Hey everyone, im new here and ive been told to start my own story (thanks godhelp:) even though I was reluctant to share but if it will help ill do anything, so here goes..


My story starts at a young age, I was 12 years old and one day there was no school so I decided to go with my father to work , anyway he went out to take care of something and there I was playing a game on the pc, let me make it clear I did not go to watch porn at all, because I didn't even know what it was...

don't ask me how but after a few minutes of playing one link led to another and I saw IT,the image that changed my life forever. i was shocked! to me it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen two people like that and im looking at it! I quickly shut it off, this doesn't make sense..

but it was too late, the venom already hit me and my mind was slowly being poisoned I would go back just for a little, be shocked, repeat. until it didn't even bother me anymore , in fact I liked.

fast forward 11 years of torture, being imprisoned by lust, shame and guilt, constantly felling like a nobody, and here I am.. I got married to the most amazing woman in the world and I thought that it would automaticly subside, and it did, for 3 glorious months I was the happiest man on earth, and slowly it started coming back first with looking and so on, I remember the first time I fell after marriage I cried so much, why why cant I just let it go when I have so much good!

I started doing some research on porn addiction, I was shocked. I had no idea I was even addicted, I thought this was me being intentionally bad all this time, and then I realized that its not me, the real conscious me would never do this, this is my addiction this is the boy in front of the screen!

bh I found gye and im doing better than ever! now that I understand more whats happening I started learning tools and to be better prepared for when my addiction acts up.. I did 28 days until falling yesterday and today.. its not 90 but for me its the most ive done in my life! (aside from when I got married then there was no test) and im not letting it get me down like in the past tomorrow the fight starts again and this time im aiming for the finish line,

that's why im here writing this, telling you my story is giving me strength to start again, I need chizuk.

the worst is that I wasn't asked, none of us were.. if someone would ask me hey, u wanna feel good for a little but the cost is your life, I would have never agreed, but we weren't asked.. this is our nisayon... were fighters.. thanks everyone for this amazing site.. may we all have hatzlacha and be strong for our selves and family.. Thank you

Thanks for openin' up.

welcome to the club!

Are you still in shanah rishonah?

It wasn't clear from your post.

b'hatzlachah

Sorry I am second to post (I told him I would be the first)

You did great by sharing. sharing itself makes the addiction much easier when you know there are people waiting to hear how your doing.

keep posting, you will get through this stay strong.

Hi Dovi and welcome to chevrah!!!

its great to have you here and amazing that you opened up thats step number 1, now make yourself feel at home and get to know the chevrah its a gevaldige bunch of guys,

looking forward to hearing from you and remember help is on its way, KUTGW and KOMT!!!!

WELCOME!!

there is hope

opening up is a very important first step for many of us
stick around and Hashem should help all of us find what works for us

WELCOME!

Its great to have you and i (and everyone else) are looking tog et to know you better!

Could you share a little bit more of your struggle with us? Also what tools did you use during those 28 days that kept you clean. Was it primarily techniques on not falling (preventive actions) or were you also trying to live life (face your challenges and not shy away from them)?

Welcome dovi!!!

It's awesome that you've opened up, there is nothing like it, and if you continue it may very well change your life!!

I felt very much the same about marriage, only to be utterly disappointed. It took me about two years after that until I joined GYE, and it has changed my life completely.

Don't shy away, we're all in the same boat, going through mostly the same things, and just being able to express ourselves to an understanding friend is as little as we need sometimes.

KOMT!!! and Keep on Posting!!

Welcome to GYE!

dovi2002 wrote:


preface - To Cordnoy and anyone else who hates it when I discuss "philosophical" points in my posts, I think the following point has actual relevance in helping people as a tool in their recovery. If you disagree, or if you feel it is still too philosophical for your liking, you are welcome to just skip this post. ]

One of the big issues I had before embarking on the path of recovery, was concerning the above point of "It's not me!".
As I have written in my introduction story,
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/227674-%28PART-of%29-MY-STORY#227674
I was involved, for about 2 1/2 years, in an online chat relationship with a frum married woman from New York. [I live in Israel].
Although I have never met this woman in person, [it was 90% chat or email, with a rare phone call, with all the necessary steps taken to "cover our tracks"], over time we had shared with each other almost everything about ourselves, about our true lives, our children, our problems, etc. Almost no subject was too private for us to share.
There was one subject which from the beginning I made very clear to her that I wanted to keep "off limits". That was the subject of the details of our respective bedroom relationships with our spouses.
Although a large portion of our chats would revolve around sexual topics, the going ons of our real bedroom in our own homes was never discussed.
One other thing which we, or in this case I should say I, never agreed to share, was a photograph of myself. She had, after a time had gone by where she felt she could trust me enough, emailed me a picture of herself, and had many times tried to beseech me to do the same. Although a few time I almost did succumb to her pressures, I never did end up sending her a picture of myself.
Whenever she asked me why I didn't want to send her one, and "it's not fair that I should not reciprocate," since she had sent me her's, I would say "I just don't feel ready to yet".
When I felt that she was truly, and rightfully beginning to feel offended that I didn't trust her enough, after so long and so much private sharing, to send her my picture, I decided to really think into what it was that was really keeping me from doing so.
I knew it was not shame or fear of disclosure, because A- we lived 7000 miles apart, and the chances that we would ever meet face to face was very slim, and on the other hand, I had already shared with her enough personal information about myself that she knew almost everything about me anyway, and I knew all about the personal and private things in her life, and we had built up an emotional closeness. In addition I trusted her enough so I was not worried that she would tell anyone else about me.
After some thought about this, I realized that the reason I did not want to send her my picture, was the same reason why I didn't want to discuss my private bedroom life, with her. The reason was because doing so would make our relationship too "REAL". I wanted to keep a certain boundry-line between my "real self" and my "real life", and the life we had between us. I felt comfortable enough that she would understand this reasoning, and I told her this the next time she brought up the issue about sending her a picture of myself.

