I don't know where to start from, the whole story would fill up a book at least, and it is terribly hard for me even to write one line but I know that if I don't do this I will never forgive myself the next time I fall and that will inevitably occur sooner or later if I just sit back complacently and think that this time was for sure the last as I've done several dozen times in the past. The past few months I've been around gye reading some of the material and getting alot of chizuk from the forums but after a fall on rosh chodesh elul and another some time at the end of tishrei I realize that this alone will not do the trick. My story in a nutshell is over 20 years of masturbating starting with books that my mother took out from the library, going on to yeshiva involving another bochur, then onto getting a hold of books and magazines, spending hours at internet cafes in EY, and finally after speaking to a Rebbi who sent me to therapy and sa meetings which kept me clean for 2 and 1/2 years, still over the last several years renting a laptop here and there and falling again and again

even with the clean streaks i never got over or anywhere near over the lusting and even now when i feel pretty strong/sure of myself I know that if I would have an unfiltered computer in front of me I would fall so fast I wouldn't know what hit me

What kept me clean for 2 and 1/2 years (5 years ago) was not the therapist or the sa meetings but rather meeting the sa member before the meeting who told me his horrifying story and being scared out of my wits of chas veshalom ever coming to such a matzav myself. After recently writing down my history for myself in short notes so many horrifying things that I myself have done came back to me, some that I had totally forgotten about (denial) and some that I had half forgotten about (i.e. chose not to focus on too much), that I think this could scare me into another long clean streak, but it would not really accomplish anything for the long run. And that is why I am here bechasdei Hashem ki lo chalu.

kilochalu wrote:


Great! So you know what to avoid.

Hatzlacha... and Welcome!

MT

WELCOME kilochalu! I'm glad you are getting chizzuk here. You must have learned a lot in therapy and SA meetings. I'm sure we could learn a lot from you.

Keep posting!

gibbor120 wrote:

Actually as I wrote before the main thing that I learned was from meeting with a meeting member and hearing his story it hit me like a ton of bricks where I could end up if I dont work on this and then I proceeded to do almost exactly (?) that.
I stopped going to the therapist after a few sessions and only went to 2,3 meetings.
Even though I stayed clean for 2 and 1/2 years I don't believe that I am in any way recovered. That 2 and 1/2 year streak was over about 3 years ago and I have fallen several times over this period. More or less I have fallen any time I have an easy opportunity such as unfiltered internet in front of me or enough free time to pursue it when its not in front of me. Boruch Hashem I am too busy most of the time, I think that was the KOTzker's plan - to keep the chasidim busy so they don't have time for aveiros.

kilochalu wrote:

Hi and welcome,

Thank you for sharing.

Your post rings home for me very deeply.

Five years ago, I found GYE. After two years of trying to stay sober (I managed five months), out of desperation, I finally called SA and started going to meetings.

But even in SA I was unable to stay clean.

it was a year and a half before I realised where i had gone wrong. I had come to SA after trying all the conventional ways of stopping; daavening, mussar, kabolos, mikve, filters, etc, none of which had helped in the long term. I was sure that by going to SA meetings, I would not need any of these anymore. Yes, i would be able to sit in front of an unfiltered computer, maybe even watch triggering images and I would not masturbate!!!

i was disappointed. My first sponsor told me to put a filter on my computer, and stay away from anything triggering. i was furious. Was this what I had come to SA for?(The resentment itself nearly killed me).

It was a year and a half, before I understood that admitting powerless means that I cannot even entertain the idea of lusting; a hard one to swallow (how come I see other people with iphones and open internet and only I cannot have it?)

That for me was step one: accepting that if I am powerless I had better stay out of the battlefield.

So to relate to what you wrote: even now when i feel pretty strong/sure of myself I know that if I would have an unfiltered computer in front of me I would fall so fast I wouldn't know what hit me yes, my friend, that is what powerless is all about, and accepting that is the first step to freedom.

Thank you for reminding me.

May HaShem grant us day of sobriety and sanity.

chesky wrote:


Thanks Chesky for such a beautiful explanantion of the first step. I feel like laminating it for my wallet - it's something I need to always remember.

MT

so does that make me past step one?! do i still have to go to meetings, I guess there are still the next 11 and I don't really think that I am past 1 either.
that is pretty depressing to accept that I won't ever be able to sit in front of a computer with unfiltered internet, just thinking what are the odds that it will be possible to not be in such situations here and there. Or does being powerless being the first step to freedom mean freedom and yes being able to face such a situation.

I just saw another post of yours - Chesky

which reminded me of another similar one from a few days ago
You were not saying that I will never be able to sit in front of an unfiltered computer or similar situations, just that I will not be able to handle such a matzav by myself w/o realizing that I need Hashem's help to restore my sanity w/ which I would be able to deal w/ such a situation (is the choosing not to act out first or asking Hashem to restore my sanity first? I switched it from how you wrote it , is that not what you meant?)

I identify with your feeling. Yes, it is very hard to swallow and accept the fact that I am different; that i cannot do what most normal people can do. that is why, I have to go to meetings and say over and over again that i am a sexaholic; and i call friends to remind myself and admit that i am powerless even though I may be feeling great and that i have no desire to lust at all.

But the truth of the matter is that what we really want makes no sense. We want sobriety but we also want to be able to use unfiltered internet. If i really want sobriety, then why should i care if my internet is filtered or not?!

Your second post must have come while I was writing my post.

Have you thought about why it is so important to you to be able to sit in front of an unfiltered computer?

not because i want to have unfilterd internet, I wrote that it is just scary thinking that chances are that I will be in such situations and how important it is to have a way to deal with it.

does the asking/davening to Hashem to restore me to sanity just mean realizing and accepting how crazy I have been in my lusting and acting out and how that has brought me to a warped view of many things in life overall

I wrote this elsewhere. i hope it answers your question:
chesky wrote:

May HaShem grant us a sober and sane day.