Thanks for sharing! I am also from a modern background. Have you considered joining a phone conference? I'm happy to email, PM, talk on the phone...

I feel that in some ways, we alm share similar stories, and that our struggles aren't so different. It brings me a message that I'd like to share with you: we are not alone in this fight. We're all in this together and i truly admire your fortitude to blaze forward.

Thank you for the warm welcome back!

I bought a copy of the white book....plan to start reading it....

Feel like I am in a never ending loop....question whether I really have the ability to EVER break free....

Just watched the GYE video and all seems so promising....so I march on AGAIN.

Gibor thanks for the offer I will take you up on it....please let me know the best way to get in touch with you.

After speaking with Dov I believe we discussed first step that "My life in unmanageable...etc"

Not sure I ever felt that way....I can manage my life....like everyone we have ups and downs with marriages....kids...work etc....

I am writing this as I hit a down with the wife and one kid....but usually things are pretty good....work is solid....challenging at times and always feel overwhelmed...respected in community...have tons of friends etc....good father....could be a much better husband...but I try

So why am I here...I guess as all of us....have that inner voice that gnaws away and says to me....living a lie....saps the joy....an inner sadness as soon as the semen flys....

Can I ever win? (I know wrong term)....not sure...I seem to go in cycles of really bad behavior meeting other people....go cold turkey for a while....as realize how far I have fallen....to Porn and MB with the vicious cycle repeating itself.

What I have done in the past clearly not working....so per Dov trying to take concrete steps....bought the book...spoke to 2 people on the phone...one too busy...other just didn't feel like the right connection....

Hopefully Gibor will click and I find a way home.....


Shabbat Shalom....pray for me

Nachshon

Good post!

You mentioned "ever" twice in the post, as in "will you ever break free?"
That is not the best mehalech to start with, for it is one that in our current state - we usually answer with a "no."
The question better asked is: Can I break free for now?
Most of the time, the answer to that is "yes."
KOT!
My email is thenewme613@hotmail.com.

We have similar issues, and I am tryin' with concrete steps to focus on the "now."

b'hatzlachah

ONE "NOW" AT A TIME!

Thank for to those who reached out and Dov for the text message of inspiration...I really do appreciate it. The "not in this alone feeling" is so important. Been crazy busy at work (I seem to say that a lot) and at times I think that is a blessing...gives me less opportunity and/or energy to get myself into trouble!

In the past I tried downloading the SA white book....I find hard to read something that long online....and even though I tried reading in the past never really got that far.

Sooooo I finally bought a copy (thats a long story of getting it without others thinking I am some sick sex addict!)...in my mind I figured I took risks to satisfy my lust addiction in the past why not take one to get help. Wife did find it....which is another long story.

I finally read the first chapter this week...and was scary how so much of that first chapter was me. Thank god never did some of the things mentioned but the psyche and the struggles and the swearing to stop...was me to a tee. I am usually a speed reader but really need to soak this material in so going slowly. But wow I feel like I may be on the right path for the first time in a very long time.

On a separate note....we usually have many guests for Shabbat....mostly Bal Tshuva types...one of them was sharing a story he heard at an Aish seminar or something of the sort that talked about a Rabbi and his young son that were murdered....really long story....but the gist of it was that no one could understand why this happened to these 2 amazing people and the effects it had on the wife and other children....(not sure if true story or not)....but then the dead husband comes to the wife in a dream saying the reason their son was killed....is in a previous life he was a Tzadik...but as a young child he was nursed by a non-Jewish woman and this was his...(Tafkid? Tikun? Rectification?)....that he needed to come back for this short period of time....and he gave a reason for his death as well....to rectify some judgement against the Jewish people....etc.

When I listened to the story and Dvar Torah....hit me...maybe it doesn't matter that I am strong in other parts of my Judaism (see title of thread)....perhaps this is my Tikun and I have not fulfilled nor rectified this situation.

Depressing thought!!!!!

On a positive note...I feel a new sense of vigor to battle and find help.

Nachshon

Nachshon wrote:

Quite the contrary, I think.
It's depressing when you start to think that you're part of some cruel joke, a cosmic conspiracy, in which you are destined to live your entire life struggling with fantasies and stuck in mediocrity.
When we realize that there is truly some cheshbon, albeit beyond our limited understanding, it can inspire us to realize that just as we were put in this situation, we have the ability to overcome it as well.

Kol tuv and keep shteiging.

[u]It's depressing when you start to think that you're part of some cruel joke, a cosmic conspiracy, in which you are destined to live your entire life struggling with fantasies

Isn't that what is exactly happening in my life....not a cruel joke but a life struggle I haven't been able to overcome and don't seem to have the ability to? After all is said and done...wont I be punished for these horrible things I have done? All the good weighed down by my inability to beat this one challenge that defies all logic!

Seems depressing to me!

