Something a little unusual happened to me this morning which I would like to share here.

My life changed after confronting powerlessness over lust.

B'H, I have not acted out for 29 days and I really feel a whole lot of positive rewiring is happening for me. A lot through the chevra at GYE and through HaShem's guidance.

Every morning I get up early, go to shul and then do a workout; either run, walk or go to the gym. This morning I found it hard to get going and spent some intimate time with my wife - something we never do mid-week and in the morning. I ended up davening at home and skipping the gym. However, I felt really good about it as it was an indication that my marriage is being rekindled after such a long time of feeling emotionally absent because of acting out.

In the brocho of 'Hashiveinu' I always think of everyone in GYE and anyone else afflicted with our addiction and ask HaShem to help us all and repair our neshomos. After davening b'yehidus this morning, I had the following thought: for us married men, we are hopefully seeking to harness our sexual energy in the right way and be present when we are with our wives. Sexuality is a powerful gift from Ha'Shem that is given to us because we are b'tzelem elokim. HaShem created the world and we have the unbelievable power to create life.

For us, this positive life force went astray and deviated from where and how it should be. When we act out (I think for most of us, irrespective of our 'drug of choice')we are excessively wasting this life force. We are pushing it out of our bodies and away from our neshomos. Ideally, we seek to use this life force appropriately and not to entirely suppress it as that is how we are fundamentally designed and created. So it follows then that when we leave this incredible power inside us for most of the time, that our bodies, our intellect, our spiritual dimension comes more alive. We take this energy, this life force and turn it positively towards ourselves. We can feel again, we can think clearly and without shame again, we can be present in our relationships and we can remove the contradiction between what HaShem has planned for us and how we act.

I don't mean to get all religious here and I accept I'm only a bit into the program, but I feel more alive than I have for a long time......

A brocha to you all for recovery. May we all have wonderful relationships with our wives, may those who need a shidduch find the right one soon and for those not yet 'in the parsha', may you find closeness to HaShem even from just dealing with the difficult issue of lust.

yours in recovery.....

Moshe

I LOVE IT! Keep it up Moishe! I've been feeling the same thing and I've been clean about 45 days. I feel more alive, although I've had to go through some severe pain. That pain is subsiding, though, slowly but surely. I've been putting more and more of my energy into my wife.

Thanks for sharing that Moish!!

YES!! I too feel much more in touch with reality, being able to appreciate real life. Being able to sit with my kids and really laugh with them, and mean it. To be able to look into their eyes without wanting to look away. To be able to see the wonders of life, to notice things that I never would have noticed when I lived in my head.....

It's awesome!!

and still....sometimes I find myself wanting to go back into my head...insanity!!!

Moshe,

I don't mean to bust your bubble, but.....

First, I will say that congrats on the bein' clean and sober and doin' some good and honest thinkin'.

However, I do not think your attitude is a proper one. We are not tryin' to harness our sexual energy and to use it for our wife. The work here is: whenever a lustful thought or desire enters our head, it should be squashed....we cannot even allow ourselves to lust after our wives. That is a dangerous place to be.

When we are intimate with our wives, it is what it is. There should be pleasure, but the focus should be on one's wife. What does she want? How can I please her? It should not be about me or me.

Perhaps I am not explainin' myself well, but give it a little thought.

b'hatzlachah

Cordnoy

I'm not sure we are saying anything different as I didn't say we are trying to harness our sexual energy and use it for our wife. I said

For us married men, we are hopefully seeking to harness our sexual energy in the right way and be present when we are with our wives.

I understand that we can't allow ourselves any lustful thoughts - even towards our wives. I was trying to articulate what is the outcome we are looking for and I believe ultimately it is that we want a healthy, pleasurable sexual relationship with our wives expressed as part of a loving relationship based on a Torah lifestyle.

kol tuv

What I think cordnoy is taking issue with is your choice of words. "trying to harness our sexual energy and use it for our wife" implies that there is sexual energy that must to be released.

That is not true. Our wives are not there to be an outlet for our sexual tensions. For an addict, viewing them that way can be very harmful.

Perhaps that is what you "meant", but it's not what you "said".

Thanks for your comment. However, if you look carefully at what I wrote you'll see that I didn't say we use it for our wives. I said we should use our sexual energy in the right way andbe present when we are with our wives.

Objectifying your wife does not sound to me like much of a recovery, so in essence I agree with you.

Shalom u'v'racha.

Moshe

gibbor120 wrote:


Shivisi responds:
One of the more experienced members here recently said to me, after I said that I have a greater struggle with masturbation during nidda times, "Anyone who feels that way, is showing that the sex with his wife is a substitute to masturbation, so, what he essentially is doing is, not having marital union with his wife, but rather he is "mastubating in her!!"

Scary!!! But there's much truth in it.

the sex with his wife is a substitute to masturbation, so, what he essentially is doing is, not having marital union with his wife, but rather he is "mastubating in her!!"

Maybe the masturbation is substitute for sex with the wife? I'm not sure that it is the other way around for everyone - though there is a feeling of diminishing the marital relationship if a man masturbates excessively when his wife is a nidda - a separate issue from what ever feelings he has about zera l'vetala and obsessions/addictions.

"I said we should use our sexual energy in the right way andbe present when we are with our wives"

What is objectionable at all about the above comment? Physical intimacy is part and parcel of the obligations that are set forth in the Ksuvah, the Talmud and are expanded on in great detail by Chazal and Rishonim, two( Ramban abd Raavad) wrote the equivalent of practical manuals called Igeres HaKodesh and Baalei HaNefesh.

I don't think there is an arguement here, just some semantics. I was just making sure you did not mean that sexual pressure builds up in you, and your wife is some sort of release valve for that pressure.

I think we're on the same page.

Yes..............

I think so.

Moshe Avenue wrote:


Shivisi Responds:

The masturbation COULD NOT BE a substitute for sex with the wife, unless it accomplished the same thing.
And thus, as gibbor120 pointed out (which is what I had originally open-quoted) "That is not true. Our wives are not there to be an outlet for our sexual tensions!".
Yet, obviously, that is what our masturbation is intended for.

Thus, if the masturbation was to be a substitute for sex with the wife, that would show that the sex with the wife was also nothing more than "masturbating in her", as I quoted.

i am not really getting it there is for sure some kind of merit to sex as to keeping us from doing things we shouldnt thats why the gemarah says we need to respect our wives because they are preventing us from sinning so there is for sure some thing about sex that should help us keeping clean. no? let me know why and if i'm wrong

on the other hand i do understand that using our wives to feed the addiction can be a problem but i think we need to figure out some kind of balance between the two.

if anyone has some clear explanation please share it

dd wrote:


Shivisi responds:

DD: You do have a point there in quoting that Gemara, this definitely needs some clarification.

I just looked up that Gemara (Yevamos 63A-63B) and noted that Rashi there explains that the sin which our wives save us from is "hirhur aveira", not masturbation.

That brings us the clarification, and we can again say that sex with wife and masturbation DO NOT accomplish the same thing, unless the sex with wife is also a form of masturbation.

Thank you DD for bringing that up.