Its about time I tell a story. My story.
Ive been attending Saa meetings and using GYE as a tool since last year January (2013).
I havent actually taken the time to reach deep inside and tell my story as it is.
But today ... I Know its the right day.
See, I get angry at Hashem (amazing that I believe in Him yet still feel so distant). I say to him "Honestly, you couldve given me any other challenge but this Sex Addiction. I dont see how its fair. Its so embarrasing. If my challenge was over-eating, i could speak to so many people about it. But Im too embarrased to tell people who dont understand that im a Sex-Addict."
Its been an amazing and really scary journey.
Im 22 years old. Ive been friends with girls for as long as time existed. Ive always indulged and got such satisfaction from speaking to girls. Before I got addicted to Pornography and Masturbation, i was already addicted to the lust attached to female company. I never saw what was wrong with it. Until i got older and started developing a Seichel. When i turned 18, A teacher of mine in Yeshiva Gedolah opened up my brain and i feel he really got me thinking. It was so scary being so open to the world. I felt vulnerable, no longer could i rely on hometown advantage/family support/previous childish mindsets. I had to start the journey of uncovering myself and fast before i crumbled into Yerushalmi Kugel.
I fell into a 2 year long depression through the years 2010 and 2011. I was learning so much Torah and gained massive strides within my ability to Learn.
But the realisation for me was - somethings not right with my previous and current behaviour.
If i take stock today, looking back on my life I can list my addictions as such - Masturbation, Pornography, Physical sexual acts with girls, Indulging within deep conversations with girls and sharing so much of myself with them, addictions to so many chat portals such as Msn, Skype, Facebook, Sms, Watsapp, BBM, Email. I really abused those and spent a long time on them, Indulging in Video Games = wow I spent a long time playing those games ( And even these days, if I Play a game Grand Theft Auto its a turnon for me and gives me the desire to act out). Im currently addicted to coffee but not prepared to change that yet.
Depression and seeking isolation is part and parcel of me. I sometimes walk a thin line between hisbodedus and staying away from people.
Im a sensitive, caring and loving guy. I really enjoy doing good and helping others with physical or mental or spiritual acts. Im also naturally a perfectionist. I used to beat myself up mentally a lot more ( I still do, though not as much). I started seeing a therapist in conjunction with a psychiatrist beginning of 2012. The therapist helped me eliminate a lot of smaller issues in my life, and taught me to love those around me.
He also taught me to be honest. Which is HARD !! But oh so rewarding.
I acted out with a girl after 2 and a half years in Yeshiva Gedolah. ( I stopped learning full time after 2 and a half years and im now studying secular studies).
It was one of three times Ive acted out with a girl in my life. It was the third and last time. It was the only time i wasnt drunk. The morning afterwards i felt like burying myself in a hole and dying. That was the only time in my life i actually felt like dying. It was the strongest conscience shock i have felt in my life.
I learnt how to cry again on a life skills course last year July.
When i think about my life, it can really bring me to tears.
Ive used myself as an observation experiment. I observe how i operate. Im really quite a complicated 'machine'. I can only conclude that someone with the wisdom of the Almighty must have created me.
I started recovery for a few reasons. -I was sick and tired of beating myself up. I felt alone and needed support. I never knew others struggle with my EXACT problems and have done actions that even i find crazy, like much worse than what ive done. I also knew that for me to stop being a phoney and stop living like a religious jew on the one hand and being a sexually immoral guy on the other, it was time to take serious action. I also didnt want to begin this work when i was 60 years old, having a lived a life of addiction and secrets. Im also scared of the future = how my future wife(who i havent met) will be able to accept me with all my shortcomings, if ill be able to bring up kids without being a secretive angry fellow, if ill actually be able to recover and live in recovery, and actually start living with choices and not just running after Sex. Im also scared how ill be able to have a real relationship with my wife without trying to delete her like i do to the internet history.
Recovery is not what i expected. I expected myself to be clean from day one and be perfect afterwards. What a shock it was to my system to realise how far i am. And how ive lived till now. Since beginning the longest clean streak ive had was 51 days. Otherwise i struggle to stay clean longer than a week.
How i long for the future that i envision where I will be able to achieve sobriety. It took me time, but I now have made it part of my conscious that this addiction is never going to leave me. Its part of me. What ive found though, particularly in my SAA group, is older guys who guide the new ones like me, that they have 5 years clean. And guys like Dov who has 14 years clean. Its these guys that are the inspiration for me. Its these guys that show me that its possible to actually break free from the bonds of Addiction. And live a life in the comfort of a Higher Power.

Thats my life in short. Now i'd like to add that Im actually REALLY glad for the path that ive taken. Theres been so many amazing moments. I truly trust Hashem knows what he's doing by putting me here, and allowing me to exist day to day. If i was him, id have destroyed me long ago. I dont feel like a worthy recipient of his generosity.

But thats why im not Him.
So thats me.

