Hatzlacha raba! It may also help to join an SA group.

Hatzileini Na wrote:


sounds like a good move to me. [I should continue with my professional; haven't done so in some time.]

Keep us posted please.

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:


It's hard to actually make that phone call, and it seems like I usually start doing ok when I decide I should go in that direction.

Getting back to a more normal schedule has helped and things have been going pretty well B"H.

Gut Shabbos to all.

gibbor120 wrote:


I decided to go back and read through the posts in this thread for Chizuk. When I came your thread Gibbor120 again this time it caught my attention because I do think I struggle with perfectionism.

One of the challenges for me is that I have not found a way to remain vigilant in some areas while letter go of perfectionism in others. In the past when I have tried to "be easier on myself" I have found that I quickly spiral into negative behaviors and this seems to be the reality in so many areas of my life. I know the perfectionism is not healthy, but I'm just not sure how to safely relax it.

I've read a couple of the articles but did not see anything that particularly addressed this point. Do you know of one?

Thanks!

You make a good point, and I have struggled with that question as well.

If you have read and/or listened to Dr. Sorotzkin, I'm not sure how much I can add. I will try anyway. One thing that helped me was to realize that I am not in control. I can do G-d's will to the best of my ability, and that's all.

A lot of perfectionism is based on feeling low. So, if I am perfect no one (including G-d) can have tainos on me. Then I get stressed because, hard as I try, I am not perfect, and I'm trying to escape the wrath of Hashem and people. So-and-so over there learns better than me. This one has more money. This one has is more popular, or has a nicer voice. The list is endless.

If I focus on serving G-d to the best of MY ability, with the talents that G-d gave ME, and let go of my stress. The more I realize that all I can do is try, and the outcome is in Hashem's hand, the less stress I feel.

I'll give a fictional example. I'd like to be on time to shul. So, I keep checking my watch, I want to leave at a certain time. Then one of the kids needs something, so I yell, because I'm uptight, because I HAVE to be on time. I mean the KING is waiting for me. I put tons of pressure on myself. The light is turning red so I plow through and almost hit a pedestrian and cause a chillul Hashem.

Instead, I can say. I was going to be on time, but one of my children, one of Hashems children needs something. What is the right decision right now? To take care of him. I am running late. It's ok. I can't control everything. The light turned red, and I will be even later. Again, there's nothing I can do. It's out of my control.

I hope I illustrated a certain mindset. When I change my mindset to do what Hashem wants right now, my stress level goes way down. When I think I have to make it to shul or Hashem will be angry with me, I'm not really serving Hashem. I'm worried about my own schar v'onesh.

Some of this is hard to convey in words. I hope it helps.

Gibbor

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm hoping one day I can "make sense" of the balance between striving from a positive place and striving from a negative place. I saw a study that distinguished between 2 types of ambition, I'll have to try and dig it up and see if this time around I can comprehend.

All that said, I'm trying to focus on doing the right thing. "Giving myself over to Hashem" as I understand it, when I'm having a hard time etc. B"H things seem to be going pretty ok. I realized I mostly post when things seem really down, so I figure Thanksgiving is a good time to post that B"H things are going ok. Thanks to everyone who has posted in the past and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and post going forward.

I know from myself that it's easier for me to make productive changes and initiatives when I am on a high.

b'hatzlachah

Wanted to stop by and post. B"H things have been going pretty well for me. Taking things a day at a time, but also trying to do what I need to, to move myself forward in a positive fashion. I started speaking to a therapist and God-willing that will help. B"H I think I've been moving forward in many areas of life and just hope and pray it continues.

Thanks to all for the ongoing support. I hope to be more active here with other members as well providing Chizuk instead of just taking.

Just passed 90 days, though not concerned that this will mean that the challenge will just disappear

In fact, the last couple of days have been the hardest in the last few months.

I came hear to post in my thread, but jumped to a few other threads and read the struggles some others have been having and tried to offer some Chizuk and it seems like that has helped me get into a better frame of mind B"H.

The journey will continue on one day at a time Bez"H.

Mazel tov! Hetzileini, you have reached Tzadik days, may Hashem give you many years as a real Tzadik, day by day, Amen.

MAZEL TOV HN!!!!

Your doing great.

KUTGW!!!

Slipped...

As I posted earlier in the thread, I often have trouble sleeping. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. Laying in bed unable to sleep for hours I ended up slipping.

On one hand I am comfortable with the idea that what happened happened and there's nothing I can do about that. (And I wasn't looking at anything inappropriate etc.) I've put a bit of thought into how to prevent this from occurring in the future and am in a good frame of mine.

At the same time I'm kind of bummed because I didn't want to "break the streak" even though I know that that's not what really matters.

It's really silly, but I actually stayed away from the site for quite a few days because I did not want to reset my number. So stupid, but whatever... onwards and upwards.

You are amongst friends - no matter what happens.

b'hatzlachah

It's been a while since I've posted, and it's been a really strange time for me.

Things had been extremely stressful for a while (coming from all directions) and I found myself gravitating to watching things I definitely should not have on my phone. As strange as it might sounds, my phone was never really a trigger for me. I had had a filter for a while but it was incredibly frustrating to use, so I got rid of it a while back, and was fine. Recently that seems to have changed. Somehow discovering there was a "private" option on the iPhone changed things.

Searching on this site I found the way to set strong limitations on the search function for the iPhone (using the child restrictions and the like) and while it has been a bit limiting in other areas, I know it is a small sacrifice for my sanity.

Meanwhile, somehow at the same time, I've been finding ways to break through positively in other areas. I've been doing more socializing, putting in efforts to have fun and find ways to de-stress, and overall I've been actually pretty happy with the growth in these areas over the last couple of months. It almost feels as if I am allowing myself to not be such a perfectionist, but to work to find joy in my life knowing that the more I can do so, and the more I can be engaged in positive things, the easier other struggles will become.

I'm really kind of confused as far as what to make of these seemingly contradictory happenings as I certainly don't want to be fooling myself and using these "changes" as a means to slip in other areas.

I've fallen quite a bit over the last little while, helped along by some very challenging circumstances (to me anyways) but B"H I feel like I can take this and grow from it.

Thanks to all who still take the time to stop and read and empathize.

Welcome back to posting, don't be a stranger!

A couple of things that I've found helpful are:

1) Being happy, finding things to be happy about

2) Staying connected even during tough times

Hatzlacha!