Hi Everyone,

I am a normal frum yungerman.
I am married with 2 children for 4 years.
I was doing well for a while ( i once did around 150 days clean), but lately I am doing terrible.
I tried to put k9 on my pc but it does not work as according to the techie from tag I have to weak connection to the wifi I use (2-3 bars)
I cannot afford to pay money for a service and I cannot live without internet.
My wife needs it for work and I also do.
I would love to tell my wife the truth as that would help a lot as she would help a lot. However , she is the type that if she would find out it would make her very insecure and she would lose all trust in me.
Even pushing for filters to much is not good as she will start suspecting me.
i put my son to sleep i the room with the pc as I would not dare do it in front of him, But then I went to the phone.
I am lost and so not want to do.

firstly welcome.

Even comin' out to post is an important first step.

I have said in the past that if all of us know so well how to search for porn and find it and get it for free (myself included...big time), shouldn't we know how to search for filters...good ones...and even free?

There probably is a good answer for that.....

That bein' said, there is a link on the front page of this site that lists many different options. I have never heard that k9 won't work on a pc...is it hard-wired or wireless?

There is also a free site called opendns.com.
It is very good and has many options.

Ultimately, it will be up to you, for only you can make it secure enough....I know by me that needed to get done in my head, not the computer.

b'hatzlachah

Keep us posted.

I had it in my head for a while, but lately I cannot fight it.
I am ready to make my pc secure I just need help to do it. My pc is shared wifi with the base in someone elses home.
Secondly, I know myself that if it is not readily available I would not really have a problem. I would not go search for it.
If this was the 1990's I would be a tzaddik.

Welcome Climbing,

My name is Eli. I am also a "normal frum yungerman" (although not an "yung" as I used to be)(The truth is many people have told me that I'm also not normal)

I would suggest that you start here guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/initial-evaluation

and then go here guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/20-tools

As you get moving you will slowly find what works for you.

How did you get to 150 days? Is that something you can try again? (I don't mean 150 day, I mean the method you used that helped you get there)

climbing wrote:


That thought has crossed the minds of many people on this forum,

Maybe it's true, but that doesn't matter. You are living here and now which means that HKBH didn't want you dealing with this there and then.

...And don't be so sure. the yetzer hora is quite good at getting people where he wants them.

So don't think abut it. It will only depress you.

First of all - WELCOME!

climbing wrote:
yup, most of us here are "normal" too.

climbing wrote:
I can relate. I once had a streak of over 200 days as a bachur. I had many more much shorter .

climbing wrote:
It sounds like the issue is downloading it to your PC. Once it is on your PC, it should not matter. You may be able to get a copy on a cd or flash drive and install it that way, or just move your computer closer temporarily to download it.

climbing wrote:
What do you and your wife use it for specifically? Why do you need it for work?

climbing wrote:
Been there. Eventually, she caught me, and it wasn't pretty. I hear you loud and clear. Oh, and most wives would feel insecure and lose trust, not just yours.

climbing wrote:
Yup, when I would bring it up, she would get nervous, so I stopped bringing it up.

climbing wrote:
Be careful, we tend to think "I'll never cross this line" only to find the temptation too strong. Take care of it now, before you cross lines you never beleived you would cross.

climbing wrote:
So, it's not just the PC? It's the phone too?

climbing wrote:
You are in a tough situation. I'm not sure what to tell you specifically. Some yeshivos, schools, or even shuls even have policies of having internet filtering. Does yours? Can you use that as an excuse? You tried putting K9 on. Does your wife know about it? Did TAG have any suggestions for you? Do you have a Rav, Rebbi, or someone you trust that you can speak to?

You need to attend to this. It will not go away by itself. The Y"H is like dough. Left alone, it will just keep rising and rising.

Keep us posted. I feel for you. I was in your situation.

Thanks for the suugestions I will try it IY"H.
The 150 days was partly because I was getting sick a few times then and when I get sick I do not go near this as I a, to weak and do not want to get sick again.
I think Hashem punishes me with making me sick, so when I get sick I have a pretty strong resolve not to sin.
Boruch Hashem I started a new drug that is really working and I have been in remisson since November ans my resolve has not been as strong.

