My journey back to the living

Hi everyone, heres my story, probably nothing more then the regular, but its mine, so here we go...
I was a innocent little boy who didn't make much trouble. It was chanukah year 15, i was in Manhattan saw a very triggering advertisement and didn't realize what the results would be if i just continued a little more... But nature took its course, and i was devastated, couldn't come to terms with it, i wasn't perfect... My childish view of life was shattered to bits... I was depressed for a full year! I couldn't believe what i did to myself. That summer a nasty staff member told me:" you think its frum to be depressed..." It took some time for me to move past the whole thing (tishrei was a big help).
Any ways that was the beginning of my dark side which was cuddled away deep down. lately (the past couple years) its come to life and barely a couple weeks cant pass without a fall.
More recently i came to the recognition that i am stuck.
Last year i found this site which helped alot but im still far from the life i want to live.
Taphsic methods listening in to calls, and i can hold a couple weeks at a time, but not cold turkey.
Nu still got work to do one day at a time reclaiming life.
Love you guys

I don't want this to become the focus of my life, i want to live the life free of worry...
Any helpful experience out there?

I live with constant fear and insecurity, is that the way i am supposed to be living?!

Concentrate more on your successes than on your failures, tht will boost your general positive feeling about yourself and 1- help you in staying clean and 2- as time goes buy you wont have the negativity which is causing you to "live with constant fear and insecurity".

BTW seforim say that shovuos is a time for "major life renewals" similar to rosh hashanah, so if you want to daven for your life to take a change, shovuos would be a good time.

Hatzlocha Rabbo, and may you have huge Siyata Dishmaya.

tzudreiter wrote:


It sounds like you're fighting for abstinence, i.e. not falling. That will have limited success.

Much more important is recovery. Recovery means much more than just not falling.

When you say you still have work to do, what work are you referring to? What are you doing on a daily basis to recover? Please be specific.

Hey there friend!!

I'm a perfectionist, I wants to be a perfect tzaddik with no nisyonis, but that much I realize that that's not practical, but I at least want to be able to have the nisyonos of my choice!!

It took me quite some time to accept the obvious fact that this is what Hashem wants from me, and that is how He wants me to serve Him. If at any time I feel like asking "why" I know that that's just me wondering why I can't serve myself and be the the big tzaddik......for me.

As for fear and insecurity, what are you referring to?

KOT!!! KOP!!!

Welcome again.
don't feel pressured, but you didn't really open up.
We still have no idea of what you struggle with.
Also, like I wrote on a different thread to you, and like the Good Doctor wrote here, dependin' on what your situation is, there most probably is no simple switch that you can turn off with a snap of your fingers...at least none that we found.

Stick around.
Learn some tools here.
You will begin to feel good again.

b'hatzlachah

as the guys say, Open up. let yourself put your thought into words. make this thread your diary of sorts.
work it through. you will get to brick walls and the oilam will be here to show you how to climb over them.
someone just sent me an email the other day with a great mashal.
somebody was going through life and he had big nisyonos. it was like climbing a wall.
When he got over the wall he just bumped into a higher wall. the routine kept happening and the walls got higher and higher.
but eventually he turned around, looked down, and realized that they weren't walls, they were steps. steps to get him to where he ended up.
so dig in and start climbing. the sky is the limit.
hatzloch

hey tzudreiter, what a nick

just wanted to say you hi, and KOT!

And, Welcome עד כאן!!!!

Don't be a stranger, we could use another friend here!!!

KOMT everyone!!!

So frustrating to fall, again!
Makes me so inactive and heavy.
Never mind the fact that my double TaphSic didnt work, so its gonna cost me too, just feel like the ultimate looser.

An i ever going to live normally? Just focused and free?

I can't remember where I heard this line but it goes:

"this illness is unique in that when we learn to live with it we actually become better than before"

So yes I believe we can live well even with the addiction. It requires a lot of patience though.

Thanks doc
Just one Q are you speaking from rhe books or from experience?