Welcome, Guest

introduction trying2bgr8
(0 viewing) 
Welcome to our forum! Introduce yourself here (anonymously, of course) and get a warm welcome from the rest of the community!

TOPIC: introduction trying2bgr8 2423 Views

introduction trying2bgr8 20 Aug 2014 18:35 #237669

Hi-

I have been a member on this website for almost a year, then went "offline" for a couple of months, and now im back. Let me start with a little background. It all started when I was a child and found that mb relaxed me and made it easier to fall asleep every night. I would mb every night for years. As I got older, and was still a child I would take all the macys ads and look at them while mb. From there it went to reading newspapers, to tabloids, to seeing my first playboy magazine. As it seems from reading the blog here, one never get satisfied. Being no different, I "upgraded" to more explicit magazines. While there I remember thinking that this is a huge chillul hashem, but was not able to stop. All this was while I was in Yeshiva and was officialy a "very good" bachur. I would even sneak the magazines into my dorm room. When possible, I would buy porn videos and watch them at home while no one knew. Every time I would do something like this, it would make me cry from stooping so low, but it would never stop me totaly. Then was the time that we would get those free 100 hours from AOL cd's. I would use them on my parents conputer, while piecing together a bunch of phone wires so that I would be able to run a wire from the computer to a phone jack. My parents had no idea that there was ever internet on the computer. Al the while my friends and rabeim had no idea at all. It got so bad that I ended up going to a strip club 3 times and getting dances each time there. I cried each time, but still did not stop doing these kind of things. I went to Israel to "learn". Did some learning, and a lot of touring to places that I would be able to see girls that I would become aroused from. After Israel got married, and then pretty much stopped. As time went on, and I received a computer from work that would not allow me to install a filter, my old habits came back. Ive watched real porn on youtube (think ppl underrate what can be watched there). I had a big fall again this motsei shabbos and decided that enough is enough. I joined the 90 day program, and real motviated to be done once and for all. Any suggestions will help. Thank you!

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 20 Aug 2014 19:01 #237672

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12070
  • Karma: 652
Welcome to the club.
you did the first step here of openin' up and sharin' your story.
Take your time and peruse the site...the forum, the home page and all the tips.

The oilam is here to help you with the ride (on your recovery truck).

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 20 Aug 2014 20:54 #237680

  • gibbor120
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
  • Posts: 5251
  • Karma: 166
WELCOME! Thank you for sharing that. Many of us have experienced the same thing more or less. You have taken an important step in the right direction. Keep posting and reading. There is some good stuff in the handbook (you can click the link in my signature).

90 days is just a jump start. Real recovery means learning to live differently. Often the triggers are not just physical, but emotional. Tiredness, boredom, stress of different sorts. We need to learn to deal with them in healthy way. You seem to have started masturbation as a calming technique.

There is a lot to learn here. Keep reading and posting. You will find your way. You seem determined, but determination alone only goes so far. As you described, you were not happy about what you were doing but could not stop. Recovery requires a different method. It is not built on determination alone.

Like I said, keep reading and posting, see what works for you.

Reaching out to other people is one of the most powerful things you can do. You have already started. Does anyone know about your problem other than people reading your post?

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 21 Aug 2014 17:36 #237713

Thank you for replying to my post. I have noticed, that since I joined the 90 day program (and any time that I am able to hold back from falling), I feel so much more upbeat, have so much more to say to people, and am having more hatzlacha in all areas.

Please let me know if others have the same feeling.


Recovery requires a different method. It is not built on determination alone.


What are your suggestions for the best method?

Does anyone know about your problem other than people reading your post?


No. No one knows besides for myself and those on this forum.

Thanks

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 21 Aug 2014 19:47 #237715

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12070
  • Karma: 652
Yes; success leads to other successes....especially with this struggle that takes up so much of our time, space and thoughts. A victory here is freedom....true freedom...not the wanton lust that we are so used to.

so, while you are feelin' good, develop a plan of action. Join a phone conference; find a mentor, read the white book, etc.

Keep us posted.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
Last Edit: 25 Aug 2014 18:41 by cordnoy.

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 21 Aug 2014 20:12 #237716

  • gibbor120
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
  • Posts: 5251
  • Karma: 166
trying2bgr8 wrote:
What are your suggestions for the best method?
Start with the handbook. It goes in progressive order. I wouldn't tell an occational masturbator to go to an SA meeting, and I wouldn't tell someone seeing prostitutes every night to learn mesilas yesharim.

