הודו לה' כי טוב
I officially reached the 90 day mark. (I think the chazan in my minyan might have known - They didn't say tachnun today for some reason, although there are never a shortage of reasons by that chevra. hmmmm.)(so for the occasion here is an extra long post to make up for the time I saved by not saying והוא רחום)

It is an amazing experience. I looked back at some of the things that I wrote in the first few days that I was here. what can I say, I came a long way.
I see that concepts that are part of my thinking were once new to me (a short 90 days ago) like the concept of being addicted to lust and not sex, marriage is not a cure, I am not alone, and many more.
I see that I wrote to someone at some point "perhaps falling into the porn thing has become a way for me to deal with the masturbation thing that I never really got closure with even though i hadn't seen porn for ten years and had a realy wonderful marriage " Indeed, while I hadn't always suffered from porn, I never got over Masturbating, and now I have been clean for 90 days. Not only that I came to realize what was really behind my porn and masturbating problems and understand that they were both results of the same thing - things that have been going on way before I identified them as problems.
I have leaned to approach sex in marriage differently. (Indeed my actions are now more in sync with what I had learned when I first got married and slowly forgot about them)My relationship with my wife has grown so much stronger (I couldn't even imagine that it was possible, but once I learned to be less selfish, new plateaus were discovered) In fact although this is far from my first child, the relationship after birth has far outdone any previous experiences. I have come to respect and love my wife more than ever and the lack of physical relationship after the baby has not (yet) affected our relationship. Learning to be more concerned for her and her needs, has allowed her to recuperate from birth in a much more relaxed way than before.
I have finally been able to move forward in my avodas Hashem. The heavy weight that has been on my conscience for all these years has started to lift. I can get past השיבנו ...והחזירינו בתשובה and מחל לנו כי פשענו and think about other areas of avodas Hashem that I need to work on. I have seen that I can get this under some sort of control and have started to think about doing the same for controlling my mouth and start to work on shmiras halashon (getting there)and other areas. Learning self control is a feeling of finding freedom. (אני עבדך בן אמתך פיתחת למוסרי - דהיינו על ידי העבדות נפתח המוסירות)
And also of course shmiras eynayim has returned to its place on the radar and have jumped back up to previous levels long forgotten about. as long as i was sucumbing to porn, I guess subconsciously I felt it was a joke to be makpid on shmiras eynayim.
I also found that at one point i wrote "I think just being aware has made the difference in prevention. not browsing so much any more. i have a fear of youtube now and any news site that has proven to be a trigger in the past. also i think i have become terrified of unifltered internet " that has become even more true on the one hand but in a certain sense my fear of youtube and other triggers have helped me deal with unfiltered internet on the rear occasion that it comes up. I am more vigilant so the threat is less.
I have gotten back into learning every day and even over the last week I have started getting back to mishnayos baal peh, an old hobby of mine. In fact for the first time in ages, my mindy wandered on its own to the mishnayos this morning. Perhaps the biggest sign of where i have come to in the last 90 days.
I would like to thank everybody here, the chatters, the posters, the emailers, the silent observers, and those that disappeared on us over the last 90 days (any word on Dov by the way). (and even the one phone call that i actually brought myself to make despite the poor experience that it was - no one's fault)
thank you for opening a window into your own personal lives so others can learn from you.
thank YOu for your wonderful and often challenging advice
Thank you for asking for advice so i was able to think through things as I gave the advice.
Thank you for being there to help me through the tough times.
Thank you for being there to share with me the good times.
Thank you for being there period. (many times that was enough- just knowing you guys are there)
and a special thank you to Pidaini who reached out through a chat to bring me into the oilam.
And thank you to the Ribono Shel Oilam for guiding me on the way out of the darkness.

What now? I do not think I am cured. I do think that I have the tools to continue on. I also think the tools will help me in many other areas in life.
My next short term goal is to make it to the first after birth mikva day clean.
my big goal is to make it to 120- not days, years.

Congratulations and thanks for the beautiful share. You sound very good. And for good reason. May all your goals be met with Siyata Dishmaya.

Hatzlacha

MT

What now? KOL! Keep on living! Keep on growing! Keep moving on BUT DONT FORGET! As you said, this is not curable. So you still have to be on GUARD ()

But drive yourself nuts, Mazel tov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank You for sharing!!

KUTGW!!!

Keep on growing, slowly, one baby step at a time, with no expectations!!

Yasher Koach! What an inspiring post. I hope to join you on the 90 day board in 12 weeks, give or take.

bezrat,
I'll save you a seat

My dear friend Unanumun:
I actually was toying with the idea of commenting on each part of your beautiful and extremely encouraging quote.
BUT after considering the fact that that would make a post at least twice as long as yours, (because it would include everything in your post PLUS my additions], I decided to be "yotzeh" with a comment on one thing (close to) the beginning of your post, and one thing at the end.