WELCOME!!!!!

the guys here seem to have you covered (filtering, attending to problem, etc). Perhaps check out: Skep's tips.

climbing wrote:


I guess you're either better than me, or you're just wrong. I was a bochur in the 1960's (!) and I was no tzaddik. The old fashioned YH found enough ways to trap me, without computers/cellphones/internet/etc.

But why speculate (if my grandmother had wheels, she would still keep on truckin') about what would've, could've or should've been. Let's focus on the here and now. TODAY is the key to our success.

Hatzlacha

MT

Machshovo Tova wrote:


I second that. I was a bochur in the 90's and there were no shortage of places to get my fix. Even the internet (slow though it was) was a source. Blaming it on the internet, the filter, the wi-fi, the color of the sky or the length of your toenails is missing the point.

You have to work on you. No external forces are going to fix your problems by themselves, only with your work can you expect to break free.

First of all welcome, thank you for being here.

climbing wrote:


I feel like you should ask your Rav if it's OK to not buy arba minim or build a succah every year in order to save the money needed for the filter.

Think that's crazy? To me it seems obvious that not having a filter is worse than not having a succah.

From a business perspective, you need certain things for work: a computer, internet, software and a filter. That's just part of the cost of running your business. You wouldn't say you don't have the money for software if you really needed it for work. You really need this for work too.

When I bought a computer for work, it didn't cost me £300. That would get me a computer but it would be useless to me. It cost me £450 or so cos as much as i needed the hardware I also needed the software. The first thing I did was pay for an anti-virus program. The second thing I did was pay for a filter. Then I started thinking about how to use the computer for work. But those two things were part of the cost of the computer. I can't have a computer without anti-virus software or the computer will become worse than useless to me. In exactly the same way I cannot have a computer with no filter on it or it will become worse than useless.

Put a third way: can you really afford to not have a filter?

I also would suggest that you do not get into the habit of keeping an unfiltered computer in your son's room. He may be too young for that now, but chochom einov berosho.

climbing wrote:


Exactly the opposite! One can only become a tzaddik by having opportunity to sin (especially in this area) and overcoming the yetzer. That's how Yosef Hatzaddik (and others) earned the title. You can too.

Now, we've all being going on about the filter, but is there more? When did you first masturbate? Did you have the internet then? Do you ever masturbate without the internet? Do you objectify women on the street or fantasise? In short, is the problem in your computer or in your head?

I'm sorry to hear about your illness, may you have a refuah sheleima. I don't think Hashem is punishing you. Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't know. What I do know is that Hashem loves you deeply and wants all the best things for you.

behatzlocho.

climbing wrote:



Maybe you can try the idea which has helped many who have had the same "wife problem" as you.
Tell your wife that you feel that since the Rabonim have so strongly stressed the need for EVERYONE to have an internet filter, you feel that you (here say "we" so that you show that you assume that she also understands the importance of this idea), should install one, just for the reason of complying with the general "klal" ,although we might not particularly need one. Tell her you (here say "I" so she should feel that your not criticizing her,)would feel much more "comfortable" knowing that you have not said "they don't mean me", but rather you have included yourself in the klal.
Hatzlacha rabboh.

Thanks for all the suggestions.
First of all.
I know of course that I would be no tzaddik in the old times either. I was just bringing across the point that since it is readily available it is very hard for me to control.
Secondly Dr Watson you are right that I cannot afford not to have one, but there are free ones available, so I do not see the need to pay, just like I use a free anti virus. Also, if I told my wife I want to pay for one she will really be suspectful even if I will tell her that I want to be part of the klal as she knows I would not pay for something unless I need it.

Thanks everyone. Unfortunatly I fell again last night:(

climbing wrote:


Sorry about that.
Unfortunately, we cannot undo our falls.
Fortunately we can work on preventing future falls.

Hatzlacha

MT

climbing wrote:


I'm very confused by this. You need a filter. It has to be free because you can get one for free. Only the free one isn't working, so you can't get a filter for free so you can't get a filter. But you need a filter so you need to buy one. Only you need a free one because you can get one for free. Only you can't get it for free cos it's not working, so you need to buy one. But you don't want to buy one so you can't have a filter. But you need a filter.

I can't figure this out. Please elaborate.