BH past couple days were good. I was out of town at a friends wedding, the happiness was really felt in the air. A thought came to me that much will have to change by me before i can make that move...
"Abstinence is not enough" what else should i be doing? Is every addict supposed to work the steps? We startedtking about it earlier. It feels like the urge is a symptom of self absorbtion/consciousness.

Thanks
Gut shabbos

Dr.Watson wrote:


That was the theory of Albert Einstein but The Gr"a in parshas Bo by Makas choshech writes:
וז"ל:

יש לומר דהנה האור בריה והחשך בריה ולא כיש אומרים שהחושך העדר האור, דבאמת לא כן הוא רק בריה בפני עצמה אלא שהוא נדחה מפני האור, כי כן שם הקב"ה בטבע הבריאה, ולפ"ז כאן שינה הקב"ה את הטבע, שחושך ימש את האור ולא להיפך.

This can be proven by the words we say every day in davening "יוצר אור ובורא חושך"
clearly darkness is also a "creation".

See also the words of the Netziv in העמק דבר, בראשית, א, ה, where the issue is discussed at length, and the conclusion is the same, that Darkness IS NOT just absence of light but rather a creation unto itself.

Ramban beginning of Breishis says that there two types of darkness - one is a creation and one is absence of light.

Hatzlacha

MT

I fell...

Sorry to hear that. what can you learn from it?

Dust yourself off and keep on going! You can do it one day at a time!

Fell again... Sometimes ther isnt even a fight its just so natural without thinking, it just bypasses my mind without even asking). I think i need to take this to the next step, im just very unclear as to what that should be. any advice?

I would advise getting to know the guys here. Use the chat bar and just speak to guys. It's important to get out of our heads.
Also the guys here are AWESOME!!!!! plus they can give you good advice too.

dms1234 wrote:


Thanks for the compliment dms!!!

Make sure to see the 12 suggestions on the First Time Here page.

Also, check out your Personal Home-page. It will guide you through each tool/task that we suggest, one by one, and help you track your progress in recovery.


after you do that, or maybe even before change your name to something more positive.
There is hope!

kilochalu wrote:


kilochalu give him some ideas of names,

i actually thought his name was pretty funny,

i don't know yiddish so well but what is the opposite of tzudreiter? or something that would mean becoming less tzudreit? tzugleichen, no, i guess that is opposite of tzukrummen,
i don't know

i need to vent abit amongst people who i feel will understand where im coming from.
this shabbos i was feeling really tense and uptight, im not sure what from. and i felt like i was going to explode, and guess what? i did! and big time. i was so overtaken by this rage for lust, to the extent that at 1am i drove to manhattan and drove around just to see the saturday night party animals walking around. it was as if i had transformed into this beast. going into a bar or worse is an ice i still have not broken, but street viewing came up short. so i walked into a magazine store and bought a pornography mag... the asian behind the counter looked at me like im crazy: a religious looking guy buying this?! but nothing was gonna stop me at this point. and acted out and drove back home and got back at 4am!!
i have never done something like that before, to go so far out of my way to get my fix... and i think its just a matter of time before more "ices" are broken, unless some real changes take place.
I really have doubts in my future...
and p.s. i kinda like my name! sort of expresses how i feel about myself (at least sometimes).

it is that thought that terrifies me the most (which is why i try not to think about it).
when the beast hits; when the tayvah surfaces; when the desire rears its ugly head, there is no stoppin' it.
when I ma in those moods, the things that i will do; the places that i will frequent; the holes i will crawl into have no restrictions.

it's a tough one...and that is why...when i hit my rock bottom, i said: ad kan!
it helped for a while, and i need to get back into that mode.

that is why i say that second looks are the kiss of death, for i know where it will lead me, and that is nowhere i can write about here.

b'hatzlachah

dear tzudreiter
i hope you don't mind me giving my two cents.
i think the first step in your situation is the absolute obligation to believe that be'ezras Hashem, you can get out of this. i am not making light of the situation- but i am telling what i think is a undeniable truth. YOU CAN DO IT.
of course there is battles and stuggles and it wil take time. but you gotta go to first base before second. look yourself in the mirrior and scream I CAN DO IT

Dear tzudreiter,

Your pain is palpable, it really is!!

Sometimes, with a bad wound, you need stitches, which can hurt more than the current pain, but without it the wound can wreak havoc (not from experience, I have BH BH BH never gotten stitches).

This isn't an accusation, just a question. I know by me that there are things that I do, and I sigh about them, and ask Hashem to help me stop doing them. But what am I prepared to do to get those results? very little. It's a preference, not a necessity.

You seem to realize that you're rolling down a steep cliff, the question is, what are you going to do about it.

tzudreiter wrote:


If you're not going to change anything, then nothing will change. It's just the facts of life. Have you opened up to anyone yet? Have you come out and faced the truth of who you are to another (safe) Human being? or are you still not ready to give up your dream of who you are, and therefore play the role of that person, while eating yourself up inside "struggling" to hide from the fact that you are a person who will go to Manhattan to look for your fix?

Ice needs to get broken, but you have the choice of which ice to break, the ice covering freedom, or the ice covering slavery!!