (little sleep, skipping meals, less than ideal hygiene) is par for the course for people with addictive behaviors.  But maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I do need to shower more ; )


I bet you clicked on all the ones that said "...Made Simon Cry".    I did!

Ah I can already see it
GYEs got talent

Lol, of course I watched the one's that made Simon cry. I also like the Golden Buzzer ones a lot. Hmmmm, good idea Aryeh...

Would trucking be considered a talent ?

I'm in Israel, and I would like to share, but it's annoying to do so on my phone. So I'm sharing that.

Shlomo24 wrote on 17 Apr 2016 05:26:

Maybe because you do not have wife this is why you are having SSA? Because you do not have healthy outlet now.  IY"H you will find wife and be happy soon.

it says on kiddushin

הביאהו לידי כי אתא חזייה דלא פריס סודרא א"ל מאי טעמא לא פריסת סודרא א"ל דלא נסיבנא אהדרינהו לאפיה מיניה א"ל חזי דלא חזית להו לאפי עד דנסבת רב הונא לטעמיה דאמר בן עשרים שנה ולא נשא אשה כל ימיו בעבירה בעבירה סלקא דעתך אלא אימא כל ימיו בהרהור עבירה אמר רבא וכן תנא דבי ר' ישמעאל עד כ' שנה יושב הקב"ה ומצפה לאדם מתי ישא אשה כיון שהגיע כ' ולא נשא אומר תיפח עצמותיו אמר רב חסדא האי דעדיפנא

For my own sanity, I will answer you in short: While I cannot answer that question, because I am not married and never have been married, I really do not think that that is the reason.

Ehrliche, it's good that you're ehrliche, and what you wrote could make sense, but the reasons for ssa are very deep and are different for each person. There are many married people here with ssa (myself included) who have not seen any improvement in ssa dispite a happy marriage without actively working on the reasons that caused the ssa.
Its nice that you want to help.


(Shlomo, kudos to you for your calm answer)