About two years ago, I entered the beautiful world of GYE and got heavily involved. I loved the people, the posts, the chizuk, the encouragement. I came on every night and posted, on my own threads and on others. I gave chizuk, and I got a ton of it back in return.

But, unfortunately, I did not better myself, and eventually I gave up on GYE (I don't even remember my old Username!). Now I'm back, because I'm still not better, and I desperately need to be.

A bit about me. I was horribly abused as a child - physically and emotionally, but not sexually (although I did have a couple of creeps who tried). I grew up in a world in which secrets and lying were the only way to survive, and I learned early on that I could trust in no one, the only one who could take care of me was me. Of course this was so wrong, the only way to survive is through honesty, and no one can take care of themselves without others and of course without the Ribbono Shel Olam.

My descent into sz"l started in seventh grade, and porn came in ninth. It's never stopped since, and I'm now in my thirties, a successful man in the community, and a father of four wonderful children, but a man who walks around each day feeling like a fraud. My wife became aware of my problem when I told her two years ago, and since then I have continued to work on the monster inside, but despite the therapies and the SA meetings, I'm still not where I need to be. Throughout my life, I've had clean streaks, some of them over a year, and recently for 278 days (which ended in Nov). But it hasn't worked fully, and I desperately need to put this behind me.

B"H, I'm married to an amazing woman who is so kind and loving despite my challenges, yet after my most recent fall, she called up a very prominent rav who gave her good hadracha, part of which is that I need a sponsor, I need meetings, and I need to get cleaned up. So here I am. Glad to be back, hopeful it will finally work, terrified that it won't.

I'm looking forward to meeting you in the coming days, weeks, and months, and may we trudge the road of happy destiny together!

welcome back lochaim!!!

many guys here have mentioned that gye helped them much more then any thing else they tried, of course not just posting on the site but learning here and then working the ideas, people that can relate and are going through the same things are very helpfull and being in touch with them should make things much smoother be"h,

so welcome back again and KOT,and KUTGW,

L"CHAIM

Lochaim wrote:


Welcome.

good move

Moving story

Just a few ground rules since you have last been here.

We do not "hope" it will work.
"Hope" leads to expectations, which leads to uneasiness, which leads to depression, which results in failure.
"Hope" also means nothin'!

We act; we do; we perform.

Secondly, we are not "terrified that it won't" work. That also leads to failure. We focus on the moment before us. That...with the help of God, we all can do.

b'hatzlachah

The Rav didn't say to come to GYE, he said to get a sponsor, to get therapy.



but I'll let you in on a secret. Your best friends are HERE!

Welcome Back!

It sounds like you are on the right track. They say "it works if you work it". You have been to meetings and therapy which is more than most of us have done. Those should benefit you more than this site. But, it's good to post and connect with people. We're glad you're here. keep updating us. It gives us chizzuk.

You are truly blessed to have a wonderful wife and Rav! You have had much success so far, and IY"H it will get even better!

I also was physically and emotionally abused, and a classmate in my secular junior high school once attempted to "make a move" on me, but I also was into masturbation and watching, reading, downloading and even writing porn for my own edicifaction until I got help here after encouragement from my Eshes Chayil and seeing a great therapist. You have reached the best place in the Torah observant world to deal with these issues. I would suggest a one day at a time approach rather than being upset about a fall.

Thanks for that great share, chaver (whatever your name is!...here all it says is 'Lochaim'?). Did you have a hard time finding a sponsor in the meetings, or keeping one, or was the sponsor thing OK? Not clear from your post if you ever had a sponsor...

It's OK. I am just asking. I know that I could never have gotten clean on a thing like GYE. I needed real people - but I had to make real relationships with them for it to be real and really work. You have certainly made strides, and have worked some steps, at least, no?

Is it OK for you to detail here or by PM where you were holding with the steps and which step you are in now? If not, I respect that. Just asking to get an idea of where things are for you and how it relates to my own experience in the program so far, that's all. Maybe I have something to share for you, maybe not.

Hatzlocha with whatever you need, sweet chaver!

What does chaver mean?

friend

Yup, it really does.

...chaver.

Awesome! Well Said! THanks!

Thank you all for welcoming me, and it is pretty clear that you guys are not going to go easy on me, (which is the right thing!). I like how you say I shouldn't talk about what I'm afraid of and what I hope for, but I should talk about what I'm going to do. It is also true that GYE is not going to do it on it's own. I need to go to SA meetings, and get a proper sponsor. As of right now, I go to one SA meeting a week (I miss about one or two a month), I don't have a sponsor YET (although I reached out through the GYE sponsor match program and the person I reached out to hasn't responded yet), although I am very motivated to get a good sponsor that I want to be in touch with daily. The SA meeting I go to now is not a very good one. We don't work the steps enough... so I'm will be starting that more with my sponsor. But I thank you all for welcoming be back!

And yes, Dov, you don't know my name, as of right now, I'm most comfortable with a nickname, Lochaim (as I'm a fighter, and I'll keep fighting this big bad Y"H till the end!)

Lochaim wrote:
GYE doesn't have a real sponsor program. You need to get a sponsor through SA. GYE is not SA, and the term "sponsor" here is used "very" loosely.

Lochaim wrote:
I guess I didn't ready carefully enough. I read LECHAIM! You might have more sucess with that name Instead of "fighting" all the time - Live some more and you won't have too much time for fighting - LECHAIM!

Keep taking steps in the right direction.

Gibbor,

I guess drunk minds think the same, for I read his name the same way.

L'chaim to all!

I thought it was "Lo Chaim", as in "Not Chaim" (fake name?), or "Not a life".

Whatever it means, Welcome!