Today was day 50! My own personal Matan Torah (I should be zoche to such). I can't believe I have gotten this far! Never happened before. Is this getting over the hump to the 90 days?
I know that I shouldn't be looking so far in advance, and should be taking it 1 day, i hour, 1 minute at a time. But as much as I realize this and understand that this is true, I still have a little problem with this. When I quit, and when sober cold turkey, I decided that that was it, no more. I realize that this could make trouble, because it may skew everything, but I have realized that what I was doing was poisoning my body. I remember talking to my therapist about this. I express my difficulty in accepting that my goal was to never look and p* or m* again, I tried comparing it to never eating chocolate again, and she answered me, "What if you knew that eating chocolate ever again would kill you?". Obviously you'd never eat it again! So the same is with acting out... We just have to realize what we are truly doing to ourselves. I realize I am rambling and probably making no sense, but for now its working for me... So I'll keep davening and "trying to work on myself" and I'll keep you guys posted.

Thanks for sharing!

Just one question, what's gonna be after 90 days? What are you going to look forward to after that?

and whatever that may be, then why the emphasis on the 90 days to begin with?

and whatever the answer is going to be for that, then why not use that to stay clean just for today?

KUTGW!!! KOMT!!!

Day 59!! Almost two months sober! You know I never liked to use the word sober, preferring "clean". One session with my therapist I mentioned this and asked her what her opinion was on this. If I remember correctly, she said that clean just means I haven't acted out, slipped or fallen. Sober, however, means that I am living my life in a way that is beneficial to the quality of life that I am aiming for. Its more than just not doing something wrong/bad, its being proactive in shaping my future to what I want and what G-d wants. Just a thought that popped into my head and I thought I'd share with you guys and see what your thoughts are. Anyone else afraid to use the word sober?

I have felt that before, not because I am scared but because I don't think that my entire clean time was sober time.

Sober to me is like a perfect life, where I don't get nervous about anything, where I don't get up tight, where I just go with life wherever life takes me. Now that I'm writing this I don't think that is the true meaning. We all have challenges, and if we deal with them correctly then we are sober. It doesn't mean that everything slides happily as if there were no bumps at all!!

Thank You for bringing that out

webster says sober is "not drunk". It would seem that in our language 'not acting out' would qualify for that term, but truthfully this is not so if the addiction is to lust than one would have to be not lusting to fit into this definition of sober.
There are other definitions there ayin sham.

Some of us (I) have a hard time saying that we are sober because it reminds us that we are addicts. Your therapist's way of putting it helps to view our whole situation in the light of the positive impact that working on it has on our whole way of living in general. Thanks.

"Some of us (I) have a hard time saying that we are sober because it reminds us that we are addicts."

So true! One of the hardest things in the beginning and still today is using that word. And even now, I still don't think I truly am, even though my problem interrupted my life in a major way. (One of the symptoms of addiction). Even my therapist agrees with me, but I have realized a very valuable lesson, now as I am typing and this flowing, call me an addict, an substance abuser, a guy with hyper hormones or a call me a yeshiva guy, working guy, whatever. Its just a label. As long as we (I) realize that there is a problem that very much needs addressing and fixing, and we are doing all that we can to do so, who cares what we are or were called. We are Yidden working on ourselves, to make our lives better, to make things better for our future, our families and those that care about us.
I am not an addict, I am a work in progress, and when my Father up there decides he wants me back after 120, I will be able to say, "I won!" and I am a son deserving of his Father's love.
(Sorry if none of this makes any sense, once it starts to flow I don't want it to stop.)

tryingtoworkonmyself wrote:
Hashem loves us whether we are "deserving" or not. Don't worry about "deserving" his love. Feel His love, and love him back. Humbly serve Him to the best of your ability, and don't worry about "deserving" anything. Hashem gives us all much more than we "deserve" and that's ok.

maybe eilu v'eilu...
by virtue of being His sons we are deserving

I once heard a nice shtickel that relates to this:

The Mesillas Yesharim explains that Hashem created the world in order to give to us, because He is a Tov U'Meitiv. The "prize" that He wants to give us is olam haba, and deveikus BaHashem, which is the greatest possible pleasure that a neshama can experience. The reason we have to be sent to this world is so that we can do mitzvos and "earn" our olam haba, so it should not be נהמא דכיסופא, "bread of embarassment," i.e. getting a freebie is shameful.

But the big question is, how does shuckeling a lulav, and eating matzah, and wearing tzitzis, etc. (oh yeah, and keeping our eyes, minds, and privates clean ) constitute "earning" the infinite pleasure of being נהנה מזיו השכינה? The effort exerted does not even come close to the magnitude of the "prize"!?!?

The answer I heard was that by doing mitzvos and following the instructions, it's not that we "worked hard enough to deserve the reward." Rather, by following G-d's instructions, we are solidifying our father-son relationship with Him. It is shameful to take a freebie from a stranger, but it is not shameful to receive help from your loving Father, who you have a relationship with. It's expected and natural that your Father gives you goodies, even if you didn't "earn" it! But we have to keep that relationship alive, so it is does not feel like we are getting goodies from our estranged Father.

Does that make sense?

Love it! Thanks!

I just tried posting my response and it seems to not have worked. But the gist of it was that yes, it is so much more rewarding to know that you deserve His love and kindness, rather than know He only loves me because I am His son. Of course Hashem loves each and everyone of His creations, but some extra brownie points never hurt anyone.

(Day 66, and I'm trucking along!)

Day 72!! (4xchai) who'd have thunk it? gotta keep on pushing forward, one day at a time, every minute on its own... let this yom tov of redemption be a redemption for all of us from all our stumbling blocks. Let's continue to grow and get to Shavuos on the 50th level (or whatever level we're holding at )

GEVALDIG!!

lets focus on the one day at a time just like the sefirah

gut moed!!!

Hi , I'm here to say thank you:)

I follow your topic with a lot of attention (it's the first time i say that),

Keep posting ,you give me strength.