This is my first post,
It took a long time before i mustered the courage to finally post this. I have SSA. This is very different, as others have posted, than being gay, which I am not. It means that I struggle with a different nisayon than other people. More to follow.

WELCOME! You are not alone. MAZAL TOV on your first post. Keep on posting. There are others that have the same problem as you and I'm sure they will chime in soon.

Welcome to GYE!!!!!

Check out Skep's tips. They have really helped me.

Could you tell us a little more about yourself?

Hi Shomer, welcome aboard. You are definitely not alone here, I too struggle with the same thing. It also took me a while to work up the nerve to post my story but it's the best thing I ever did!

Wow, that takes a lot of courage to admit. Thanks for being so honest. I'm not sure I understand, but I'm not judging you.

Thanks for all of the support. I recently had a double fall, so the feeling that others are in similar situations are also working on this, has helped me a lot.

My story, in short, is that when I was 9, I stayed by my cousins for a month and shared a room with my 13 year old cousin. Every night he made me lie with him and he'd mb, and other things. In hind sight, this sexual abuse may have put into my mind at a young age the false craziness that this activity isn't such a bad thing. I realized then that it wasn't something that made me happy, but I figured how bad could it be. At the time, I put it out of my mind. Or so I thought. Then around 9th grade I began to MB. At first I felt unclean by the activity, but the chemical release was so amazing that I had to continue, just one more time. After all, I could "always stop whenever I wanted to". As everyone here knows, that's pure baloney. It then got worse when I discovered what the web had to offer, even back then. It seems that it's more acceptable for men, even in frum circles, to walk and dress without proper tznius. Therefore, since this was what I saw easily, I started wanting to be like that person, physically. It led to then looking at inappropriate images of men exercising, with the rational that I could then visualize what I would work towards. Eventually, that then led to worse pictures and videos. It was a vicious cycle that only got worse and worse as time when on. Of course, came yomim noraim I'de be klapping and promising to never . . . but then i was back at it again. I began my journey to real teshuva when I saw someone on GYE. At first I was sceptical at it's worth. But, over time I came to realize that amazing wealth of knowledge that's available here to help people in all sorts of situations who are working toward a common goal.

The most beneficial tool that I have is a strong filter, with accountability software that sends a list of URL's to someone. So, that helps tremendously for the internet when I use my laptop. But, my main issue these days, are the images and fantasies that play out in my head. They pop up when I'm alone in my room, going to sleep, bathroom, etc. I've tried various ideas suggested, but what I find to be really hard, is when the temptation arises in the heat of the moment, to actually remember all the ideas. Sometimes, I simply forget. This is in no way an excuse, just the fact. And then there are times that I remember, but it can be so hard to resist just one fantasy. . .

It seems, that like life, this is a journey. It may not be short or easy. There will be ups and there will be downs. The main point is to keep your head up and keep moving forward. Hashem loves us all, and we need to show Him that we love Him to and are working to constantly come closer to Him.

Took courage to open up!
You are strong!
Realize this: One victory makes the next battle that much easier.
For 30 plus years, almost every time I would go to bed, I would fantasize.
With steady work, this has come to a screeching halt.

b'hatzlachah

just had a big fall. didnt come to zera levatala, but for the first time in a few months i looked at porn and fantasy stories. i dont know what came over me. one second i was fighting and winning the yetzer hara, the next i'm down in the filth. i feel like a total zero now. i know, in my head, that this is the yetzer hara continuing his fight by not letting me get up to fight him. but its still so hard to feel my worth. please help me! i know based off other posts i've read, that my big part of SSA is the lack of feeling of worth and whether i have friends who care about me. on GYE, i see that i have worth, and that there are those who not only care about me, but struggle with similar issues. i think i'll go now and learn some halacha, and then figure out ways to not fall again. wow, its amazing what posting here can do! i already feel better, and i know that the struggle will not end magically at once. its my nisayon, and i've got to keep moving forward! with Hashem's help, I KNOW I CAN!!! YISGABER K'ARI!!

I like how your post went from how you felt to how you should feel. You went months without looking at p and other triggers. That is fantastic!

Stop and think what might have led you to fall, and what you can do to make sure don't next time and keep on growing!

Congrats on what you have done.

Yes, falls can happen really fast. Don't worry about it. Just get up, dust yourself off, and KOT!