I've been married for a few years now. When I was single and in yeshiva i would frequent strip clubs and ultimately i went off the derech for a year and a half. I eventually met my wife while pursuing my graduate degree. I never told her any of this. I was also addicted to internet pornography and I smoked. after i got married i was clean for a grand total of 30 days then went back to porn and have been addicted ever since. I quit smoking two years ago but could not get off the patches. This past weekend I didn't have any patches so I drank all shabbos. Then on sat night I stumbled into a strip club for the first time in seven years. My wife found out and needless to say she was furious. We met with my rabbi and a therapist and I m going to start going to him, but I don't know what will happen with my marriage. I've hit rock bottom and I've nevere told anyone any of this until this week. I'm still at home with my wife but we barely speak and she can't understand why I did it

Welcome to this site.
Sounds like a real tough week...to say the least.
Many of the things you have mentioned resonate with us, for one way or the other, we have been there.
Continue with the Rabbi and therapist.
Is your wife going with you?
Stay strong.
The oilam here will try to be mechazek you.
Take one day at a time.

b'hatzlachah

Keep us posted

she's not sure if she's going to go with me or not, she went with me last time; she's in crisis mode,

heyo!
First of all, Alot of us have been there. My wife walked in on me while i was in middle of watching porn. It wasn't fun. Needless to say, she didnt talk to me either for a while. Nor did she sleep in our room that night.
But, over the past few months since then, ive showed her that even tho i may fall every once in a while, i still am serious about changing, and getting better. And believe it or not, our marriage might evenbe better then how it was before. So, my advice to you would be to start working on it. But a real legit work. Dont just post, but chat with people, talk to people (that doesnt mean you shouldnt post, you should, you can get alot of advice from people on here). If u feel like your about to do something stupid, call someone. If you clean your side of the street, your wife will realize and life will be better then ever.

A good place to start would be the GYE handbook.

i've been the one sleeping on couch past few nights. its pretty tough bec my wife has trouble falling asleep when i'm not next to her, but i guess she'll get used to it. my kid sleeps in our room now just so that my wife can fall asleep. I've been feeling pretty numb since it happened and its like being in a black hole with no way out.

the ironic part is that i made a commitment in elul to make 40 straight minyanim. the 40th was erev rosh hashana mincha and i missed it bec it was so hectic. since then i haven't been able to make it and recently i came very close. this past motzei shabbos by maariv was 37 so if i had made sunday i finallly would have reached 40. but then sat night happened . . . so i guess G-d doesnt want me to make it until i solve this much deeper and more prevelant issue

We All Feel with u
i can tell 1 thing from experience:
Stay here in our Heilige Group
alot of chizik being given here
and advise how to get helped
don't give up
Hashem is with u and us forever

Hello chizukmachine, welcome!

My wife got quite a shock a couple years ago when I came home from my summer job in the middle of the day and told her that I was fired for looking at shmutz on the job.

I explained to her that it was not her fault, this was something I had struggled with for years long before I met her, etc. It helped a little, but it was is still a hard pill to swallow.

I did see a therapist for a while, and (much later) I joined GYE. Boruch Hashem, things have improved a lot since then, both in my sobriety, and my relationship with my wife (of course there is still a long way to go....)

Anyway, you have come to the right place! Stick around, please keep posting!

WELCOME chizukmachine! I'll add my voice to the choir of those getting caught. I was numb for several days, as was my wife. We met with my Rav and that helped a lot. It was a big shock for her. It turned our world upside down. It is really hard for wives. They feel betrayed by the one closest to them. It takes time to rebuild trust.

4 1/2 years later, I have B"H been sober. I found GYE a couple of years ago and I have learned a lot in that time. I have also made lots of friends.

Stick around. There is a lot to learn here.

Is your wife speaking to you at all?

Many of us have been in your position and gotten help and many of our marriages have come out stronger. Not overnight, but it has happened.

It is very tough. Hang in there. Things can get better, but it will take time, patience and some real change.

I rambled a bit cuz I'm in a rush.

WELCOME!!!

Yeah she s speaking to me, but just to scream at me . . .also I repeatedly lied about it every step of the way so she s livid about that too . . .

Like I said. Hang in there. They are often more angry about the lying.

please stay here with us
help is on the way
just stick around

screaming at you is also a form of communication. if you can get a word in edgewise make sure to let her know that you understand her feelings (and this should be sincere you really should understand them) and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get over this hump. Also do whatever you can to make sure she speaks to your rav or ask him to speak to her before she speaks to the wrong people who will give her bad advice that could be irreversible.

Is she willing to see a rav or therapist with you?

i think so: we met with the rav and then the therapist on the day she discovered it; and wer'e scheduled to meet with the therapist individually next week . . . . i'm kind of relieved; it kind of was a burden i've been living with my whole life and i feel like i can finally let it off my chest and evaluate who i really am.....I really appreciate all of your posts and encouragement and thank you very much! we talked a lot last night and i think she 's not as angry but we'll see where it goes from here... the weekend is going to be tough bec we'll be in close proximity for next few days with kids, etc. but if i can make it through this shabbos hopefully things can get better . . .