Sure. The balei batim section of the forum is for just that.

What does balei batim mean in English and where can I find the balei batim section of the forums? Gracias.

Baalei Batim - Homeowners, referring to married men.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum

For some reason I can't seem to get onto the BB Forum

Have you no one more qualified to speak with than a group of well-meaning, virtual people who are just about as lost as you are? Sorry but I do not recall if you wrote yet about what therapy/work you have done/not done, either by yourself or as a couple, so far.

The forum is great and I love it and I would never suggest you or anyone leave. Communication and expressing feelings is always a great thing. But seriously, for a thing as delicate and important as my sobriety and my marriage, I would personally use tools that are a lot more solid, proven, and well...real. The forum may be a great place to start to get one's head screwed on straight, to calm the inner maelstrom of drama in their lives a bit, and to learn about some great tools for lots of people. But with a thing and precious and important as my sobriety/addiction/recovery/marriage, I would eventually seek a lot more help than this milieu can provide.

I am not saying 'you aught to think of it the way I do', but just sharing what works for me.

Dov wrote:
Hey dov, maybe you should add that disclaimer to your signature. It may save you a lot of grief .

gibbor120 wrote:


Thanks for the advice. It's always been the truth, though.

As Tolkien's Gandalf said (in the book): "The treacherous are ever distrustful." People know what Maslow said, too, along the same lines: "The man who only has a hammer in his tool chest, sees every problem as a nail." I am sure that at least some of the time, it is a reflection on the reader's approach. The ones that are focused on teaching information and 'telling' rather than on sharing their own personal experience naturally see what others write as exactly that and may feel threatened by it.

Yeah, I have bad days, feel on edge at times, and post without the proper serenity then. But the guys who are 'tellers' are usually the ones who see what others write as 'telling'.

If the disclaimer would really work, I'd do it all the time - but I doubt it really does. If you really think it would, I'll trust you and use it, though...

Thanks amigo

Earlier in this thread, I complained about the Hebrew/Yiddish being spoken. There's no doubt that makes it harder for me to understand some posts, but I can easily look up the words on the internet, so it's not such a big deal that I made it out to be.

Just to review: I'm a baal teshuva living in a very frum neighborhood and I complained about the neighborhood in addition to the Hebrew/Yiddish in the forums. I'm starting to realize that I have prejudices inside myself and just don't feel so comfortable around some frummies, especially Ashkenazim (I'm Ashkenazi). I relate much better to secular Jews who are returning to Judaism or are BT with a modern style. I also don't think I'll ever change. I'm hoping it will be different for my daughter since she's going to a very frum yeshiva and has friends that are also FFBs.

I grew up in a very secular home and in a neighborhood that was mostly not Jewish. I went to Hebrew school (and learned esentially nothing) until I was Bar Mitzvah and had a big celebration. Sadly, I didn't know what the point of Bar Mitzvah was. I remember one of my mothers friends saying that Bar/Bas Mitzvah means you can start dating!

The point is that I didn't really learn anything about Judaism or was around anything or anyone you can call observant until I was almost 30 years old. Even since then, almost my entire "orthodox" experience has been at outreach organizations or Chabad. I even belonged to a very frum shul that was made up of overwhelmingly BTs. I feel uncomfortable (intimidated maybe) when I see men in shul with the Shabbos uniform: black suit, black hat, tzitzis hanging out. When I see a man wearing a streimel or dressed like Amish, I just can't relate at all. I really don't think I can ever change that aspect of myself. I'm just beginning to explore these feelings, so I'll report back again at some point.

We think the same of our addiction.
We/I lived with porn for over 30 years; thought I'd never change.

Similar? Different?
Perhaps....just sayin'.

Wishin' you success in all your endeavors

There are BTs on this site who can be characterized as "BT with a modern style" and who are MO with great respect for the best elements of the modern and Charedi worlds, and who both reject and utterly unimpressed with the extremes , urban mythes and stereotypes that one can find in both worlds.

It sounds like a self-esteem issue IMO. You're pinning it on the BT /FFB scenario but I think if it wasn't that it would be something else.

I get it too. I'm an FFB who spent a few years in yeshiva. Now I'm a working man and I feel inferior and intimated by friends of mine who are still in yeshiva/kolel.

That's my issue. It's really got nothing to do with how well I really think I'm doing, or how I think Hashem or my friends see me, but much more to do with how I see myself. Is there any reason for me to feel guilty that I can't learn 12 hours a day? I'm trying to earn a living here! My feelings of inferiority is really nothing do with my religion.

Dr Watson wrote:

"I get it too. I'm an FFB who spent a few years in yeshiva. Now I'm a working man and I feel inferior and intimated by friends of mine who are still in yeshiva/kolel"

Look at it this way-look at quality, not quantity-if you spend all of your spare time learning, no matter what the subject, that is what counts.I think that it is said that a person who is learning as much as in his free time is learning more than someone in yeshiva and kollel who isn't maximizinh his time in Limud HaTorah.

I want to share this with everyone. It's from Aish.com.

2 Iyar:

It is better to go to the house of a mourner than to the house of feasting (Ecclesiastes 7:2).

Progress and achievement in life come from identifying the challenges of reality and dealing with them effectively. Anything that constitutes an escape from reality is destructive, because an escape from reality is actually an escape from life itself.
The house of feasting which Solomon criticizes is literally "a house of drinking." In his era, like modern times, the participants at some social gatherings put themselves into an alcoholic stupor, talked senselessly, and made believe that the world was free of stresses and problems. Such "feasting" constituted an escape from reality and contributed nothing to the betterment of the participants.
The house of the mourner is a solemn place, which confronts people with the reality of their own mortality. There we recognize, at least momentarily, that our stay on earth has a limit, and that so many of the things that we spend our lives to attain are left behind when we die. Our only permanent acquisitions are our spiritual achievements, such as our good deeds and our positive effects on others. The house of the mourner actually brings us to an enhanced appreciation of reality.
Is it more pleasant to go to the house of the mourner? Of course not. It is "better," however, because it can contribute to our betterment.


Today I shall ...
...
try to avoid activities that provide an escape from reality and realize that growth consists only of dealing with reality.

On the other hand see the Gemara in Kesubos 8b where the custom was to ply the mourner with lots of wine. Rashi there references the verse in Mishlei 31 "Give strong drink to the one who is perishing and wine to those of bitter soul."

The Gemara says that originally they would drink 10 cups, then they increased it to 14 but the sages saw that people were getting too drunk so they went back to 10. So it seems that there is some place for using wine escaping pain but only within controlled limits.

(Perhaps we can even say that the "house of mourning" and the "house of feasting" in the original verse are actually the same house, but in one the drinking is controlled and in the other it is not.)