It's different for each person. I like the pragmatic approach. A doctor will start with a low dose of medication. If it doesn't work, he increases the dosage. Try the things in the handbook. If the "dose" is too low. Try a higer "dosage".

Opening up to other people that understand you is very powerful. The more real, the more powerful. This forum is not very real. Calling someone on the phone - more real. Meeting in person, speaking to a rav or mentor can be very powerful.

Keep us posted.

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 21 Aug 2014 20:19 #237718

  • dms1234
  • Current streak: 767 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1106
  • Karma: 49
WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also found acting out before bed de-stressed me and allowed me to go to sleep. Perhaps that is something you need to work on in the future.

But as gibbor said start with the handbook and then check out Skep's tips
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 21 Aug 2014 20:40 #237722

  • bigmoish
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1194
  • Karma: 170
Welcome!

Riveting story!

May I ask if you know what motivated you to stop when you got married? Perhaps tapping back into that feeling can help you back in the right direction. Just a thought.

In any case, we look forward to hearing more from you.

Kol Tuv
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"We have met the enemy and he is us" - Pogo
"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 25 Aug 2014 18:40 #237893

7 Days! and feelig great about it. Heres to another 120 years!

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 25 Aug 2014 18:43 #237894

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12070
  • Karma: 652
Great to hear!

Care to fill us in on how you are doin' it?
What tools do you use?

Information as to what works by one helps another.

thanks so much

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 25 Aug 2014 19:07 #237895

For starters, I've been staying on GYE when i have free time at work. Since theres a lot of free time where I work, its important that I have a good place to go online, as apposed to seeing all other garbage on the net.

Secondly, it helps when you feel good about yourself and keep busy. It definitely helps feeling good when you are able to hold back from looking at improper places. Its almost a catch-22. Staying clean helps you feel good about yourself, while feeling good about yourself helps you stay clean. You just have to get the initial ball rolling.

Lastly, I'm trying to train myself not to take the "second" look. When I see a pretty woman in front of me, I try not to look twice, and I try not to beat myself up to much for the initial seeing.

Hope this lasts!

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 25 Aug 2014 19:30 #237896

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12070
  • Karma: 652
All good stuff.
Keep it up.

Take a sneak-peek at the handbook and at Skep's tips the next time you're free at work.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 27 Aug 2014 17:40 #238072

Hi-

While I have been doing well BH lately, I had a big disappointment last night. During my sleep I was mz"l and woke up feeling very down. Feel like im the best I have been in a long time, and this is what I get?!?!

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 27 Aug 2014 18:25 #238079

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12070
  • Karma: 652
Banish the thought!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: introduction trying2bgr8 27 Aug 2014 19:56 #238088

  • Pidaini
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • פדני מעושק אדם-מיצר הרע העושק את הבריות-רש"י
  • Posts: 2189
  • Karma: 107
Welcome trying2bgr8!!

It seems like you are succeeding at what you are trying!!

I relate very well with everything that you wrote up until now, the progression, boredom as a trigger, feeling good, bad dreams, I can truly say that I've been there done that!!

There is one point that I want to address, that is the "feelings" point, and for me it's the answer to the dream thing as well.

One thing that I learned from being on GYE is that I lived my life for feeling good. I would do anything that would take away discomfort and help me feel good. If it was Torah, I would dive into it, if it was playing sports, I was of the very best, and if it was porn, I'd spend hours on it.

Learning that life isn't always about feeling good, but rather about doing what needs to be done, is one of the big changes that I'm working on. Now, I know that when I'm not feeling good I'm going to look for ways to feel good, so I need to e prepared for those times. I have contacts that I contact regularly, I speak to Hashem, I use the forum by reading and posting, etc.

So when trying2bgr8 wrote:
Secondly, it helps when you feel good about yourself and keep busy. It definitely helps feeling good when you are able to hold back from looking at improper places.
I need to remember that it's very nice, but that's not what I'm aiming for and I have to remember that it's just extra credit.

When something comes up that "causes" me to be in a bad mood, I'm not always in the position to change that, but I can always remember that I don't need to change it!!

KOP!! KOMT!!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov
Time to create page: 0.68 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes