thanks dms.
I think you are right. I am committed to growing and have been.
I think I am experiencing my first real bout with lust since I joined the site (I guess it was bound to happen)
For the first time,I actually have a desire to fall and not to stay clean. The ninety day chart passed through my mind and I said to myself "you have to make it. You can't fall so soon" (it may not sound like soon, but 27 days is not so long for me. a little maybe but I wasn't in schedule until today really. so i can't fall so soon after getting into schedule.)
but then my thought was weird. I look at slipping like an accident and falling more of an intentional thing (perhaps that it self is wrong) so I was hoping that I would slip and then it would be ok to fall. but now that i think about it, it's pretty stupid. A slip anyways doesn't reset your chart but a fall would so it wouldn't help me at all.
i know that it is not about the 90 days but that is helping me right now.
i am getting pretty down. I guess it is the first time that I need that drug that I was used to.
I might just keep posting away to get through this.

Wow. I am feeling better already. Took about an hour of reading forums, but I think I got this out of my system for now.
I think this is the first time that I had such a feeling and got passed it on my own, not just because I was distracted.
I can now put some thought into writing to think through what just happened to me.
As I was heading into this situation, I realized that this was a typical situation. Heading back to my office to catch up on some work when no one was there, I had this huge urge to just sit down in front of the computer and fall.
Such a feeling was pretty common for me although I hadn't had it for a while. Simply I haven't been in a normal schedule. Well here goes, I think I can identify some things that led this on (and have in the past, when I wouldn't even have tried to control myself.)
Now that pesach is over, I feel this need to catch up on my work, but am having a hard time focusing enough to do so. So the feeling has been building up for several days.
I went home to take care of some things and then fell asleep for two hours (I told myself i would rest for 20 minutes, I was very tired) upon waking up things were crazy in the house with the kids getting ready for bed time. My wife was pretty stressed and I had a hard time believing her that it wasn't my fault for sleeping when things had to get done in the house.
So I think the combination of being stressed out about back log in work, and my wife being tense adds up to a combination of low self worth and feeling disconnected to the world. these are two big causes in the addiction from what I saw. So there you go.
I was urgently looking for someone to chat with but no one was realy around and then I just read through random threads. that helped me distract myself from the stress and feel connected to something. helped for today (so far)
thanks to GYE for being there. This was probably my first big nisayon and I pulled through. Halfway through the experience i felt my eyes get teary. I think that was the moment of nitzachon, the subconscious realization that I am getting through something that I previously wouldn't have even thought to.

just an aside, I was wondering why I don't get too many comments on my thread. I feel like a baby writing this, but hey we're anonymous anyways. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting all day for someone to comment on something I said. Every time my Blackberry vibrates something inside of me is hoping that it is an email with another comment on my thread. It usually isn't.
I never realized how insecure I am (at least not for the last 8 years) I wonder to myself, is what I am writing annoying the chevra? Is it just stam silly raid that no one can relate to or that everyone thinks is just not relevant to them?
when i first started posting, I was getting alot of comments because i was writing things that people didn't agree with. they were telling me how I was approaching things wrong. It took me a while to internalize the messages and when I did, I focused my thoughts into this thread.
Either way, I just felt that i needed to get that off my chest. I am looking for a way to connect more with the forum like i did when I first started.

Sunday can be a slow day for comments.
I was on before in morning, and then, just now, got back on.

glad to hear that you willed your way out of it.

KOT!

Your postings are fine! Again, thats normal. I love when people comment on my forurm. Yay!!! Kavod, Kavod, Kavod. People are paying attention to me. People like me.......remember that we don't need anyone else's approval to feel good.

The Just Having Fun forum is a great time when I am depressed!

Lol, I get upset if I get fewer than 12 'thank you's on my posts. After all, I'm sooooooooo amazing. People should be falling over each other to thank me.......

In all seriousness, if you want feedback you're better off using your phone.

Yes I realize that it is a kavod issue and that is fine with me usually. I am not really lacking kavod in my real life. Perhaps too much. Today was different. Today I felt like I needed to be part of something, to feel a part of the GYE chevra. That what was helping me through my nisoyon and I was starting to feel sort of left out.
How can I call people when I am going through such a matzav? Is there like an emergency hotline or something? I guess that would've helped more than a babyish request for validation in the form of forum comments.

unanumun wrote:


Ask people for their numbers. Private message me if you live in the UK, I'm more than happy to chat with you on the phone.

Now THAT'S something I relate to!!

Self insecurity has been rearing it's ugly head in many places by me lately, it takes time, but acceptance is the key.

KOT!!! and KOP!!!

Wow.

You inspire me

Hatzlocha. Hashem is watching over you

I has an interesting thought today.
In middle of davening some immodest thoughts (to put it lightly) entered my head. Images that I had seen in the past on P* sites.
I started thinking that it is scary how all these images are permanently in my memory. Then I got the scary thought of coming up to the yeshiva shel maaleh and having to give an accounting for these images that have become part of my neshama. It was a pretty scary and embarrassing thought. Actually scary about the embarrassment that will be.
I thought that maybe Teshuva can help, but still they will be there. And then a thought came to me that gave me chizzuk:
We know that there is a concept of one's aveiros being turned to zechuyos,so I realized that if indeed my past falls in these areas can bring me to be stronger in avodas Hashem, if they can bring me closer to Hashem, then when I get up to Shamayim I will be able to say, "Yes, those were images that I shouldn't have looked at, but wait, when I was able to break fee and get myself away from the addiction (if it is- still not sure) look at all the good that came out of it. It is only because I reached so low that I was able to pick myself up so high."
I received chizuk from seeing how in the short time that I have been hanging out here, my avodas Hashem has grown, my self control in other areas has grown,
I have become more aware of my selfishness and can now work on it.
I received chizzuk because I thought of all the threads of people who grew so much through the recovery process, who grew so much from overcoming addiction, who learnt how to let Hashem run their lives.
I made a decision that I am going to turn all those pictures into portraits of gadlus.

Thanks for sharing such a beautiful thought. Thanks for helping all of us turn the shame of our past "images" into something we can actually be proud of.

Hatzlacha

MT

Just wanna say...

Read through your entire 'blog', unanumun. I can relate to so so much of everything you say. PARTICULARLY your last post, i think about that a lot!

Just letting you know - and coz we know you like to feel the kavod ;-).

S.

unanumun wrote:

Why would you be scared to share anything that is not twelve steps related? What is this? SA?