I am new to GYE, but I wish I had found it much earlier. after just a few days of reading through some articles and posts I already feel like things are changing for the better.
I guess I'll start by telling my story (hopefully in short). I am a yungerman learning in kollel for a few years now and I doubt anyone who knows me suspects me of my dark secret. I grew up in a more modern family and was exposed to small amounts of inappropriate material on the internet when I was still young. I was good with computers and I guess I was curious. well, after that I got turned on to learning and went to yeshiva and really thrived there. but as much as I grew in my learning and in other areas, I would still somehow "fall" here and there. it really made me depressed to be living this sort of double life but I still convinced myself that each incident was isolated and I didn't realize how severe my problem was. my addictions are for websites with explicit pictures and videos (it's embarrassing to even write that but it's actually my first time ever openly admitting it in any way, so it also feels good to finally let it out).
I think the rest of my story is somewhat standard... got married thinking I would never relapse (and didn't for a while), "accidentally" ended up finding those old websites, and looking at them and being motzie z"l r"l.
I always wanted to seek guidance but was never brave enough. now that I have found GYE I believe I can really overcome this. my main problem with beginning the process is that I'm not sure how to classify my addiction. when I'm being pulled by my y"h to lust, the temptations are so strong they are debilitating. I may find myself staying up until crazy hours, not being able to focus on my learning, not taking care of my responsibilities properly, and not treating those around me the right way. and of course looking at the websites and...
but the taavos aren't always there. in fact I sometimes go months at a time without an incident (although there are things I'm sure that I do subconsciously because of my addiction). so I don't think making these fences or shvuos will help me. I already have a pretty good filter set up and I desperately want to stop. of course there are cracks in the filter. and I've also found that I don't need all that much material to get my lusts going. the biggest issue is my smartphone which I had blocked all internet apps right away when getting it and my wife has password (she doesn't know anything about my addiction). but I "accidentally" found a way to get to internet through a different app and it's not so simple to block it.
sorry for not keeping short but when you're drowning it's hard to be precise. I can't face myself anymore and even though i'm not lusting right now I know the y"h will sneak up on me eventually. please help me if you can. any thoughts on what to do next and chizuk would really help. thanks to all the members of this site and it's staff for being here for each other.

go to the store and have this other browser blocked
[That's only to answer your question. Even those of us who would get it blocked would then find a different way to get on.]

welcome

b'hatzlachah

I am sorry this is happening to you.

WELCOME!
You have done the hard part now, telling us your story, and you have def. come to the right place!
Have you spoken about it to rov/mentor? Have you thought about getting a partner?

WOW!!!!

You just brought me back to my early days on GYE......like......whoah!!!!!!

I completely relate with it all, not knowing where to categorize myself, the double life, finding cracks in the filter, finding myself after a few hours of porn, wife knowing nothing (still doesn't)...........WHOAH!!!!!

So for starts, Welcome!!! Make yourself at home, we're all one big family!!!

One of the things that AlexEliezer asked me right upfront was "how is your shemiras einayim?", that question helped me a lot, so I forward it to you.

How is your Shemiras Einayim?

Welcome!

Your story has a lot in common with mine. B"H I have started my journey, and I feel like I am on the right track (I am clean for 135 days now). You can be helped as well.

Stick with us, keep on posting!

Hi hunjy1, and thanks for starting to open up here. You wrote a lot and your sincerity is clear. More details and clarity will come out with more time, iy"H. Many have found that simply doing what you are starting to do is so very helpful to them. You are in the right place!

But could you please reconsider using the phrase, "my addiction". I am an addict, and I am suggesting to you that you probably do not have an addiction. I am not 'paskening', just suggesting.

No matter how horrifyingly evil the sin of wasting sperm is, its gravity itself does not convert your sins into 'an addiction'. I hope you understand this. Many do not.

I would wager that you simply have a yetzer hora, and imagination, and a penis. Not the greatest combination. And as a result, you developed an intermittent habit because some of those activities feel so good. That's all. In other words, YOU ARE PROBABLY NORMAL and just have a habit that you do not like having.

It's a really inconvenient habit, cuz it tends to make a person hungrier for sex than is good for us, it distracts us from reality at times, and it feels so horrible to see that zera levatola coming out and that horrible feeling of "NO! This can't be happenning! I never meant it to go this far!" It is also really inconvenient to get caught giving into such temptations.

But that is not what an addiction is. I have an addiction, and I am saying this to you because I care.

Using the word 'addiction' carries a lot of meanings that will unnecessarily complicate your issue, and complication is not good.

If you want me to shut up here, that's OK w/ me, I did my part. If you want me to try and clarify some ways 'addiction' unecessarily complicates and will probably derail your (rather normal) struggle, I would be glad to try and do so here. But either way, my heart goes out to you in your obvioualy sincere and very real struggle for complete faithfulness to your principles and to your marriage.

