Hi to everybody, sorry if my english is not so well, but my first leanguage is not english..
Im a baal tshuva since Im 14 years old, and from 18 Im in a yeshiva in yerushalaim, and now im 21.. I discovered all this world when Im was 12 in the computer of my big brother, I think that I started being an addict when I was 15, I dont remember a whole week that I stayed clean before coming to yeshiva.. Its my first time I write in the forum, so I dont know exactly what to say.
I think that its important to say that in my yeshiva, everyone see me like the top bochur, so this make me feel worst when I fell.. I have once 107 days clean, but after that it have been very difficult for me to mantain myself clean a week! Im desesperate, I want to finish with this double life.
The major problem is that in my yeshiva there is a office with a computer that has no filter, and Im the responsible of the keys of that office.. so you can imagine how difficult is the situation.
thank you for listening..
Abraham Jaim

welcome Abraham!!!

baruch hashem you made it here a place where you can really find many tools and people that can help you get a grip of yourself, if you made it till here hashem will help you to keep on going in the right direction,

make yourself comfortable and at home on the site and be"h you will see what it has to offer,

keep up the good work!!!

abrahamjaim, welcome. And your English is perfect. Could you possibly speak to someone and in an indirect way suggest that it's probably not a good idea for a computer in a yeshivah not to have a filter on it. The other suggestion that came to mind was that maybe you could give up the job with the responsibility to lock up the computer.

In any case, you've come to the right place. That you're desperate probably means you're bottoming out, which is a good thing not a bad thing.

I wish you success.
Joel

Welcome to the forum abrahamjaim!!!

It's great that you you posted, and your post came out absolutely fine!!! One point of interest might be to analyze when you fall. Is it every time you use the computer? What points can you identify as triggers?

Whatever the case is, great move on posting!!! Keep on trucking (that means keep on going, no matter what)!!!!!

Mazel tov on comming out here and posting, that is really hard. If you really have an issue, if you are an addict at all, I mean I don't know, it still is a big step that you come out here.


Keep posting man :-)

P.S. I don't have a filter on any app that i use, like my comp, tv, phone, my eyes :-))))

Welcome
you are in the right place.
you even coaxed Joel (1daat) to come out of hibernation.

Let us know what you tried; what worked and what didn't?

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME! You have come to the right place. You seem to have 2 issues. One is an old problem of acting out. The second is a specific situation right now. You do need to have safeguards right now. The computer needs a filter, and even if it has one, you may not be the right person for that job.

The bigger problem is your acting out since you were 12. It's been almost 10 years. Read the handbook, try some tools and see what works. Sharing your story with us should help. Do you have anyone else in your life that you can open up to? A rav, rebbi, parent, other family member? That will help even more.

Getting it out in the open is the first step. You are on your way. Keep posting.

WELCOME!!!!!!!

Perhaps check out: Skep's tips

Like the others have said, I agree that you must filter the computer. Maybe you could just do it yourself, the next time you are on the computer (so if your reading this, right now! )

Thank you to everyone, I start feeling this thing of the forum very good...
I think that a big mistake I have is that Im waiting to be inspired so it can be more easy to leave this problem... but that inspiration time I think that would never came because I have waited it a lot of time.
a thing that worked me many time (when I haved my 107 clean days) is that when I started feeling an urge to see things or to act, I went to a store or to my room and eat a chocolate or something and this help me very much.
Now I dont know how to start again I keep falling almost everyday, and just after falling I feel like; no!! what stupid Im... and the story repeat againg and again
Can someone tell me a reomendation how to put a filter to a computer that is not mine and that I cant know the password of the filter?