Wow, Chizuk Man - wow wow.

I feel for you. My ex wife decided to assuage her pain by becoming "friends" with another man. Whom she ended up marrying. Internet addiction was not the only problem. And that's a whole other story. But enough about me.

You have two very major issues here. In order of importance there is:

a) Your self
b) you marriage

They are naturally very connected and with an issue like this they can become dangerously entangled. My (free) advice, put your kochos into "a". You really must work on yourself. Come to understand yourself to the degree that you can, and improve yourself.

Regarding the "b", Daven, Tehillem and give tzedakah. Realize that it is in her hands, and respect that. Eat as much crow as you need to. Although it was many years ago, I am deeply saddened when I think about how much I hurt my wife. Did I know why I was doing it? Still don't. But gotta keep fighting the fight.

May Hashem help you uncover your storehouse of strength.

Lemanchem

So, breaking update. Massive discussions and arguments this past weekend with the wife. We talked and talked for a long time about how hard it is her for to take me back. She likes that I'm going to therapy and it's led to very insightful aspects of both my personality and our relationship and what we look for in each other. The other night she agreed to let us give it a shot. It was very intense and when I held her hand she started crying. One thing led to another and I'll skip the details but I'm sleeping in our room again with her. The next day she told me things went too fast and we should take it slow so that is what we are doing, but things are starting to look up and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. On my end, I've been clean and haven't seen shmutz in almost a month, and I have slipped a couple of times by my lonesome but it's been a couple of weeks and I'm feeling better. My religiousity has slipped in intensity and hopefully I can get back into it soon, i'm taking it slow, but starting to realize that this is the greatest blessing from Hashem. I appreciate all your advice and encouragement and support. TTYL. Chizukmachine.

Wow! Awesome!

KOMT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you for sharing the good news with us
just keep it up
הבא לטהר מסייעין לו

Great news... Hashem should bless you and your wife with continued growth.

And, if I understood you correctly, don't worry about the apparent drop-off in religious intensity... what you're doing now in, be"H, improving yourself and your marriage is repairing the foundation of your religiosity... l'moshul, when you're having a contractor repair the structure of your house, the walls maybe all ripped up and floors with holes in them, but when they're done (and it may take a while and a lot of hard work), the house will be in much more solid shape than it was before, and its appearance will be better than ever.

KOT.

Great, wohooo KUTGW!

that is great to hear!

Wow!

b'hatzlachah onward

Great to hear. I am always anxiously awaiting your updates. Please know that you are at a very critical time in your development in this area. Alot of people slip hear thinking they dodged a bullet and tend to fall back into bad things. Keep your guard up!

That is great news! I think that stories like yours and the issues that we are confronting and struggling with are really what is intended by the advertisements that many of have seen for shiurim on Shovavim.

so another update. Things are improving in our marriage and we are getting closer. Still going to therapy and it's helping me resolve and tackle these issues. I slip up occasionally but am learning to get better at it and me and my wife are much more open than before. I'm finding ways to improve my marriage and although my wife has moments of distance we are starting to get closer again. She's starting to support me in these inyanim as well and wants to help me tackle them and she try's to ensure i'm not in a position to slip up or act out. It's crazy thinking that this wild ride and experience is only a month and a half old. I remember the state of depression i was in when it first happened and how sunk i felt. B''H things are much better, but i know i have to watch myself like a hawk. Thanks for all your input and advice! BTW . .. if anyone here has suggestions on how to tackle shabbos: ie: eating well, avoiding stress and keeping active when stuck inside house for 24-25 hrs, i'd greatly appreciate it! That's the toughest part! (and yes i go to every minyan)

u made my day.
ur still ganna be the biggest Muser Sefer here,
just hold it up
keep it up.

i give u my best wishes

May your marriage (and life) keep getting better and better! May you keep living up to your name - chizukmachine !

do you daven with a minyan on Shabbos? do you have a chavrusa or a shiur ? Do you have guests for Shabbos meals? Try taking a walk on Shabbos, especially in the spring and summer months-which were always times when an overly long nap would leave me vulnerable.

chizukmachine wrote:

Lfi aniyas daati, this can be tricky. Especially the bold words. I find in my marriage, that if my wife tries so hard, and i still fall, she thinks that its her fault and she has to try even harder. The truth is that she is not at fault AT ALL. She has NOTHING to do with my addiction.
Dont get me wrong, i commend your wife for coming this far (its further than my wife has come). But I think that this might be tricky, so keep your head up, and make sure she NEVER feels that your sobriety is dependent on her behavior.

to answer your question: yes i go to every minyan, yes i learn on shabbos, yes we have people over and that helps, but still it's tough in winter months with kids in the house all day . . . and to lizhensk:you make a very good point, my wife does find it pressuring and we had a long talk about it, hopefully things will improve in that area in the future as she see's that im not stressed and acting out: and acting healthy in every aspect of my life.

To all: another good point, last night my wife told me she loves me, something she hasn't said since the incident, a huge step forward in our relationship and marriage. Our anniversary is coming up and she's looking forward to going out with me: hopefully it works out well. I thank you all for your advice and input!