Please keep posting and consider not convoluting this issue with addiction-talk. Get chizzuk, keep staying open, and don't let people who love talking about 'your powerlessness' and other things that do not apply to you, make you meshugah.

Now, it could be that you are a sex and lust addict after all, or that your problem progresses and really becomes an unmanageable double life for you...but in the meantime, I am suggesting not turning a molehill into a mountain.

Get to work! But on the right thing. The simple thing.

Hatzlocha!

No, I'm def not ready to speak to anyone about it, even anonymously. Maybe I will get there. for now i'm just looking to figure out who I am and where I should be heading. Thanks for reaching out.

to pidaini and tryingtoshteig: Thanks for showing me i'm not alone, sometimes I feel so sick about myself. it doesn't make what I do better because there are others but it helps to know that I don't have to fight alone. as far as my shemiras einayim, obviously when looking at those sites its not good. but if you mean in the streets etc, it depends which life i'm living at that time. when i'm weak, it's everywhere, and when the lusts subside I think i'm pretty careful. all part of the stira that I feel i'm living

to Dov: direction is the main thing i'm looking for so i'm listening to every word. I really don't know if i'm an addict and I did tell myself for a long time that my issues were just strong taavos. so I guess for now i'll just leave off the label until I figure it out. but one thing's for sure, that now that I have been exposed to so much, I can't fight the y"h the same way others do.
I've been down the road of installing better filters too many times. and I spent too many yom kippurs promising Hashem that I was finished. I want to be rid of this disease once and for all. but I also can't tell anyone I know about it, I'm just not ready to do that.
the chizuk and advice is helping, thanks everyone

When I answered "as for shemiras einayim, it's not great, but i don't gaze much at the frum women here in the frum neiborhood."

AlexEliezer wrote:

Hi hunjy1 and welcome to the club. I wish you lotsa success in your GYE experience.

If I may share a vort with you, I saw one today in the Kli Yakar this week's Parsha (32:25). He explains why Chazal say the YH is like a 'fly'. Because a fly cannot harm a person whose flesh is whole. The fly cannot penetrate the person's unbroken skin. But if there is a cut or a wound, the fly will use that opening to cause more damage. Likewise, if one is careful to keep his distance from nisyonos and triggers, the YH will not have access to his soul. But if he creates breaches, even very small ones, the YH will use that to gain entry and wreak havoc ch"v. So we need to do our best and be vigilant on all frontiers, and Hashem will do the rest to save us from slips and falls.

Amen!

Hatzlacha!

MT

WELCOME hunjy1! You have come to the right place, addict or not. There are tools for everyone struggling at whatever level.

I personally wasn't sure for a while if I am an addict or not. There are some tests out there, and I scored pretty high on them. I did have periods of relative calm though, sometimes for several months.

I realized that I was becoming more obsessive about it as time went on and was taking bigger risks to feed my 'addiction'.

I think a pretty good definition is when you don't want to do it. You know you can loose things that are very precious to you (job, wife, etc.) yet, you feel you don't have a choice, but MUST get your fix. In short, you know you need to stop and you know that you cannot stop.... not without help.

At that point I think it is fair to call it an addiction. You will see that different people give different definitions. I consider myself an addict although I'm still not sure from time to time.

I basically decided that it doesn't matter. I will use the tools that work for me. If I'm sober, it doesn't matter if I call it an addiction or a bad habbit. Either way, I'm free to live life! And that's the main point.

Anyway, opening up was a big step for me. Getting on a phone call or meeting someone and being able to say. I have a problem with masturbation and pornography. It is hard to open up here at first, but I did it, then called some people, and even met a few. That has made the biggest difference for me.

Sorry for the ramble. I hope it is helpful.

Welcome, and keep us posted.

It sounds to me like you are heading in the right direction, sir. Keep on reaching out here. Even though it may seem suicidal to you now, maybe someday you will be ready to speak to safe people and open up more about the facts of your situation and problem. And then things will start to get easier.

In the meantime, do what's comfortable...like posting here!

But if you find you once again get uncomfortable inside and are doing the same things, you may then be ready to take actions for your healing that are not comfortable, to match them. Like reaching out to real, safe, people who care and understand.

You are not alone and there are ways out that are not as 'deadly' as they seem.

Right now i'm going through a real struggle. My y"h is using his most dangerous tactic on me... nothing. I don't feel anything now. I feel almost as if I never had a problem, like I will never relapse, like I'm finally free from that terrible past. The same way I've felt so many times before.

Still not sure if I have an addiction, but when reading through the 12 steps I felt like I related to it a lot. And I found that this feeling that I can overcome my temptations on my own is what has always led me back to them. I can't beat my y"h and I am tired of losing.

I heard a recording from Rabbi Twersky and he quoted a former alcoholic, now sober for 25 years who said, "The man I once was drank, and the man I once was will drink again." - the man I once was (and still am) will go to inappropriate sites and be motzie z"l... I don't want to be him anymore (in that area).

I think I will start working on the 12 steps, just reaching out for more chizuk, it helps.