Hi sib

I wish I knew years ago that it was tension and all my negatives middos that led to my acting out. my wife was the sole source of all my acting out, I would feel insulted and then have to beg her to be together. Or I would feel social isolated and avoid shalom zoches by trying to get her o be together with me. But the worst was when she go angry or rude at me I had nowhere to escape to she wasn't going to be togther with me now - now she hated me - my internal response was thought of rape (rahmana lezlan)

now I am in recovery

charlie1

What else is the alternative?

My wife confronted me about my addiction and encouraged me to come to GYE. She is my biggest supporter and is well aware of what passes for summer frmale attire in NYC.

Charlie 1 asked:

"Hi does your wife know about your acting out?"

dov may disagree but I think that all of us who have posted here know that there is a whole range of behavior that we would call acting out ranging from masturbation, reading, and downlaoding porn to watching strippers and engaging in sexual acts with women other than your wife. If you read my story, I certainly engaged in a lot of masstrubation and more than my share of watching, reading and downloading porn, and even watched a stripper when I was a teengaer, but I never went beyond that in terms of my acting out.My wife is aware of my addiction and confronted me with the need to get help and join GYE-which I view as one of the best decisions in my life.

Well, the summer has really arrived in NYC in full force, and that means "less is more" is what is defined as "casual feminine attire" on the streets of Manhattan, which has looked like the proverbial beach. It is a daily struggle, but the glazed subway commuter look on the streets combined with a quick lunch and Mincha and an open Gemara and an ipod with a shiur on the subway continue to work as I have passed 325 days ( Kain Yirbu) of Taharah. Having a seder in all details of life from the time that I get up to when I go to sleep continues to work for me. Without my therapist, the support of my Eshes Chayil and the chevra here, I would never have begun to confront the addiction of porn and masturbation that plagued me for too many years.

My wife will be taking a short trip with a cousin, and then aftercoming back for Shabbos, visiting our daughter, SIL and eineklach out of town for three days in August. Events like that would have sent me down the rat holes of porn and masturbation-but so far, since I have been here, and with the help of my therapist , the encouragement of my Eshes Chayil and the chevra here, I am 330 days Tahor.

I have decided that the glazed subway look works well on the ride to and from work, and is really the only defense that I have in response to the "less is more" attitude of casual summer women's fashion. Even moving a subway seat doersn't always work, because there is no escape from inappropriately dressed women, other than the inner realization that we live by a set of values that stresses the lasting cement of a realizationship, as opposed to the fleeting sense of physical attraction. When I realize what I have-a great wife, great children and grandchildren, then what the exterior world views as important ceases to have importance.

Dov wrote in part:

"I was just in Manhattan, and definitely empathize, but the salvation for me is to come to truly believe and remind myself that no matter how juicy and outrageous the images of those women are, the problem - if I have one, is in me, not ever in them.

No matter how lusty she may look - she isn't lust itself. I am the one experiencing the lust. Nobody can give me lust if I do not use them. In a way, they are the victims, not I. And concerning myself with their intentions (whether they are bad for dressing that way and why they do it) is poison sh'ein kamohu for me, as it is nothing but a cheap and easy way to excuse lusting after them"

This is the key-recognizng that you are experiencing the lust , not the scantily clad woman personifies lust itself. You have to adopt a strategy that works for you to help you avoid the lust.

This week continues to be a very hot week in NYC. So far , so good-the glazed subway commuter look continues to work wonders. If I momentarily look the wrong way, I turn my head and eyes back immediately. I just encountered a link from an article on a great website which has superb coverage and analysis of American and Israeli issues, which had a picture that was inappropriate-and I immediately turned away-such a picture would and could have been a real bad trigger to far worse sites. B"H for GYE, my therapist and the ongoing support of my Eshes Chail in remaining Tahor since I have been here.

Good to hear.

Don't forget that sometimes it's easier when she is not tahor .

b'hatzlachah

SIB101854 wrote:


cordnoy wrote:


Cordnoy:
He did not mean that his Aishes Chayil supported him BY remaining tahor -
He meant that HER support helped HIM remain Tahor.

thank you

I did not realize it at first, but when it was pointed out to me, I added the smiley for the humor shebo.

b'hatzlachah

In the past, my boss, who can sound like a real ogre, the heat, a lousy commute and the "less is more" dress of many women in NYC would have sent me scurrying down the rabbit holes of porn and masturbation. GYE and the chevra here, together with a great therapist and my Eshes Chayil, have helped me realize what is important in life-that's why, I am still Tahor, even though the triggers which I struggle to avoid on a daily basis , remain present.

Thank You for sharing, can you let us in what it is that you do with all those mentioned that helps you?

I am inspired by the chevra here because I realize that we are all in this battle together. My therapist who encouraged me to join GYE, and my wife who demanded that I join GYE, and who is my closest source of support for everything in my life, encourages me to remain Tahor.

It is hard to believe it but I just passed 360 days of Taharah here. At the risk of repeating myself, my therapist, and my Eshes Chail gave me the encouragement and ultimatum to sign up here. I can't emphasize enough the fact that recognizing what is important in life-emotional intimacy with your spouse, appeciating children, eineklach, great friends and community and working hard at Torah Avodah and Gmilus Chasadim outweigh the fleeting pleasure of the twin rat holes of masturbation and porn. I also can't underscore that having a seder when you get up and go to sleep is so important, and that even if the street looks like a beach during the summer, you can adopt a glazed subway look and walk right by ( and even turn your head right back after a quick glance) and ignore scantily dressed women who may think that they are attractive, but really deserve our pity for thinking that dressing in such a manner is essential to meeting someone.