Hello GYE community,

I am a 35-year-old BT. I’ve been religious for a little more than 5 years. However, I've been struggling with Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED or otherwise known as sexual anorexia) since I was 19 years. My lust addiction started in my teens when I spent countless hours downloading pornography using my AOL dial up.

My addiction is to the dopamine, and to the escape, that is created through masturbating. Even when I went without porn for over a year, while I was in yeshiva, I couldn’t keep myself from masturbating. Even when I was secular I realized I was addicted to orgasm but didn’t know where to turn and therapy didn’t help much.

Two years ago, after some intense davening during Smichas Torah I implored G-d that enough is enough, I’ve suffered long enough; that night I found out about PIED on a news site and started to research it from there. I’ve been struggling to stop ever since.

I used to masturbate to every time I woke up, then in the shower, multiple times when I got home from work and before I’d go to bed. I’m doing much better now. Now I am able to go, on average, two days clean before succumbing to my lust.

I have K-9 on my computer, but nothing on my cell phone, which is where I now get my fix. Interesting enough, I’ve been able to refrain from using my IPAD to view porn even though I don’t have a filter.

Because of my PIED, I missed out on lot of relationships with women while I was secular, which is even now very frustrating. It is also the main reason why I am not married yet. I’ve been dating but I believe I haven’t been successful finding the right one because of HaShem (and I) wants me to over come my lust addiction and PIED before I get married and rightfully so. I’ve stop dating and am determined to overcome this by going 90 days clean before dating again. My best streak was 54 days but my yezter hara found away to create such intense dopamine withdrawal craving that I caved.

Watching porn has warped my brain’s normal sexual thinking. Though I don’t have same sex attraction, when I do masturbate, I often think about being the woman in the scenario. I think this is because watching porn the woman is always the focus and always seems to be enjoying it the most, while the man is just a tool and shows no enjoyment.

I also have the added problems of being ADHD and Tourettes Syndrome. I do take medication and it helps. I do see a sex therapist (one not on the list). I have a very hard time learning Torah and therefor a hard time retaining the information I’ve learned to be able to meditate on it when I need to (ie: when I start lusting).

I’ve questioned my faith in G-d because of this addiction which is one of the reasons why I’ve turned to GYE’s because it brings G-d into this struggle where G-d has been mostly absent in my struggle. Many times, I’ve called out to G-d begging to help me only to succumb a short time later.

I read the GYE Handbook, which was helpful. I’ve also been reading God of Our Understanding by Rabbi Taub, which is for Jewish addicts. And of course Tanya, which seems to be have written for me.

What I am hoping to get from GYE is guidance as to how to move forward to beat this addiction; learn from others who have beaten this addiction; see if anyone has had similar experiences as me; and hopefully to find G-d in all of this (because I can’t find Him alone).

Starting Over

Welcome StartingOver! You are in a tough situation. It seems you are already getting professional help, but it doesn't seem to be helping enough. Feel free to share your struggles, your failures, and your triumphs with us. We are here for you.

Wishing you all the best,

gibbor

Hi Starting Over,

I am relatively new here. Started posting only about 1 month ago and really only started on this journey of recovery about 6 months ago. It has been a tough journey. I've written about my story in other posts here.

I also have started over many times, but Baruch Hashem am finally making real progress now.

If I can give you a tip? Get filters on all your devices. And if the device cannot have a filter then get rid of it. I used to have an iPad, but couldn't get a filter onto it so I got rid of it. My computer has the K9 filter, and the password/email details are out of my reach. And my cell phone doesn't have internet access on it. I was actually looking a few months ago at getting a new smart phone with internet access and then I said to myself, "Are you crazy? You're going to give up fighting this addiction just so you can have a fancy phone?" and so didn't get one.

If I have access to unfiltered internet within my reach I would never be able to make any progress getting rid of this addiction. Filters are key!

And if I can give you one more tip: we believe in you! There are lots of guys on this forum who have all had similar struggles to you, and many who have successfully fought their addictions. Browse through and read the posts. It really is an amazing and holy community here.

Remain positive and keep posting!

Thanks for the replies. All feedback is helpful. I'm haven't a tough time with it tonight. So far I've been able to stay away from looking at porn but can't keep myself from fantasies and acting out. Its 11pm and I've been in bed for a half hour fighting myself.

Thanks to the guys who were online last night who helped me out. I was able to go to sleep urge free but I woke up with urges and failed in the shower. Still I'm happy I fought the whole way through…hopefully the next time I'll fight and win.

Belated welcome dear StartingOver!!!

In essence that username could be used for all of us, every day. We are constantly sarting over, starting a new day, turning over a new leaf, making new starts over and over again!

Have you tried pinpointing your triggers that make you have the urge? Do the urges come when you're nicea nd relaxed about life, or do they only come when you are nervoud about something? Do seeing certain things turn you on (association)?

If you can find some triggers, it may help you because then you can work on removing those and thereby deminishing the urges a great deal.

KOP!!

KOMT!!

Hi

I am also new here.
All I can say is that delaying is essential. By delaying, you have done your bit. Leave the rest to Hashem.
Do you say the special prayer "Hamapil" before going to sleep? This is a prayer for pure thoughts. This always helps me.
Filters are obvious. No excuses, no compromise. We have to give everything to Hashem.

Thinking of you

Imperfection

I got a sponsor through GYE. I spoke to him the first time on Friday. He advised me on a few things. Like buying the white book, which is the big book but for sexual addiction. Its suppose to be delivered today or tomorrow. I look forward to reading it.

After 4 days clean, I failed last night and this morning. I fought last night but G-d didn't take the lust away. I remember that after, I felt so "normal". Like urges I was just feeling were never there. The tension was gone. Then I started to think about why I had such tension to begin with and then the tension started coming back.

4 days is very good. Just keep on going.

Just don't forget, acting out does not release ant tension. It just makes it worse. The more you do it, the painful it will be to stop. So stop NOW!!

Don't give up. Hashem does not give up on you. Keep on davening. The turning point will come. Just for our point of you, the only important thing is to stop NOW!

Thinking of you

This morning I did some lusting but I didn't orgasm. I stopped myself before that but edging isn't helpful either so I count this as a day lost.

However, I was imagining some women I believe I could have slept with had I not been held back by my PIED. Fantasying about it made me feel like "the man". Which is what prompt me to write this post.

It is such a strong feeling of "me" that there is no room for G-d. Maybe one of the reason G-d gave me PIED is, if I actually lusted with the women in the way I fantasize about doing so, I would have felt so much like "the man" there would never have been room for Him.

However, even without the women, the lusting by myself there still is no room for G-d apparently either.

How am I suppose to get the highs I get from lusting by abstaining?

Thoughts?

Failed again this morning. But I didn't really feel to bad about it. I have to vices right now. Masturbation (with occasional porn) and over sleeping. Both are forms of escapism. Not sure how to beat either right now because both make me feel so damn good.

StartingOver wrote:
How can an alcoholic get drunk without drinking?

Answer:
Recovery is not about getting high without the pesky "side effects". Recovery is about not "needing" the high any more. We have something better. Real life. We gain serenity and happiness and don't need the escape of a "high" any more. Scary - no? Relax it can be done. Oh, and don't forget to .

StartingOver thanks for your honesty, hope you get all the support
I know exactly what you going thru as Im on a 4 days streak now and feels like im about to fell, but think on how much time and energy you have put on this and you will feel great without the release need.
Have a great Shabbos and look forward on speaking with you soon

Mike

Last night and this morning was an epic struggle. I continued to play with myself, my fantasize often merging into thinking how it would be the woman with me. I eventually overcame, which is the first time I've done that in a long time.