My dear brothers ,

I transcribe my message posted on the french forum I translated the internet (my English is still not enough good) hoping for returns including cases similar to mine.

After exchanging mail with GYE France monday, I sincerely thank him for his answer and decided to follow his advice me to write to the forum although it is very difficult for me to write and break a silence of nearly 25 years because I am ashamed of my situation so unique and feels terribly alone.

I am married for 10 years and I BH ' children.
The problem is that I am also especially attracted to men since my teens . I unfortunately had very young " gay " relationships to 16 years to a process teshuva to 23 years. Nobody in my family or friends anyone around me was aware . It is not only a problem of zera levatala but an "abomination" within the meaning of the texts.
Mainly through limoud I committed in any case that you want to stop and despite falling I managed BH ' to depart from increasing this problem because contrary to the values ​​of our Torah.
Questions tugging me , should I get married ? is what I will " get there with a woman ?" Is it not purely selfish and my wife does not she will suffer ? should I tell her?
During this teshuva I was to meet a Rabbi who is the only Jew to whom I mentioned my problem face to face until today . I only saw once in Israel. It is a messenger of H ' to transmit a message to me for sure!
The Rav told me that he understood me and assured me that I should get married, I would say strictly none of my family or friends and even more to my future wife " never ever " I I still remember " never under any circumstances ." I 've told him my doubts and questions: Rabbi reassured me and told me that I will get there with the help of H ' .

I followed his advice and got strengthened in the study and avodat H . got married a few years later. We now have several children. This is already a Ness Self. We are part of a kehila frum and are, at least my wife and I " apparently " .

Why talk about it here and especially now ?

I had more or less long period of cleanliness of several months or even years : the previous year and the first two years after my wedding and then I started to drop without passing the act under me almost immediately along with previous work . Then act with a fall "alone" ... but I fought and was reporting me ... then went to act with a man ...
But for some time (2 years) mainly because my phone ( iphone) and internet around us , even if we do not have TV , I fell repeatedly causes of the opportunities these tools with risks involved .

I fell more and more frequently and more bottom with the same "special " desires with men, and again last week when I reached the bottom and BH ' I said stop I gone too far too far .... and I 've deleted everything that allowed me to be in touch : but how long it will last ?

I just realize after all this time and through GYE it is an addictive behavior : the more satisfied our desire more desire increases.

I 'm sorry to spread my life and my problems, but I suffer terribly and I implore H ' to free me from this taavah I do not want anyone , not even my worst enemy. I have the feeling of being alone in this case .

I feel so dirty, filthy, ungrateful and guilty towards my wife who does not suspect anything and more importantly with respect to H ' which has given me so many blessings as I asked him a wife, children and I dreamed that I love, a place in my kehila a parnassa ...

I ask you once again pardon H .

KOL TOUV
Shimon

Welcome
You have come to the right place.
Many of us feel real guilty about the secret lives we have been keepin'....especially from our wives.
We all have our desires and fantasies and addictions.
One is not so different than the other.
Main thing probably is to get a direction...thru some sort of mentor and work thru some process, some action to lead you to recovery.

All the best.

kudos to you for writin' it all out.

b'hatzlachah to you

Hello Shimon and welcome!

You are definitely not alone here. I feel your pain and frustration very strongly since I struggle with the same thing. I am also married with kids, and although i have never acted out with another person, i have been strongly attracted to males since my early teens. I came here about 3 years ago and although it is still a constant battle against the desires and fantasies, I no longer constantly act out with p and m and life is so much better. And I have found a community of holy Yidden who accept me as I am and who I can call my real friends.

So join in, look through the site and you will find the tools that will work for you. Like Cordnoy said, lust is lust no matter what flavor and we're not that different from everyone else.

If you want to read my whole story it's here: https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Hatzlacha!

WELCOME! You are in a tough situation. We are here to let you know that you are not alone, and to support and encourage you. It sounds like you may need something more than than that. You would benefit from speaking to someone in person who will understand and not judge you. I don't know if it is the rabbi you mentioned or another rav, close friend or even an SA meeting (if you feel it has gotten to the point of an addiction and you have lost control).

I wish you the best. Please let us know how it is going.

gibbor120, Gevura Shebyesod, cordnoy and my brothers
I just had thanks to your advice and exchanges rav a therapist on the phone with you Barukh Hashem I turn the corner to recognize my problem.
He told me that I am not alone in this and that I absolutely must never tell my wife she could never understand. It already handles two cases similar to mine and it is possible to do something.
He agreed to follow me I have to call back later tonight.
Thank you to my friends.
Keep in touch.
Kol touv and Betslaha raba

That is great news!

Wow, thank you for sharing!

Welcome!!! Its great to have you here!

Welcome Shimon!

It's important to realize that there are (at least) two aspects to what is going on for you. The first is that you are attracted to males. The second is that you may be addicted to the high that you get when you act on the attraction. You probably can't help the attraction, but you can keep the addiction in check by carefully avoiding lust for men -- staring at them, fantasizing about them, looking at pictures, flirting, etc. These activities only fuel the addiction, as you have already noted.

Hatzlacha!

Alex

Hey Shimon!
You are to be commended for posting your problem. I can relate, as I have SSA too. When I first posted about myself, the care and warmth that was shown to me by other members here made such a difference. Always know that you're not alone! You have brothers and a Father (Hashem) who care so much about you. We're in a war together against the yetzer hara. There will be battles, some will be lost and some will be won.

I found that for me, it was very important to not watch (if you watch tv) any shows where being gay is made to seem normal. It puts an idea subtely into our minds that that type of thing can be normal. It's not! The hard part, is that we may know it's not normal, and yet we still feel the pull . . . This is a nisayon, and we gotta find ways to deal with it. Hatzlacha raba!