After I cut off the relationship with her, [actually it was thanks to her, as I wrote in my story post,], and I joined GYE, I discussed this subject with DOV, and (after adding the additional point, (which is one of his pet issues), about "hiding behind" anonymity, and "addictions thrive in darkness"), he agreed and expounded upon the problem that many addicts have, that they look at their addiction as "it's not me". "There's the guy out there who watches porn/masturbates/lusts after women in the street/is unfaithful/has sex chats etc..., and then there's me. There's 'that life' and there's 'my real life'..."
He pointed out the importance of realizing that IT IS ME who is addicted! It is part of MY REAL LIFE which is being controlled by this addiction!
Denying this inhibits our ability to recognize the addiction for what it is, and keeps us from realizing that "I cannot continue living MY LIFE like this!".

I therefore take issue with the writer's words that "I realized that its not me, - the real conscious me would never do this, this is my addiction this is the boy in front of the screen!...".

What a distinction I have.

Nice; thanks.

I wasn't sure of the connection to Dovi's post though.

[Additionally, I could challenge your rationality for not disclosin' those two things because that would make it real.

I have my suspicions that it was somethin' else.....however, since it is philosophical, I won't bother.]

edited: i have no right not to take your words at face value. my bad...sorry.


b'hatzlachah to all of us....doin' the right things now...only now, for that's all that counts.

cordnoy wrote:


The connection is quite clear. Dov explained that the thought that " its not me", - and "this is my addiction, this is the boy in front of the screen..." are detrimental to our recovery, and not, as the writer claimed, a prerequisite to recovery.

cordnoy also wrote:


Maybe we should start a thread called "Is 'philosophy' an important part of recovery or not??"
We'll see what reasons other members give as to the pros and cons of it.

Just to be clear, my comment was posted before your previous (not the last one) post was edited.

I agree with you and dov one hundred percent!
Sayin' "it's not me; it's the addiction" is counterproductive!
it is against step # 1 - d'haynu - acceptance.
We need to accept the reality that we are sick, diseased, filled with lust and uncontrollable.
Only then can we embark on a journey (lifelong...that is...unlike mr HBC that we can be recovered) of recovery.

What i didn't understand and still don't and explained to you in chat is that your story about yourself does not relate to this point. in your issue, you had a relationship. you knew it was you, not the addiction. you just were sayin' that you drew a line as to where this relationship cannot go, for you didn't want to make it a real relationship. same word "real," but two meanin's.

Sorry

thanks

b'hatzlachah

stay safe

OMG!!!
CORDNOY - I just realized that you had meant that you didnt understand the connection between what I wrote and DOVI's (the writer of the previous post) post, I thought you meant DOV, who's discussion I had quoted in my comment!
ok clarified it in chat.
Sorry

WELCOME Dovi! It's nice to have you here. GYE has changed many lives for the better, mine included. Your post expresses your pain so clearly. I had many of the same feelings. Although I grew up exposed to TV and movies and didn't quite find porn "by accident" as you did, I still was quite innocent in a way. Kind of like a tinok shenishba.

That is important only because it alleviates some of the guilt. Guilt only makes the problem worse.

Recognize that you did not choose this and didn't know what you were getting into. At the same time, it is you that is doing those things, not some outside force. That is painful to admit, but it is the doorway to recovery.

You have already taken a great first step - opening up. It is a hard thing to do, but it is liberating.

Does your wife know anything about your problem? Do you have anyone you trust, rebbi, rav, parent, friend, that you can open up to?

Read the handbook, get ideas, post here about your feelings.

I think the discussion here is related to a post by dov (a GYE legend) called Captain Kirk. You can click on the link in my signature to "dov quotes" if you'd like to read it.

Keep us posted on your progress. You have friends here rooting for you, who understand exactly what you are going through.

Welcome Dovi!

A hartzige mazal tov on 28 clean days.
An even greater mazal tov that you didn't let the past 2 days get you down! Because the yetzer hara's secret is pulling us down further after we fall, 'since we messed up anyway'.

Now, it's YOU taking responsibility for yourself here, may Hashem help YOU feel deserving of reaping the rewards of the struggle.

Keep those posts coming!