okay you guys - godhelp, gevura shebyesod, cordnoy, dms1234, inastruggle, and belmont4175, you guys are my best friends.
gevura shebyesod wrote: Pischu Li Pesach KeChudo Shel Machat...
I actually felt that I was given extra siyata dishmaya just because I cared enough to reach out to you guys for help - which is more than I would have done three months ago. I managed after all of these years to open that needle hole. and that itself helped a lot.

dms1234 - thanks for the reminder - Don't fight. Take a deep breath and pray to Hashem. And then smile.
that's the beans and meat of the 12 steps in one fantastic line. I tend to forget not to fight it myself. your chizuk is appreciated.

cordnoy, belmont4175 and inastruggle - you are absolutely right. sometimes I feel the yetzer hara is the best false advertiser in the world - he keeps blowing things up, he puts the idea of lust on a pedestal, and constantly validates and overrates destructive behaviors ... and people keep falling for it.
worst of all - he has you convinced that if you don't fall for it, the desire will just get worse and worse until it kills you ... that it will never wear off. after being sober a good while, and going through a few of these difficult periods, its clear that the ta'ava attacks come and go. falling for it wont take it away, and ignoring it will not keep it there forever. I find this a great chizuk.

you guys are awesome! thanks for all of your continued help. I am rounding day 84, and the "problems" that started this weekend are beginning to wear off.

my dear pickamoniker: welcome aboard. as I said - there is a siyata dishmaya that comes just because we care enough to go for help, and to join a program that moves us closer to purity. I was fortunate enough to really feel this divine help. these fellows may become your best friends too. they are the ones who truly understand the challenge, and who are concerned enough to be there with you through the thick and thin. good luck.