Thanks for the story.
You could become an older clean guy for umpteen years.
Are you angry at Him or accepting or both?
How the hell do you know what He gave you, or what you selfishly took?
I know I took it.
Hell, I grabbed the whole @#$%in' thing!
I snatched it and ran with it for 30 @#$%in' years!
I don't blame Him.
Even before SA, I didn't blame Him!
Besides the fact that it's probably untrue, what will it get you?
you gonna try to recover without Him? Despite of Him? Good @#$%in' luck with that.
Oh, I feel for you.
I feel for everyone.
I feel for myself.
I passed 90 days for the third time in a year.
Im at day 117 now....not really such a counter, but my feelings now are that I want it to end. [Sorry for this, but I just feel like............well, I didn't say it after all.]

In the end, good for you that you go to SA.
Good for you that youre in recovery stage.
And thanks for sharin'.

Work the steps for right now (that was for me too; perhaps especially for me).

b'hatzlachah

atzmos,
that's great that you have been able to finally open up. that just goes to show that you have indeed grown.
just a though about teshuva to cheer you up and give you hope. the chovos halevavos introduces the concept of teshuva in the following encouraging way.
Hashem created a world where it is not possible to keep all the mitzvohs without doing any aveiros, therefore he created the concept of teshuva into the world so that as a result of doing teshuva it will be as if you keep all the mitzvos.
(I haven't seen it in years and am writing from memory so i might be off)
when i saw that years ago it made me realize that i wasn't messed up for doing aveiros. It is part of the system. Hashem made the world that way.
The past is only a problem if we don't do teshuva.
We might have to deal with our addictions before we can properly do teshuva and it may take years. but just knowing that we can get there and that is what Hashem wants from us, can allow us to focus on moving forward and knowing that when the time comes, there IS a way to deal with the past.

Thanks for that great share Atzmosyosef! May you acheive sobriety and serenity one day at a time.

atzmosyosef wrote: I acted out with a girl after 2 and a half years in Yeshiva Gedolah. ( I stopped learning full time after 2 and a half years and im now studying secular studies).
It was one of three times Ive acted out with a girl in my life. It was the third and last time. It was the only time i wasnt drunk. The morning afterwards i felt like burying myself in a hole and dying. That was the only time in my life i actually felt like dying. It was the strongest conscience shock i have felt in my life. i took alot of inspiration from those words.its a perfect example of the yetzer harahs trick where he makes it look so good but in the end you see whats it realy is.

hi atzmos!!!

great first time opening up post!!!!

you sound like you really are taking things into order b"h,

may hashem continue helping you get a grip of yourself,

keep us posted and KOMT!!!!

Welcome! It seems like you are well on your way in recovery! keep it up!

Wow! Must've taken allot of courage to write that!
Kol hakovod!
Looking forward to seeing you lead sa meetings!

Don't be a stranger; you took a solid first step....now let's get to the second.

b'hatzlachah

MARK MY WORDS GYE FRIENDS!!

Sometime down the road ATMOSYOSEF is going to be one of the leading figures on here!!

The guy who's advice everyone keeps quoting,
The guy who the already members send the newcomers to, so that they can get the power jumpstart they need to zoom full speed ahead,
The guy to who we'll be sending guys who are "down after a fall" for the revving up they need to KEEP ON TRUCKIN'!!!

ATZMOSYOSEF - YOUR HEADED FOR THE BIG LEAGUES OF RECOVERY!!
GO FOR IT!!

shivisi wrote:


Shivisi, what you are saying may or may not be true, but aiming to be "one of the leading figures..." or heading for "the big leagues of recovery" is a recipe for failure.

Recovery is built on humility, honesty, and service to G-d and our fellow man (which are all actions of humility). The rest is in G-ds hands, and focusing on the stuff you mentioned can stifle recovery.

shivisi wrote:


Shivisi, what you are saying may or may not be true, but aiming to be "one of the leading figures..." or heading for "the big leagues of recovery" is a recipe for failure.

Recovery is built on humility, honesty, and service to G-d and our fellow man (which are all actions of humility). The rest is in G-ds hands, and focusing on the stuff you mentioned can stifle recovery.[/quote]

Shivisi Responds:

Although what YOU are saying may be true, but this is NOT the place to bring that up!!
I'm sorry to say GIBBOR You can't tell a guy who's trying to encourage someone else that He's causing the receiving party a problem with HUMILITY!!!
That would be like telling someone who is giving someone else honor, That he should not do that because "Kavod" is not a good thing for someone!! That's obviously rediculous!
And besides that, I NEVER said that he should AIM for that or FOCUS on that, I was making a point that with the way he is going H'ell get very far!!

Sorry....I agree with Gibbor on this.

Kavod is something we all need to stay away from and Gibbor is sayin' I think that it should not be used as a means of encouragement, for it is inherently false and misleading...kavod that it.

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:



So do you mean to say you will never give someone a big compliment because youre afraid of chas vesholem giving him kavod?????
I'm sorry but youre missing a very fundamental rule which was stressed y R' Yisrael salanter, Dont worry about causing OTHERS to have kavod!!

shivisi wrote:


I don't mean never, but in some situations it can be detrimental.