So here goes:

unanumun wrote:


Chazal teach us that:
דרש רבי יהודה: לעתיד לבא מביאו הקב"ה ליצר הרע ושוחטו בפני הצדיקים ובפני הרשעים. צדיקים נדמה להם כהר גבוה, ורשעים נדמה להם כחוט השערה. הללו בוכין והללו בוכין, צדיקים בוכין ואומרים היאך יכולנו לכבוש הר גבוה כזה? ורשעים בוכין ואומרים היאך לא יכולנו לכבוש את חוט השערה הזה

The Tzadikim look back and say WOW! look and this HUGE mountain which we conquered, [how much debt do we owe to Hashem, for we know that without His help we could NEVER have done it],
And the Reshaim say, it seems now to us a such a trivial thing thing [in comparison to the awesomely great result which we now see that we could have gained].
You, Unanumun, in your post, used BOTH of these outlooks in a positive way.
You looked at your accomplishment as coming "a long way" and as a Tzadik does, you opened your thread with "הדו לה' כי טוב" realizing that we owe everything to Hashem,
And [maybe along the lines of "מאויבי תחכמני", learning wisdom even from the ways of the "other side"] you now recognize it as "A short 90 days", in light of the great positive change which you now see it accomplished, which gives us encouragement to keep it up and go on for more and more of the same.

unanumun wrote:


In summary of Avraham Avinu's life, the Posuk says: "ואברהם זקן "בא בימים - We learn 2 things from this posuk: 1 - That Avrohom's years were full because he made every single day count, and 2 - That the ONLY way to reach a full life is by...

Yup you guessed it -

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!

So my brochoh to you, Unanumun, is: May you be zoche to 120 Years X 1 Day!

[ps - Looking back, Imagine how many Vehu Rachums I would have had to miss if I had commented on everything you wrote.
I once heard an advice on how to give a successful speech - Make sure you have a Great opening, and a Great ending, and -
Keep those two as close together as possible!!]

Mazel tov again on the big Nine Oh, Oownanoowmin! !!!!
You r a real inspiration to me.
I relate to your observation and growth on shmiras einayim. After years of being careful, I slowly slacked off. Yetzer said I should feel silly not glancing, since I do so much worse.. Now it's clear to me that you gotta fight on all fronts, and in a way, shmiras einayim is the front lines. And I believe that getting control of my eyes set the tone for my recovery.
May you be zoche to fully live each individual moment of your 120!!

yeah- thanks una- thanks for chatting- and for the post- keep in touch.
lavi

what a funny thing happened today. I was getting down that i was falling behind in work because of the baby (and reading GYE forums ) my wife started giving me chizzuk and said look at what a great year you are having, you are learning more, accomplishing more at work, quitting smoking, starting to watch my weight and take care of my health and basically went through most of my list that i wrote earlier,
i was thinking in my head, "Hey you forgot the biggest accomplishment no porn and masturbating for over three months" but i guess some things are best left not said

unanumun

recent topics works well ( i should have been able to figure that out ) I am like 8 days clean and feeling good bout it . Noticed last nite I am really aware when i am lusting . Today i noticed all the spots on my monitor and cleaned the screen that use to be a turn on for me . At this point i don't even want to see porn is discussing . I have sites in folders but i am praying that it well be so terrible to me that I won't want to see it . Feel like i have to stop it at the very beginning .

OHh i guess women don't feel the same way about prn @mast that men do . Good job unanumun hope I can make my 90 days with out a fall only way i can is prayer can't do it my self Got to go cut grass

ewards

what many of us do on this site is to determine if a particular method or insight would work for us, or perhaps relate our experiences in the matter, for ultimately, no two people and no two struggles are alike.

For me, to have sites and folders on my computer, and to rely thru prayer and hope that i will find these sites so disgustin' I won't visit them again, would be nothin' short of suicide. My history regardin' this exact thing bears witness to that.

What we find disgustin' when we are on a high or in recovery mode....that same filth is the most enjoyable when we are in the throes of lust....this is an insight I just recently learned first hand.....it still haunts me from three weeks ago.

b'hatzlachah to you

I agree with cordnoy, that to have those sites in folders and hope that the disgust that you may feel now will stay with you is taking a huge gamble where the odds are not in our favor! I have K9, and accountability software, and I'm still worried about finding ways around them. Hatzlacha raba, but I would HIGHLY suggest you delete those files ASAP. Words of advice from a worried brother.

So things have been doing very well. Much better than in previous episodes of after birth separation. I have been focusing on living my life and doing whatever i can to help my wife in the recovery process. Lust has not been much of an issue baruch Hashem
Until early this morning. I has a weird incident. I found my self in the act of falling. wasn't really sure how i got there,but I had all these weird svoros going through my mind. Things like "it is not for lust but for other reasons" (not sure what that meant) It did cross my mind that I will have to get off the wall of 90+ achievements.but that didn't seem to help.
and then just the acting out was finished....I woke up. i was quite relieved that I didn't have to count it as a fall. But it the experience really shook me up. It seemed so real.
I was trying to think of what I looked at yesterday and whether I had experienced lusting but I didn't really think of anything very triggering. SO I guess it was just stam a dream, and a good wakeup call to keep working on shmiras eynayim.
But all in all quite weird.