Greetings Everyone,

Thought it was time to introduce myself, though there's only so much I'm willing to share on a public Internet form.

I have a long history of acting out sexually, one that goes more than four decades, starting somewhere around age eight or younger with compulsive bouts of masturbation that I called my "crazy moods." I tried to stop them, but never could. I had an early exposure to porn magazines, probably around age 10 and by age 14 was visiting adult bookstores, seeking out anonymous sex with men, masturbating in public, making obscene phone calls. I engaged in various fetishes before I even knew what the word meant, visited my first prostitute by age 17. I've been to dominatrixes and sex clubs, engaged in voyeuristic behavior and was once almost arrested for flashing. Raised in a non-frum family, I started dating around age 17, though I was very shy and didn't really start dating until my last year of college.

I had always told myself my sexual behavior was because I was desperate and lonely, but even when I had a girlfriend I continued to act out even while neglecting her sexually. I sought counseling but was told my problem was basically that I had too much shame and needed to find self acceptance. It wasn't until I was in my thirties dating a woman training to be a therapist that I encountered the term sex-addiction, which was then pretty new. She told me I was a sex addict, but for a long time I denied it, thinking I was just "kinky"--though I could never fully accept my own kinkiness and even when women were open about it with them and snuck around behind their backs.

During my short, first marriage I used pornography and fantasized obsessively about other women. After the divorce, I went back to full-fledged acting out, sex clubs, cross-dressing, sex with transvestites, massage parlors still asking myself and my therapist is it a problem or a lifestyle? Do I need to stop this acting out or find a woman who enjoys and accepts it? (I tried the latter many times, but never really could find one--at least not one I wanted to be with)

Then, in my forties, while in Israel I fell in with some guys from Aish and attended a lecture in which a rabbi discussed the story of Jacob wresting with an angel and being touched in the the thigh, which the rabbi interpreted as being wounded in the genitals, explaining that Hashem was basically identifying this as a weak spot for Jewish men in particular. I felt he was speaking directly to me, like maybe observant Judaism was the answer to my problem, and this, among other things, lead me to a prolonged exploration of frumkeit.

But despite becoming more religious, if not quite frum, I could not rid myself of obsessive fantasizing, objectifying of women, and acting out. Once, after attending shul and having a shabbat lunch at the rabbi's house, I headed straight out to "dungeon" and spent more than a thousand dollars on stuff I won't go into here.

Eventually, I decided to try real treatment (though, actually I'd been seeing a counselor for sex addiction at the time) and checked myself into the premier treatment facility in the country. I had some good experiences there, learned a lot, met some great guys, but the whole thing went sour in the fourth week and I had to leave the program before finishing. After that I was erratically committed to the notion that I was a sex addict.

About a year later, I married a Jewish woman. I told her about my past but mislead her as to how much I had overcome it. We have been married for 7 years now and twice she has caught me acting out. And even now, I STILL sometimes wonder and debate with her whether I'm a sex addict (or she is just not as open-minded as she could be).

But in my saner moments, I know I've got a real problem, and it's not just that I'm unable to accept (or find someone to accept) my "alternative sexuality." And so, I'm in therapy now with a trained sex addiction therapist, getting in involved with SAA groups again, and coming here for support.

Thanks in advance for all your help.

MYB

Welcome
Thanks for sharin'.
I'm assumin' from your sarcasm that you know the answer to your question.
I know it's not any consolation, but I have been a lust addict for more than three decades as well. Some of the things you mentioned could have been spoken about me.

I finally went to a therapist.
Came here.
Opened up to other real people - even those I knew.
Joined an SA group.
Still an addict, but I am in recovery mode.

b'hatzlachah to you

Welcome to GYE, certainly the right place to come for anyone that feels they need any sort of help for any range of sexual misbehavior!!

I have found meself an awesome clan of true friends, people that understand what I am feeling, and when I ever need support to do anything to help me, they are always there cheering me on.

Keep on posting, and most of all KOMT!!! There is light at the end of every tunnel (if not it would be a cave not a tunnel!!)

MYB wrote:


I'm in Israel too. Could you please tell me the details of that "premier treatment facility in the country"?
Also you wrote that "the whole thing went sour in the fourth week and I had to leave the program".
Would you mind sharing what it was that "went sour"?

WELCOME! It sounds like you are getting help.

It's interesting that even after all you wrote, you wonder if you are a sex addict. Many of us suffer from that same denial. We can see it in others, but for ourselves, we think it's not an addiction, just kinda, sorta, a problem sometimes, we think .

I think that is part of the point of a first step inventory. To see in black and white all the acting out and see objectively that this IS addictive behaviour and I need help.

Hatzlacha. Let us know how it's going.

Shivisi, the treatment facility was in America, not Israel. Not sure how that got mistranslated. I'm not in Israel.

As for why things went sour, I'd rather not get specific on the post. If you PM sometime when we're both online, I'll try to explain. What I will say is that I feel I was treated poorly and incorrectly, wrongly punished regarding something I shared in group; the staff would doubtlessly have another interpretation.

MYB wrote:


I'm extremely shocked to hear that you were "punished" at all!

From what I've heard from whoever I have spoken to, who has ever been to an SA meeting,(I've never been to 1 myself"), I understood that one of the biggest points that defines the SA meetings is that "you are never judged!", you need not fear to share anything related to your addiction, because you know that you're in a "safe" environment, where everyone there is going through the same thing as you are, (each with his/her own details).
And you say that this was "the premier treatment facility in the country"!!!???

I'm truly disillusioned now!

Maybe "punished" was the wrong word. I was thrown out of the program. It was not during an SA meeting but in a group therapy meeting. And I was extremely disillusioned myself afterwards and it took me years to get over it, if I ever actually did.

WELCOME!!!!!!

You have a very inspiring story. Thanks for sharing.

Perhaps check out: Skep's tips