If you are addicted, like I am, focus on the moment before you; not on the teshuvah or gehinnom. there will be time for that at a later date.

b'hatzlachah

Nachshon, hearing you. But all I can share is what I have got:

I do not give a flying rat's behind about 'tikun' issues or 'my life's tafkid'. As far as I can see it, those things are only G-d's business, and as far as I can recall, thinking about those matters only led me to one thing: my trying to manage them. Which meant masturbating more and more and more, etc.

Those things are great talk for normals. I know it works wonders at NCSY groups and in yeshivas where 90% of the people there are not addicts (and may work here on GYE were the majority are not addicts, either). But I have learned through 'careful study' that I am clearly ill, and cannot involve myself in G-d's business. It is clearly against G-d's Will for me, for me to get involved with issues like, "Have I done Teshuvah adequately for the things I did?", or "Tikkun", or figuring out and working on "my life's tafkid." It is just pride that sets me up in my mind as a person who could possibly have any grasp of those matters. And when I try my sincere heart out to 'get there'...all that happens is I end up taking up my scepter and becoming the poor, misunderstood, star-crossed tzaddik I pine so much to be. And sex struggle resume.

There are 2 things I know I cannot successfully do, that normals can do:

1- use lust - When I do that, I pretend to be sitting in the chair for normal people and fail
and
2- tikkun/Teshuvah gemurah/other BS - When I do that, I sit in G-d's chair.

All those things - all of them - are His business and His Business alone. I will find out about them when and if He wants me to, probably after I am dead.

And I have been clean and getting cleaner for 17 years davka this way. Is that 'failure'? I'm not referring to you Nachshon, or to anyone here, but we know the type who care more about not wasting sperm than about not wasting people - and I say let them all cry tears for me. It's OK.

I wonder what kind of gehinom is waiting for me for doing what keeps me clean and living the good life. We can ask my wife and children, who now have a real husband and father and only getting better and better. We can ask the 100's of wives who have a husband since their perverted spouses finally got into program through speaking with recovering perverts like me. We are not going to hell for staying away from such cheshbonos, period.

Yow!

Reminds me of what someone here on gye told me. I was upset that the reason i didn't act out was because i would have had to tell a friend. So i didn't feel like i was really stopping. He told me that in this struggle, you gotta do whatever it takes.

OK I Lose....I am 100% convinced I can NOT win this battle....with what I have been doing. It won't work

I started reading the white book...amazing how so much of it applies to me...

Perhaps I am an addict...or maybe border line addic....or maybe who cares....maybe I am just a little sick...since I can still function in a pretty good life....not perfect...but wouldnt change mine for someone elses!

I have stopped meeting other people for a while(wow must be a real Tzadik)....but still am using porn and masturbation. As of late feel life starting to spin out of control....not the Porn usage....other aspects....in many areas...is that god sending me a message? Arent we supposed to look into our actions when things start going badly?


So what is the next step...is it the dreaded meeting....i think yes? Once upon a time I said never....but now believe may be my only hope.

How to make the leap from believing it is the right answer for me to actually researching making the time from a crazy schedule and actually walking through those scary doors and exposing my hidden secret to the world?????

HELP ME

Feel for you.

Like I wrote many times, i also thought I'd never be in a church basement talkin' about my sexual life with a bunch of strangers.
i also never thought I'd be on a couch with a therapist (why the hell are they always couches?).
Look up the number for local SA chapter.

send an email, and see what happens.

You don't have to go just because you did that.

Or perhaps, pick someone from someplace you will talk with on the phone.

b'hatzlachah

Nachshon wrote:


I'd like to share what Sandy B. says about this. My problem is that I am powerless over lust. That doesn't mean that when I lust I get all screwed up. If that was the problem then I have a very simple solution, don't lust. Simple. No, when I say I am powerless I mean that I'm powerless when I'm not lusting. I have no defense against the first look.


Nachshon wrote:


I absolutely relate to this. About a year ago I wrote several long posts about exactly why meetings were no good, not for me, potentially damaging, wouldn't help me, I'm not quite an addict, I can do this by myself, etc etc. You can still find them somewhere if you look hard enough (Cordnoy - please resist the temptation to repost them here ).

Eventually I got to where it sounds like you are now - I have no other option. "I thought I could find an easier softer way but I could not."

and yes it was scary. Very very very scary. For about...... 10 seconds. I was worried about it all day, but 10 seconds after I sat down in the meeting I felt at home. I was where I belonged.

In terms of time, I think it's much more time effective to spend some time on recovery and not lust the rest of the day than to skip recovery work and act out.

Sandy B. was told by his sponsor that he was to go to a meeting every day. Then one day it snowed so he said haha I don't have to go today. His sponsor just asked "did you ever go to a bar when it was snowing?" So he went to the meeting too.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. The point is just that this is an amazing step to take and you'll be glad you did.

Thank you both for your insights.....

Read the Daily Dose of Dov...and felt like he was talking to me (I think yesterdays)....about taking action and the guy in the bathroom too embarrassed that he is in the bathroom before finishing his business as he is having a heart attack to call for help

Took the next step...small one....looked up a meeting location and a time that may work....

Baby steps...will this "scare" me into straightening up....will only be temporarily even if it does....

Navigating uncharted and scary territory.