There. I said it.

To make a very long story very short. I'm Baaack. At a young age my older brothers would "hide" this material around the house. This was forty years ago! Ever since then I have been plagued with the unholy quest. When the internet came along --- well, need I say more?

I do believe that my nisayon is tailor made for me. There are no mistakes. I was created to overcome. And today I have.

But this Nisayon is not my real problem. It is a symptom of my larger problem. That problem is failing with the holy opportunities. When I Daven, I have a profound opportunity to connect. But I repel the opportunity and just recite words. With "spare" time I have holy work to do. But I immediately fall into negative habits. My whole life, save for committed times, becomes one failure. One missed opportunity after another.

It stops today. And you are going to help me! You already have, just by being here.

A gutte voch with much success in your growth to all of you.

Lemanchem

Welcome
Back!??
Were you here before?
You sound confident; that's good.
what are you planning on doing?
Did you struggle with this constantly for forty years?
Married?
What does your wife say?

b'hatzlachah

A gut voch and welcome (back?) to GYE!

We're looking forward to getting to know you better.

Hatzlacha!

Thank you Cordnoy & Skeptical.

I have been here before. About two years ago. Had my ups and downs - mostly downs. I am divorced. The forty year struggle is this seemingly constant voice in the back of my head suggesting or urging (depending upon the day) that I take up the unholy quest. I haven't been constantly mired in shmutz. By day I am a mild mannered reporter. I am a functioning addict. I have "broken free" for a few weeks here a month there. But I still convince myself I'm not an addict! There's an addict for you.

My wife said "goodbye". More due to larger issues of which this addiction is a symptom. But the addiction certainly did not help.

Lemanchem

Ok; so welcome back then.

What did you try then?

why didn't it work?

what will you try differently this time around?

b'hatzlachah

Right now I am emerging from the abyss. For weeks I had been needing my daily fix, then I needed it even when I didn't need it. Totally numbed to my reality. Finally, I broke through my stubbornness and returned here. Just looking at the page helped me. Thinking of a name helped me. And registering helped me.

I am just trying to get back to sanity right now. But thinking of a plan, or committing to a plan is a good idea. Ask me in a couple of days.

Lemanchem

What's your plan of action?

see above.

Sorry. I began posting my reply and then left the computer for a bit and pressed submit when I got back, which was apparently after you and cordnoy had already posted.

Sometimes to get started, you just need to make a commitment. Don't wait for the right moment. Just decide right now that you are giving up the "right" to indulge, no matter what opportunity arises and no matter what kind of tempting thoughts you get.

Then you can come up with a plan.

Welcome Back!

Thank you Gibbor, and yes, Skeptical. I have committed to end this quest. In the past, I have contemplated coming here, but in my mind, I was not ready to give up. So,that much I have done.

This morning, my usual thought (really, a very subtle and quiet one - the most dangerous ones) came to mind to just "browse". But instead I came here.

Lemanchem

Welcome!!!!

It's great that you are here!!!

You've made a great step by coming back!!!!

can you just help me understand one thing

למענכם wrote:


yet you write afterwards

למענכם wrote:


So my question is, if you believe it is tailored just for you, how can it be unholy?

Now I can totally understand that you are not happy with it, I wasn't either for quite a long time. But why the need to bring in holy and not holy? I found that I hated being controlled by something, and not only something, but something that was telling me that it was a part of ME!!!!!!

I am human, it is the way Hashem made me. My job is to do what Hashem wants from me NOW, in my present situation. I cannot change the past anymore, and that is not what Hashem wants me to do, He wants me to serve Him with my past.

It's One Day at a Time, no yesterday, no tomorrow. What does Hashem want from me the way he made me Today?

What can you do Today that can help you in the future? Have you opened up to anyone? Filters?

KOT!!! KOMT!!!

and stick around, KOP(osting)!!!!!!!!!!!

The unholy quest that I refer to is the seeking after shmutz. That seeking is unholy, and yes, the unholy is there for a purpose as well. For us to overcome it. I cannot say that an aveira was Hashem's will - by definition it is a violation of His will. But at the same time, the Nisayon is His will. I hope that clarifies. I am hesitant to go with filters. Because then my questing YH will be constantly looking for ways around it. I live in world with the internet.

I can change the past, through Teshuvah. But I must acknowledge my shortcomings and realize that they too are part of who I am, and part of what I must change.

Lemanchem

Welcome back and good luck - I also had the same issue with filters - It drove me in the past to places I wouldnt otherwise go that were not good!!
Keep strong day by day!!!