I failed again this morning but I did notice I haven't looked at porn in well over a week and really haven't had the urge to either. So while I can't keep from lusting I have been able to keep from porn.

so look at the possitive thing that you havent looked at porn.
Let me ask you, what makes you have teh urge of acting out?

StartingOver hi!!
you sound like your on the right track its a gr8 start (for startingover)remember it takes alot of time to overcome something we did for years but with lots of effort you will grow and recover day by day hang in there !!!!!
keep up the good work !!!
keep your spirits high !!!

Well I usually act out in before I go to bed, when I wake up or when I'm in the shower. I find that when I wake up or when I am starting to fall a sleep or even when I am sleeping I tend to relax and my guard is naturally lowered and I act out. In the shower, I guess its because I know I'm all alone, which is ample position to masturbate.

I also think I conditioned myself to do it in the morning and at night. When I lost my morning erections, I tried to masturbate myself to get them again. And before I went to bed was a natural time to masturbate. Etc, etc.

Today I saw my shrink and was discussing some of the things I read in the Sexual Anonymous book. Trying to figure out my resentments. We talked about how I resented having ED, how I resented women as a whole, how I resented G-d, how I resented myself. We discussed my how I felt G-d is behind my ED and why or why he isn't? Also how my negative thoughts could be contributing to my ED and how I have to challenge them.

So I failed last night again. Thankful I am porn free for over a week but not lust free.

It started with a fantasy I often have - where I made an investment and struck it rich. Usually the next thing that happens it I imagine all the women I would have but for some reason last night I had an SSA fantasy instead.

Long story short, I struggled, I fought, I tried to surrender to G-d…but in the end I knew I'd be struggling all night, going back and forth, masturbating, stoping, trying to surrender, yelling at G-d, trying to sleep, trying not to go back to the fantasy, etc…eventually I just said screw and lets be done with it so I masturbated. It ended the torment but at the same time I couldn't fall a sleep after words :-(

So things have been up and down. While I haven't been counting, I am at least 2 weeks free of porn. However, self lusting is still a problem. Was was in isolation most of shabbas and very bored and I masturbated twice.

I starting to think that my ED issues might be separate from my lusting issues. I going to have a talk with my therapist about it. I'm also trying to get at the root cause of me often fantasizing as the woman while masturbation. I've already written down a few reason as to why. I speak to my therapist tomorrow, should be an interesting conversation.

I did successfully surrender my lust today to G-d while in the shower. That was awesome! :-)

So I came up with a few things that I discussed with my therapist.

One of the things I figured out is one of the reasons why I fantasize as a woman when masturbating. And that is because…what do women not have to worry about when having sex? GETTING AN ERECTION! As I have a difficult time doing so….you get the point.

It's great that you're talking to someone about it!!

Are you finding the struggle easier? Is the therapist helping you?

I'm just asking because you write "One of the things I figured out....". I know from myself, and it says it in the Big Book as well, that figuring myself out didn't help me. The desires were just as strong, and I was acting out all the same.

Stop thinking about your erection (or lack thereof)!!

When you need it, it will work - if you quit obsessing over it.

The more you think about that part of your body, the harder it will be to control yourself.

The harder it is to control yourself, the more you will continue to overwork it.

Get a life and live it!

B'ezras Hashem, when the time comes and you'll get married, things will work just fine.

Pidaini wrote:


I do find that my struggle is getting some what easier…or at least not as crazy. I've been without porn for at least 3 weeks. I am still masturbating though but hopefully I will get control over that soon too.

I thinking "figuring things out" will help me in my long term road to sobriety. Might not be immediate but it will help, IMHO.

skeptical wrote:


I know for a fact I over indulged in masturbation due to my lack of erection, in some crazy attempt to regain my erection.

I agree I have to Let Go and Let God when it comes to my erection but its easier said than done.

I've been trying to think about why I use masturbation and fantasy to escape. In all honestly, I don't have that bad of a life but I guess I don't appreciate it. I guess I have unfulfilled fantasies of how my life was suppose to be instead of how it is. I think I need to appreciate the life G-d has given with me...

Appreciate it, and make sure you tell Him that as well.
(written to me as well)

b'hatzlachah

Hi Starting Over!!!

Are you starting over? I see it has been a long time since you posted last. How are thing going? Stay in touch!!!