just an update, got an sa sponsor and things are looking real swell in general. doing some really intensive work with my shrink, got to levels of thought that i hadn't approached ever before, its really helping. realized a lot of how i perceive myself and how i perceive others. additionally i have been taking a new mindset in how to stay sober. i have adopted a much more preventative mindset, even though i am sober longer then ever before (6 weeks) and doing well, still i am insisting on working the steps and keep on improving. in the past i would tell myself "hey, i am doing great, i don't have to work hard now", and then i would have a bad day and end up harming myself greatly, i don't want that to happen anymore. also i have been reaching out a lot more and i have been utilizing the first step of surrendering a lot. i have personally seen how hashem in his infinite kindness has delivered me messengers of help when i am feeling down, its quite amazing. there is a certain guy in my yeshiva who is in sa and has been sober for over 2 years, he is full of eitzos and he has really helped me out, he is just one example of a messenger from hashem. he always seems to be there when i need help.

thank you hashem. KOT everyone!

hey guys, haven't posted in a while... b"h i am doing really well in terms of staying sober, better then ever before. i have an sa sponsor who is excellent, he's full of good stuff and he's always available. i call him every day. i am finding myself more comfortable in the sa meetings, i am even volunteering to do things that i wouldn't have done before.

yeshiva is going excellent, i really like it and i really love my rosh yeshiva and my first seder rebbi. obviously, the whole eretz yisroel had a very big shock recently, but we have to realize that everything is hashgacha pratis, even if we don't know the reason why.

my ssa has also gone down considerably and i am feeling really great about it, my attractions have gone down a bunch. i am at a point where i recognize that i like how someone looks, but that is it, no fantasy involved and hardly any lusting. the main thing is that i have lusted at a bare minimum the past 2 months or so.

i also realized that i have very selfish motives for many aspects of my life. however, its not a guilty type of confession, i do not feel like a bad person. i feel that i have room to grow, its a much more positive realization of a chisaron. i am not 100% sure about the ramifications of it though, i will speak with my therapist about it at more length.

i will end by thanking hashem for ALL he has given me, including sa and ssa, it was his will for those things to be happen and i must be happy about it, tov hashem liolam chasdo that means that he was and always will be good to us.

YTC! KOT!

Shlomo24 wrote:


THAT is a great mindset! I would never have gotten close to Hashem as I feel without this addiction. It forces me to call out to Him every day. Just read your whole thread. Very positive and inspiring. I wish you continued success and will bli neder think of you in my prayers.

Kol Tuv!

Great work! KOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See ya soon

Hi Shlomo great to hear! KUTGW!!

Going back to when i was a kid, i always had this "thing" with chasidim,
(by chasidim i am referring to the sects that wear streimels and have
curly peyos). I actually detested them and couldn't bear looking at
them. I didn't really know why i couldn't look at them, i realize now
that they triggered something deep in my unconscious and i was actually
yearning for them. However, because of my "pekelah", the main one being
fear of vulnerability, the attraction was guarded.

Over the past couple of months, i have been thinking about chasidus and
chasidim a decent amount. I was thinking about their outward love for
hashem and their prishus from the garbage society that surrounds us.
This past shabbos i ate by a Bialer (if that's how it's spelled) chasid. I exited his apartment with the weirdest
feeling. I felt very attracted to his outward display of emotion and
love for hashem, (i am seeing images of his kiddush as i write this),
but at the same time it seemed also logical. It was a feeling that i
never had before. I was going to delay making any advances on this
"feeling" before talking to my therapist, to see if chasidus is
something i should learn more about.

I ordered a book called, "God Of Our Understanding", by Rabbi Shais
Taub. Being that I was came to Israel on a very impromptu notice, the
book was shipped to America while i was in Israel. I finally received
the book today.

Today by mincha i said to hashem, "hashem let it be your will to give me
clarity about my feelings/view (i forgot which one) of chasidus".

I started reading the book today because my chavrusa was no where to be
found, very uncharacteristic of him. The book is about addiction and it
was talking all about the spiritual experience that people with
addiction need. He explained that we all have a very strong desire for
this experience and we couldn't stand that we didn't have it. Therefore
we resorted to our drug of choice which gave us that temporary
"spiritual" experience. I really resonated with that.

Towards the end of chapter 2 Rabbi Taub mentions chasidus in context,
out of the context the quote appears, "chasidus (the mystical teachings
of chasidic masters)". As soon as i read that line i got a really
intense feeling throughout my whole body and i started crying. Totally
not willingfully. I realized that my unconscious desire for a spiritual
experience was driving me towards chasidus. For me the outward
expression of emotion and love towards hashem was what i craved. Ever
since i was a little kid. The thought hit me like a lightning bolt, it
came to me, it didn't come from me if that makes sense. That is why i
had the strange feeling after the shabbos meal, i had just experienced a
small but genuine spiritual experience. Now i had a full blown spiritual
awakening. That is why it felt emotional but seemed logical. Because it
was neither and both at the same time.

