Here is my story. It goes back to when I was 11 years old. I know its crazy that I have been battling this for most of my life. I was such an innocent kid and a really good kid. My mom has a bad back and bought a massager to help her back and left it in her room. I was joking with my brother that I am going to put it by my mid section with no idea what that really means. I did it and it felt really good and then something came out from me. I had no idea what it was but I kept on doing it. I still remember though when I could not focus I would do that and then I was pretty angry and focused but I never understood why. Then a year later after doing this many times I realized what it was. It then started turning into watching some bad things. The things I was watching would get worse and worse. I then would not be able to sleep at night until I watched something or mzl. I would never do this on shabbos and when I went to summer camp I would never do it. I then went to eretz yisrael to learn and it was great. There were much fewer tests and I was doing great. However during a bein hazmanim after a clean year, i was alone and tested and failed. I could not believe it. I thought I was over this. I then went back to israel and had another good year and came back and was learning tremendous amounts. However when I would get home I was tested as if I was in high school again. I could not believe it. i ultimately failed then. It was crazy, I would learn all day for hours and in 20 minutes I can ruin everything.It is so hard living in sich a stira. I got married and thought it would be fully better. The truth is that it was for a little bit until I was faced for so many days in a row with a challenge and ultimately failed. Around that time I found GYE. I began to realize that I have an addiction. I read some of the stuff and it was good chizuk but I never (even today) have followed the entire program. I have to. I make the shavuos and even the double taphsic but after 2.5 weeks I am going crazy. I need to follow the whole program. I can write all day but I just want to thank GYE for allowing us all to feel there is hope. I preach to younger kids all the time how important it is but I am having ssuch a tough time just destroying it. I hope to next time wirte thaat this is behind me and while it is never over, I hope to have control.

Kol Hakovod that you are joining such a chusheva group. I am new to this whole thing to! I have found the posts are very insightful. Being part of a group definitely gives me a place and forum to see that I are not alone and there is others that are also having a hard time. I get to see how different people express themselves and how they deal with their struggles. These struggles are the most hidden struggles and the fact that I can communicate with others in a respectable manner is very helpful!
Keep up the good work and with your choosing a different lifestyle and Hashems help you will see major progress! Amen
As some say keep on truckin and you will see the salvation!

Welcome Finally1! You are in the right place. The main thing is to stay far from nisayon. You seem to do ok when not tested.

What are your main tests now? Can you avoid them?

Coming here should help. You can find people to chat with who really understand you.

Have you read the handbook? What strategies have you tried?

Keep on posting!

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its great to have you here. Your story seems similar to mine and a bunch of others on this site. It has been a long battle, perhaps you should step back from the battle and try to relax. All this fighting with the yetzer is really tiring and stressing

Thank you so much for answering. I know I have way too many triggers in my life but it is very tough to get them out. I work in the city and that alone is a tremendous nisayon. It sometimes feels that no matter where I turn there are triggers and crazy nisyonos everywhere. I also keep convincing myself I dont need a filter for now which I know is a mistake. Hopefully I will get it soon

Welcome

There is a lot of help here. Stick around.

You used "hope" and "hopefully" several times. You know that a filter will not be installed with hope alone. You understand that change will not occur with just hope.

It comes about with effort, work, and a great group of guys. GYE provides the great group; you provide (hopefully) the rest.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome to GYE!!! You've finally made it!!

You're story sounds very similar to mine, the only difference is the way it got started, but after that, the same, or actually a bit worse, I wasn't very good in yeshivah in EY either.

Have you opened up to anyone yet? That has been the most significant change in my getting anywhere.

There is a lot to learn and a lot of friends to make, so don't be a stranger, Keep on posting!!

KOT!!

hi there,
your last words are very ambitious. you hope to have control. actually avrohom avinu had complete control over himself. and i guess you are applying the chazal of "mosei yagi'ah ma'asei l'ma'asei avoisei". aim for the sky. that way you actually get somewhere.
but it seems from a lot of people who struggle that it takes a long time to get to the end destination. and it takes a major struggle that can change your very being.
and for some it is a lifetime battle.
there are also a lot of tools on this site-look around-and keep posting.

All of you are right. I cant just tslk about things, I actually need to do them. First, I have never told anyonoe about this because I cannot find the right person. Who do you suggest? Second, I want to start now but everytime I say that my yetzer says start later and later. What do I do?

2. Start now anyway.
1. A Rebbe, mentor, Rav, therapist....someone you have absolute trust in.

b'hatzlachah

gee, i know it's real tough in the begginning. especially the shame!!
a practical step may be an anonymus person, so you have it easier talking it out.
maybe call the gye helpline and ask them.
keep on posting.

Finally1 wrote:

Chalom Echad Hu. Both of your problems are the same problem. You are nervous to tell anyone - very understandable. We all are/were. This causes both problems. You procrastinate, and you can't "find the right person".

You will never find "the right person". You will always find a reason why this person or that person is not "the right person". It is not you talking, it is your fear talking.

The only way out is to - JUST DO IT!

Sharing with others was the most difficult thing I ever did, and (not coincidentally), by far, it helped me the most.

At some point you have to face it. It never gets better, only worse, until you address it. It hurts, but it also heals. Open up.

You can start here by posting and chatting. We are all in the same boat and will not judge you. Many of us have done worse things and for longer. We are here for you. We understand you.

a comment on this end I have in the last six months told maybe ten men about my problem with internet porn and I have never had any one question me put me down or disagree with me . Seems to me that telling people is one of the best healing there is . And it opens up a conversation that is healing . I can look in there eyes when i tell them and see they know exactly where i am coming from no one is immune from this trash , it does us all good to talk about it

ewards

I am 23 days clean. That is the longest streak I have had for a while. However this is getting crazy. Everywhere I look something else is making my mind wonder. I work in the city and try to walk with my glasses off and head down but this is still so tough. How do I push pass this tough stage?

Have something to think about when you walk. Walking around thinking "don't look, don't look..." usually leads to looking. Think in learning, or just about a topic in general that you are interested in.