Hello all, I've put off doing this, but I feel if I want this to be serious I need to start posting.

I'm sure you've heard everything I'm about to post, and I hope you don't take offense, but please bear with me.

I've been struggling with this issue since before my bar mitzvah. I have stopped multiple times, at one point for half a year, but ultimately fell back into it. Until March this year I would "give in" around 10 times a week. Since then I have "fully" given in about 10 times; I feel that that's a major accomplishment. However, I have aroused myself multiple time and pleasured myself to the point of almost ejaculating.

The most recent case of that was when my wife was going to the mikvah and I was getting excited, and then, I started to look at material and almost gave in; I only needed to wait a couple of hours. I have since gotten a filter, but I realized enough is enough.

I'll admit that I am very angry. I have been coming to this site reluctantly. I don't want to be here, but I keep coming because deep down I know that I don't have a choice. If the yetzer hara gets me through the anonymity of the internet, then the refuah will come the same way; fight fire with fire. But every time I come here I feel like every shred of my self-worth is being torn apart. I don't want to think of myself as an addict, and honestly I'm not sure if I am (I have heard conflicting things from people who know me well).

I have agreed to talk with one of my rebbeim once a week about my struggle as well as every time I have a fall. And while I love my Rebbe for all he has done for me, at the same time, I hate him. I hate it that I have to come to him and admit that I'm a piece of garbage, while he can never relate to this.

I hate everyone who is trying to help me. It feels so patronizing to be pitied; none of these people have got a clue.

And this next realization was a hard one for me to accept, but I need to say it; I hate Hashem for this. I know I should appreciate all that He has done for me, but I feel that He made a test that was too hard for me. Didn't Chazal daven to take away the ta'ava for Avoda Zara because it was too much? Why hasn't Hashem helped me more with this? How many Yom Kippurs have I davened for help, and I really have tried. I hate Him whenever I read on this site that the best I can accomplish is to be an addict in recovery; never truly free. How can it be that something so hard to do, something that no generation has ever have to deal with (even by Ba'al Peor, the B'nei Yisroel had to go to the prostitutes' tents, they didn't walk in to the B'nei Yisroel's tents), how can He allow us to wallow in such filth and not help us? And how can we be held so responsible if it's so hard. It feels that I cry out and He doesn't answer. And it feels that even if I "conquer" it, I'll never truly be free, not like my Rebbeim or those precious few who never gave in to begin with.

And with all that, I know I only have myself to blame. I feel I could accomplish so much more and have restricted myself from levels of Kedusha because of this. And for this I hate myself.

I don't know if I'm an addict, but I do know that I need help. And it's not just my Shemiras Eynayim; I need a new outlook to begin with.

Hi WHC and welcome! Mazal Tov on opening up! You have taken quite an important first step. You are struggling with this nisayon, and you are struggling with acceptance. It's hard to imagine now, but many people, through recovery, come out better than if they never had a problem in the first place.

It sounds like you may benefit from anonymous phone conferences. Either way, stick around. Keep sharing. Many people have recovered who were way worse off than you, and now lead happy lives.

You are among friends who understand exactly what you are going through. We are here for you.

Welcome WHC. Thanks for being so open.

I can relate to the feeling that you don't belong here. "You're not really that bad, you just need a little help."

Take it slowly. Don't overload yourself with all the "figuring out stuff" yet (am I addicted? what can I do about it?...). Just keep posting, you'll start to feel more comfortable. And you'll realize that you don't belong here because you are the same as everyone here, but because everyone here can understand you. And that will help you.

Hatzlacha

Just got here myself, and i am also having a hard time with it. But you really hit the issue in the same way that i am. these are two points that i am also struggling with. am i really an addict and that i have a lot of resentment to hashem.

Hello WHC, you will find lots of friends and advice here.

Every first step is difficult.

The first post if very hard, just becoming an member of GYE is hard. There are over 100 viewing now with only a few members. Yes, it takes a commitment. The real issue as Dov explained last night at the Israeli GYE convention is:-

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO STOP

If Chassidus or Musar help great, but if not and you really want to stop then you have to join gye, sa and participate in the 12 step approach.

Don't be angry just thank Hashem for this opportunity to grow and recover

Smile and have a great day

TG

Welcome aboard!
There are all types of "addicts" here, and the name is not important to many.
I have wallowed in this hell pit for over 30 years, and a commitment, together with this chevra and wonderful site has put me on a mehalech...a journey of 200 days so far, and iy"H, 2,000 more.
Let me try with one point of your post.
We have also invited the prostitutes in.
We dress her up.
We cloak her.
We tell our wives and Rabbeim that she will be in our pocket, for we are conducting business.
We tell our chavrusos and friends that the Torah permitted the taking of a "pilegesh."
We tell ourselves that "she" is not so bad; it is part of the times.

And with regard to your main point...those that know me (and there are many on this site who do now) know that I am not the "God-preaching" kinda guy, but the next time you begin surfin' or lookin' where you shouldn't be, try this for ten seconds: Say: God, I have tried in the past (and try sayin' that honestly, for perhaps it's the truth...it was never for me) to shoot this @#$%er in the knee, but I failed miserably; this time, God, can You take care of it?" See what happens. I don't know what will occur...nobody here does, but what will it hurt to try?

b'hatzlachah

Thanks all for encouraging words. I need to learn to accept that what I've done is wrong and that I can change. I need to realize that while I truly only have myself to blame, the same time, Hashem will personally assist me on the journey, even if I don't deserve it.

I'm not there yet, though. But I'm not throwing in the towel yet. Please bear with me while I work it out.

And this is why I do enjoy coming here, because you guys really do understand what I'm going through, and it doesn't feel patronizing. You've been there/are still there. And maybe, even as I struggle, even if I'm not 100% successful yet, maybe it's still worth something after all.

Now that's a much better attitude...and sir, keep in mind, you are not the only one here strugglin'...as I'm writin' words of chizuk, I am strugglin' myself.

b'hatzlachah to all of us!

Late Welcome to you WhenHeIsClose!!!

WOW!!! I can really relate to everything you write, (except the word "hate", it's a little too strong for me, but) I was certainly upset at Hashem, upset at myself, felt like trash, the whole works.

This is the best thing you've done, we are all in the same boat, and it's a fun filled one, with experience over the top!!! Together we are, and together we do this!!!

You are worth everything, you are a good guy, and a guy who is learning about himself, it's a big advantage and not something that many people ever arrive to do.

Addict or not, I personally don't think it's a difference, as long as you're trucking along and doing everything you could do and need to do!!!!

SO stick around, make yourself at home!!!

and please, Post up a storm!!!

welcome WHIC , this may have been the biggest step you took since this all started by opening up . i too felt that i dont belong here (since on the outside im really looked up at) but its really not true this is where u can really become the great and happy person who want to be. forget about if you are or not a addict im not sure about myself but why does that matter we want to get better and this site really helps.

remember that the yetzer harah is the one who want us to feel like garbage and hate yourself but really you are not at all so join the crew and youll learn a great deal of thing that might change you for ever be"h

KUTGW and CHAZAK be'SIMCHA

Short thread, but a lot of good insights.

maybe it's a good thin' GYE made it that i have 623 new replies.
They say they're gonna fix it, but meanwhile, let's chop 'em down!