I davened for clarity today and hashem answered me. The hashgacha of
the whole incident is amazing, the fact that i only got the book today,
which was the perfect time for me to get it. I mamash see hashems hand.
Also my chavrusa was no where, really weird of him.

I want to really learn the true nature of this experience and i plan on
speaking with people who can guide me. There's no way to describe how i
felt, but i know, somehow deep down, that this is the right path for me.

i talked to my rebbi last night about chassidus and he pretty much said "no". he did give me other suggestions on how to create dveykus to hashem, which i welcome and will pursue but i do still feel a bit hurt. i actually feel like he's correct in his assessment about my personality and my motives for wanting to learn about chassidus, but still i feel like maybe he didn't understand me completely. i am going to ask him if he lets me daven at chassidish batei midrashim and/or eat meals by chassidim. i'm pretty upset actually and i feel like my bubble was busted majorly, i am also feeling a bit of resentment towards him. however, if i don't listen to my rebbi then that really won't make sense. i would be avoiding my rebbi in order to get closer to hashem, that is a pure yetzer hara thought. i'm just having a hard time swallowing what he said...

KOT!

deep breath yea?

maybe you can meet up with some chassidish gyers!

dms1234 wrote:


i wish. can't really get in contact with any gye'rs in israel. (if i sound pissed it's because i am)

Hang in there. Very likely your rebbe has had experience with this with other bachurim and can guide you properly.

To be a member of GYE, you do not need to belong to any particular sex, race, gender, sect, religion, etc.
On my travels thru GYE land, I have met all types: Chassidic, litvish, sfardish, askenazic, tall, short, skinny, bald, etc.
We are all in this together.
Our minyan will daven the recovery tefillah - it will be in the same nusach (perhaps the havarah will be slightly different).
Take it easy on your quest to hook up.....DMS will be there soon....one step at a time.

b'hatzlachah

ok here goes. 1st comes 1st, 9 and a half week of sobriety are done. i am not freaking out about that though, it's not a race nor am i racking up numbers. however, what i am bugging out about is the state that i am currently in. i went on phone sex for 5 hours yesterday which culminated in masturbation. the most embarrassing thing is the fact that i talked to a yeshivish guy from lakewood. even more shameful is that i specifically asked him to talk "yeshivish shprach" while talking dirty. i don't know where that came from. (it was disturbing how the word "geshmak" was used). however, i didn't stop there, i eventually dropped the call and told him that i am in sa and a member of gye so i am not going to be "motzei his zerah" or mine for that matter and i told him there was hope for us. next thing i know though i was back on the line, this time talking to a chassid (could possibly be connected with my desire for chassidus, i hope not), i was actually disgusted by myself for that. eventually after being on and off for 2 more hours on the line my roommate walked in so i hung up. i subsequently went to the bathroom and you know what, even though it was in a urinal. ughhhhhh.

i had made a lot of calls yesterday but i was in this crazy sex zone that i couldn't get out of. i had a really crappy week, couldn't sleep, missed a lot of sseder and let my awesome chavrusa down.so that's probably why i had to soothe myself, however once i took that first action of lust my brain felt like something else was controlling it. i am an addict and i am powerless over lust.

however, today i also called the line twice, again i specifically stated in my greeting that i want to talk to jewish guys, even if they said they were jewish i asked if they were yeshivish or chassidish, trying to reclaim the thrill of yesterday. i can't say that i didn't enjoy it, i just didn't want to do what i was doing. the actual act of masturbating i did not enjoy yesterday though. i have not masturbated yet today, but who knows.

basically, i am in this crazy state, and i am trying to be productive and taking positive action, but i think i just need time to get out of this... i have never felt like this before.

even walking in the streets is a sakanah, every mildly good looking guy is a potential sex partner, its crazy. i honestly want to jump on a bus to mir or brisk and find a nice good learning boy to act out with. ya, i really really do.

i have to turn to god and thank him for making me sober this second, which b'etzem is my tafkid. i know the whole "one second at a time" thing, but that didn't even enter my mind during active lusting. yes, dms is going to say take a deep breath and gevura is going to be overly positive. thanx guys i love you.

i need to thank my sponsor also for sticking with me and helping me through this, i also need to thank big moish, you are a rockstar and an awesome guy. your advice really helped me, even though i am crazy. there's another member of gye who i am incredibly close with, you know who you are, i also want to thank you. last but not least, god i love you and my only desire is to get close to you, even though i am a crazy nutjob thank you.

wow, writing this felt awesome! thank you gye. hopefully this feeling will transfer forward.



YTC!

You already wrote my post for me...

I totally relate in many ways. The way one little hit of the drug brings it all back full force and its like a snowball rolling down a hill fast. Once we're in the mood everything becomes a trigger.

OK so you already know what to do. Keep on pushing the thoughts away, think about how you want to be close to Hashem. Don't dwell on the past, what's done is done. Take a deep breath (Sorry DMS )

YTCKOMT!!!!

(Was that positive enough? )

Now, I feel even worse that we didn't meet....although we did see each other.

b'hatzlachah friend

I think it's okay to fill in for dms, as he is currently in self-imposed exile.
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/202690-Dms1234s-story?limit=15&start=375#244643