Pidaini wrote:

thanks, i still am in shock

dd wrote:



I so don't feel like celebrating right now but thanks anyway

Welcome back.
Sorry about the fall.
We're still here.
Time to get back on the tricycle.

Hi Kilo,

I am sorry to hear about your fall - it happens to the best of us (including me, of course ). In fact, I know someone who told me they were clean 18 years and then fell. You can only imagine how he felt when it happened. Let's face it, this lust thing is an ugly parsha, period.

And falling after thinking you've beat this thing has got to be one of the bitterest experiences one can go through. But the bottom line is: Don't Despair! Despair is the YH wanting to convince you that you're worthless, incurable, a zero - Don't listen! Keep fighting!

When we fall again after a long time, it’s not easy to pick ourselves up. But the challenge of such a moment is to show Hashem (and ourselves) how important it is that we win this war. If life were a stroll in the park without any spiritual potholes to fall into, our unwavering commitment to Hashem could never be proven. It's only when we've taken a big hit, are down for the count, and still get up to fight this thing, that we're able to demonstrate our true love for Hashem!

As the famous quote goes: "Sometimes you have to lose the battle, to win the war. If you believe strongly in something, fight for it. In time, things will fall into place."

Much hatzlacha!

Welcome Back kilochalu

Just here to tell you I will have yo in mind in my Tefillos, and we are all here for you.

kilo - now have an entirely new nisayon. Before you had to learn the ropes. Work a good program. You had your routine. You showed your sincere intentions, you did your hishtadlus and Hashem flew your sail.

Now you fell.

How you gonna handle it buddy? You know how to do it. over 500days!! you could write a book. you are our model of achievement. Now its different though. The nisayon is to work through the pain and go on to succeed. I'd venture to guess that this time around you are going to have way more of a geshmak than you had last time.

ya just gotta get over the hump.

Please go out and inspire us in this new way.

Hey kilo,

I didn't read all the posts till now only your first two so if i'm repeating what others are saying i apologize.
it seems that you've been through a lot because of this, dare i say too much. Give yourself some room to breathe. I cant imagine the amount of shame, depression and anxiety you've gotten over this. And with all that "baggage"you still expect to get better? ha! We can only begin to recover when we begin to heal ourselves! The amount of days clean or unclean is only the symptom. just like the porn itself. As they say in recovery porn isn't the problem... its the solution. just like when we have strep and we get fever we try to heal the illness behind it and we don't just look at a 98.5 body temp as the sign of health or otherwise, why are we looking at days clean or unclean as that either? how much have you worked on your self esteem? anxiety? have you been sleeping normally? eating normally? filling your day with rewarding activities? YOU GOTTA MAKE LIFE WORK IN ORDER FOR IT TO WORK FOR YOU.
your putting yourself through too much. chill. people have taivos. are yours going to far, probably, but that doesn't mean you need to beat yourself up the way you do for every little thing, your gonna drive yourself mad. the end goal is to be a healthy functioning human being... how much closer are you to that goal since you've tried to quit porn?
am i totally off the mark?

mr.clean wrote:


1)2)working on those with the first few of the 12 steps specifically the 4th and 5th have gotten me to the 500 days with Hashem's help
3) definitely not
4) a little too much (maybe cuz the anxieties are not 100% gone)
5) definitely, maybe too full

thanks everyone for all of the chizuk, it really means alot to me

t'chazek
v'tischazek

I'm sorry to hear about your fall. Kudos for being so open about it. You are in a much better place now than you were 500 days ago. IY"H, you will grow from this.

kilochalu wrote:


"Nothin' is good or bad, but thinkin' makes it so."

cordnoy-
that was a very long time ago when i thought, I haven't had time for that in a long time

kilochalu wrote:


Assumin' that you are proud of that......