I am nearly 30 and I am a big hypocrite. I have advised people to look at this website and quit porn. I claim to hold conservative values, but my life is total mess. There is a huge difference of the values that I profess to others and how lowly I live my life.
I come from a very loving, healthy and clean family. I use to be very innocent until I met a girl who was a wreck. She drank a lot, and engaged in sexual sins (nymphomaniac, perversions, fetish) that are so horrible to describe, so unimaginable that I cannot possibly tell them to you. If I told you, you would probably think I made up this story. I helped her to gain a normal sense of sexuality again, and she became a fine young lady. In the course of this process, however, I became exposed to a world of truly unimaginable filth. It ruined my life. We are no longer together, and I wish i had never met her. I wish I had never had these experiences.
My life has improved vastly since then and I can go easily without porn for weeks on end, but not acting out is difficult. After acting out, I hate myself, because I want to live the values that I claim to have i.e. I want to marry, be a good husband, be a role model, be a good father. I want to experience mature (non-sexual) intimacy and tenderness, I long to feel loved. (Knowing that Hashem loves me is consoling, but I am also ashamed that I act like an animal in his presence).

I am curiously optimistic about being able to overcome this, because I have overcome other big challenges. May be I am just delusional?
I draw a lot of strength in looking at this through religious eyes: acting out as idolatry, acting out as killing life.

I had until recently a girlfriend that I had hoped to marry, but she has broken up with me. She has issues of her own: she says i tick all her boxed, but her issues make her afraid to commit. She does not know anything about this acting out, but i realize that this addiction has affected this relationship. A minute wasted on filth is a minute not spend on her well-being. I am heartbroken, have spent many days in bed crying, screaming to Hashem to help me, and pray to Hashem that she will come back to me.

I hope this site can keep reminding me not to get off the derech. I hope and pray that you all will be cured from this addiction.

Can anyone recommend tehillim for a broken heart?

welcome Improve!!!

Welcome to GYE!! It's great that you are looking for outside help, it's the first step!!

One Day at a Time!!! We can't change the past, we can barely affect the future, the only thing we have in our control is what we have in the present, let's take it on!!

Whether or not we will be cured is not for us to spend time on, it doesn't really make much a difference, the only thing that counts is "what do I need to do now?" and if that's to keep sober without being cured, then that's great!!

There is certainly a way out!! You can enjoy life!!

Start your engines and start truckin' strong!!!!

Keep On Posting (KOP)!!!!!!!!!

HI! Welcome to GYE! Its about time you showed your face (hehe jokes)!

I have also had some weird sexual experiences, perhaps not like yours but still. I know how it feels but you gotta somehow find a way to move on. There in the past, we did them, what can we do now about it?

I also find that porn really isn't my forte but rather just acting out especially by making up stories in my head about girls.

I highly recommend Skep's tips. They have been incredibly useful to me.

Its great to have you!

Welcome

Sounds like you got a lot goin' on.

Like Pidaini says: Don't focus so much on the future (certainly with mere "hope"), and don't fret about the past. Many of our pasts are stuff out of a horror film, and we don't wanna go there.

Let's live today!

b'hatzlachah

perek 51 is good for a start (hafoch ba v'hafoch ba d'kola ba including much of the 12 steps) among many others
but don't let that sidetrack you from focusing on the issues and taking action

I agree with cordnoy-take one day at a time, and don't focus either on the past or the future. Revisiting the past and thinking about the future won't help you.

thank you all for your kind comments.

no urges, but on wednesday i drank a dangerous amount of whiskey. i often go months on end without alcohol and don't really like the taste, but on wednesday i felt so low. i had been struggling with negative thoughts all day, in the evening i took a bath for 2 hours. i was just crying, sobbing, trying to find some prayer, some text to lift my spirit up, but nothing really helped. i felt so utterly alone and unloved, just miserable and full of self-loathing. i woke up the next morning with horrible hangover. I than noticed that i had puked during the night next to my bed. i had a faint recollection of smoke coming from my laptop charger. now that i was awake i realized that i had actually puked over my charger was indeed fried . So i have now no access to the laptop until i buy a new charger. Annoying since a charger is expensive. should i interpret the broken charger as a sign? may be.
still feel incredibly depressed. i get some temporary relief from reading and praying, and in the company of others i put on a happy face. i feel, however, shabby. not happy with not being married, not having children, a past that i cannot seem to escape, feeling unloved despite Hashem's love and that of my family,

trying to stay optimistic

Improve - Sounds like you are going through a super hard time. Do you have anyone you are close with that you can talk to? There are also many on this site that might be able to talk or email with you when you hit a low, before you do something you might regret.

Keep on trucking!

hi improve!!!

your story sounds not great to put it mild i think you should really reach out to someone you can talk to this is not sounding like you can deal with it on your own.

looking forward to hearing more from you

kol tuv!

Improve,

Sounds like you need someone real to talk to.

Rav, phone conference, therapist, friend, someone here....

It should be b'hatzlachah

Thanks for posting! We are hear for you if you want to chat. I would suggest as the others have: talk to someone close, someone who will understand you. Even someone on GYE, a lot of the guys here i am sure have similar experiences.

thank you for your kind messages.

today i was just lying in the bath tub again for hours; crying my heart out. i miss this woman so badly. i wanted to marry her, was dreaming of children. i have been writing a dozen pages about what she means to me and what i would like to have with her... i send one letter,... 3 female friends told me that they would instantly marry a man who wrote them such a loving, sweet letter. she ignored it completely....
i have been meeting family, but i don t want to bother them. I am already the loser of the family, since i am neither engaged or married, nor am able to hold down a job.
i have been feeling really cold, indifferent to anything sexual. i just want a comforting hug from a real person. porn and the people just disgust me. whilst reflecting how i got exposed to porn, i remembered that when i was 13 or 14 an older boy brought a magazine to school. i then started to make elaborate plans to buy this magazine. i saved up money from lunch. i went to a store that was poorly frequented. They sold it to me without a question. the thought that someone would sell a young teen such a magazine makes me really angry.

A relative emailed me today asking to be the sandak (as well as legal guardian) for his yet to be born son. I cannot really decline that, but the thought of actually fulfilling that role just tears my heart apart. how am i to care of something so precious, if i can t take care of myself.

you have posted three times, and I do not believe you mentioned if you are seeing any professionals.
several people on site have suggested that.
you now will have people say
1. don't spend so much time in the bathtub
2. stop writing letters to her (she has issues, and she said good bye)
3. talk to someone real, who perhaps, can get you to focus on the upside

we don't know you, but that's what will jump out at some of us...especially to an amateur like me....ive been around the block several times, but no degree, and a peckel of my own stuff

b'hatzlachah

No, I am not seeing any professionals. I used to some years ago, and after the first session, the therapist said I was fine. I went a few more times, but I didn't think it was useful. I was doing really well at that time.

And I am sure, I will come out of this. I have come out of situations that are much worse. I am not pessimist about life in general, but I am overly sensitive when it comes to relations, and I don't just move on easily when it comes to a broken heart. I have always wanted to have children and be married, more than other guys my age presumably…to have failed is just so painful.

And I am sorry if I am pouring my heart out here….I didn't mean anyone to be worried.

I'm a hypocrite too, I have a natural charm that makes girls get attached to me, also by just giving them a little attention, but once they seem to get attached to me i run away scared lol haha. I act like i like them while in reality I'm sddicted to lust and they feel like they are liked, man its not even funny, I neeed to be punished for this.