hasn't seen improvement other than that her anger has lessened

...i think she appreciates it more when i respond to what she is saying, even if slightly angry rather than keep silent ... for ex: this morning she was quite cold to me so i asked her about it and she told me how much et upsets her, etc. and that made her feel better to take it out on me . .then she was warmer to me . . go figure

. we argued in car ride back, i think she appreciates it more when i respond to what she is saying, even if slightly angry rather than keep silent . . me personally i'd rather keep quite so as not to get angry but to her that means she's talking to a wall. . . so i respond and even if we go in circles it makes her feel better . . for ex: this morning she was quite cold to me so i asked her about it and she told me how much et upsets her, etc. and that made her feel better to take it out on me . .then she was warmer to me . . go figure

Horseman 4: Stonewalling. In marriages like Dara and Oliver's, where discussions begin with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out.
This heralds the arrival of the fourth horseman. Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the
newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stone waller. Although both husbands and wives can be stone wallers, this behavior is far
more common among men, for reasons we'll see later.

During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives all kinds of cues to the speaker that he's paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, say something like "Yeah" or "uhhuh". But a stone waller doesn't give you this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like
an impassive stone wall. The stone waller acts as though he couldn't care less about what you're saying, if he even hears it. Stonewalling usually arrives later in the course of a marriage than the other three horsemen. That's why it's less common among
newlywed husbands such as Oliver than among couples who have been in a negative spiral for a while. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable "out." That's the stance that Mack takes when he and his wife Rita argue about each other's behavior at parties. She says the problem is that he drinks too much. He thinks the bigger problem is her reaction: She embarrasses him by yelling at him in front of his friends. Here they are, already in the middle of an argument:

Rita: Now I've become the problem, again. I started off with the complaint, but now I am the problem. That always seems to happen.
Mack: Yeah, I do that, I know. (Pause.) But your tantrums and childishness are an embarrassment to me and my friends.
Rita: If you would control your drinking at parties, puleese . . .
Mack: (Looks down, avoids eye contact, says nothing--he's stonewalling.)
Rita: Because I think (laughs) for the most part, we get along pretty well, really (laughs).
Mack: (Continues to stonewall. Remains silent, makes no eye contact, head
nods, facial movements, or vocalizations.)
Rita: Don't you think?
Mack: (No response.)
Rita: Mack? Hello?
The third sign: flooding
It may seem to Rita that her complaints have no effect on Mack. But nothing could be further from the truth. Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling flooded. Flooding means that your spouse's negativity--whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness--is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you
shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay The more often you feel Hooded by your spouse's criticism or contempt, the more hyper vigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to "blow" again. All you can think about is protecting yourself from the turbulence your
spouse's onslaught causes. And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship. No wonder Mack and Rita are now divorced.

Another husband, Paul, was quite up front about why he stonewalls when his wife, Amy, gets negative. In the following discussion he articulates what all stone wallers are feeling.

Amy: When I get mad, that's when you should step in and try to make it better. But when you just stop talking, it means, "I no longer care about how you feel." That just makes me feel one inch tall. Like my opinion or feelings have absolutely no bearing on
you. And that's not the way a marriage should be.
Paul: What I'm saying is, if you wanna have a serious conversation, you're gonna do it without yelling and screaming all the time. You start saying things that are hurtful.
Amy: Well, when I'm hurt, mad, and I wanna hurt you, I start saying
things. And that's when we should both stop. I should say "I'm
sorry." And you should say, "I know that you wanna talk about
this. And I really should make an effort to talk instead of just
ignoring you."
Paul: I'll talk when-
Amy: It fits your purpose.
Paul: No, when you're not yelling and screaming and jumping up and down stomping.
Amy kept telling Paul how it made her feel when he shut down. But she did not seem to hear him tell her why he shuts down: He can't handle her hostility. This couple later divorced.

A marriage's meltdown can be predicted, then, by habitual harsh startup and frequent flooding brought on by the relentless presence of the four horsemen during disagreements. Although each of these factors alone can predict a divorce, they usually coexist in an unhappy marriage.