wasn't here for a while, was yom tov then i got busy, and then guess what... i fall....

so i am back again, now i am so confused i need to give a real cheshbon hanefesh and see where i should start first.

1) KEEP ON TRUCKING. no more falls with hashems help
2) i dont daven with minyen not shachres and the rest i skip alot of time
3) i forget to make brochos, before and after eating or drinking.
4) i am not doing most of the daily halachos what i need to do.

my lifestyle rolled down so badly that i am seeing me in a dig where i can not come out.

now i want to do real tchuva and start to follow every halacho, but the problem is i see it as a big hill that i cant climb up, what can i do to be able to stay at the minyen shachres and not feeling of getting out of my skin?

Screw the minyan

Get a tefillah bekavoona siddur with yiddish teitch and try to read it slowly.

Maybe skip the hallelukahs etc. in the beginning so you have a shorter shacharis [ask someone knowledgeable what is best to skip]

Slowly but surely.

slowly slowly if you try to do too much you will end up with nothing.

Start with something small, little steps at a time.

Whatever you are going to improve next, daven for success in that improvement. E.g. "please give me success in getting up early tomorrow so I can go to the minyan."

Talking about small steps and mixing Hashem into everything and letting him control. Today when I left my house after crashing lately I asked Hashem to please help me on the street and not lust after anybody. B"H it helped and worked.

GG my name is Daniel and I just want to say that I have joined a conference call program which is slowly changing my life.

I would highly recommend you join.

Please email duvidchaim@gmail.com`to find out more.

If you want you can also email me at puredaniel613@gmail.com

Hatzlocho!

thank you all for your reply and chizuk, my main thing thats bother me in real life is that the sin divided me from hashem, and when i come to shul and i put tfillin i just want to get finish, i want to be at the minyen and simple i cant, i feel like going out of my skin.

i need to state that, doing my first few yrs after marriage, when i was sober i wasnt that way, i liked to daven i felt very close to hashem, and its now missing, and this is very painfull.

We do the mitzvos because they are the right thing to do.
Because as a people we committed to do them.

We do them, and hopefully the feelings follow.
Feelings follow actions and thoughts.
Not the other way around.

And even if we don't feel anything right now, they're still what we need to be doing. And the aveiros are what we need to be avoiding.
These are the Creator's instructions. This is what brings us close to Him.

But Alex, he's not saying that he's deficient in feelings- rather that mitzvos bring him NEGATIVE feelings, see the difference?

The sin did not divide you from Hashem, your guilt has divided you from Him.

We all sin in some part of out lives. אן צדיק בארץ אשר יעשה טוב ולא יתחטא.
Even though the person sins he is still called a Tzaddik. Do you think that an honest true tefillah is not loved by Hashem? Hashem knows that we are human. He made us this way. He knows that we have a Y"H that we follow, but that does not mean that He writes us off. He loves us no matter what. You have to accept that that love is there always. So even if we do wrong, we can always strive to do better and to be better and He will always be there waiting for us with open arms. So even if we have our nisyonos, that doesn't mean that we get to give up on the rest. We have to serve Him where we can. Then we can worry about serving Him better in places that we are lax.

Eli

I can only share my experience and what worked for me. If you identify with it fine, otherwise I hope I don't bore you.

For years I searched for the spiritual connection, or so i thought.Over the years i developed a dependency on these spiritual feelings, and my acting out became a function of this too. Whether the chicken came before the egg, or the egg before the chicken i.e. whether i acted out because I was missing the spiritual high or I felt down because i acted out etc is irrelevant. The point is that my whole life I ping ponged between spiritual high and acting out.

Of course i was not aware of this at the time. i thought that I had a genuine yearning for spirituality. I did! But I defined that spirituality. And Gd was allowed in, when it suited me. Of course when I was feeling down, which was a good excuse to act out, I politely kicked Him out of my life. I could not handle the internal conflict.

After coming to SA, I discovered that i had been living completely wrong. As the 12 and 12 describes it at the end of Step 2:

To clergymen, doctors, friends, and families, the alcoholic
who means well and tries hard is a heartbreaking
riddle. To most A.A.'s, he is not. There are too many of us
who have been just like him, and have found the riddle's
answer. This answer has to do with the quality of faith
rather than its quantity. This has been our blind spot. We
supposed we had humility when really we hadn't. We supposed
we had been serious about religious practices when,
upon honest appraisal, we found we had been only superficial.
Or, going to the other extreme, we had wallowed in
emotionalism and had mistaken it for true religious feeling.
In both cases, we had been asking something for nothing

For most normal people I don't think there is anything too wrong with this, but for me it was poison. And coming to terms with it was one of the hardest things I had to do.

So i cut out doing anything religious which was not Shulchan Aruch - (SA), all the extras! mussar, haskafa etc. Maybe it was a bit extreme, and it was hell. But I could not go back there once I came to face the fact that it had all been phony as genuine as it seemed.

But after a while with the help of meetings and friends in SA, i started to talk to HaShem about REAL things; yes the little annoying things in life, the frustrations, the resentments, the fears, and most of all the feeling in between my legs. i discovered that he IS there for those things too, that He cares, that He loves me unconditionally and that nothing is too big or too insignificant for Him to deal with.

My connection with him is no longer dependent on whether i daavened with a minyan in the morning, or whether I learnt with my chavrusa. And he is there for me whenever I need and want. And now I have the choice not too act out, and instead to turn too him for whatever I am searching for in lust.

May he grant us a sober and sane day.

so after a bad day today, another fall.
so here i managed why it happened, the whole shabbos my mind machshovo was terrible, i had machshovos zorus the whole shabbos, at first i tried to fight with it, but then i saw i am not going to win this if i fight so i just disregarded the fight, and when it came into my mind i said to myself i am not going to fight it, i simple dont give attention to it.

so now sunday after shabbos, i started to have a terrible urge to view pornography but i started to fight against it, for about an hour, but the evil won at the end, and i fell... oh vey hashem forgive me......

so now i am going to hook up in the 12 step program, my main problem is the time, well in middle of day i cant, will have to lookup for the morning call if i can do it.

brush off, get up, and KOT!!!

Get onto those calls, give it all you've got!!

tehillimzugger wrote:


It seems to me that the negative feelings are an awareness of disappointment that the mitzvos aren't giving him the high he was hoping for.

Why not? Maybe because:

גענוג געווען wrote:


I think it's worth reading Chesky's very poignant post a couple of times.

GG, wishing you a good, clean day.

tehillimzugger wrote:


It seems to me that the negative feelings are an awareness of disappointment that the mitzvos aren't giving him the high he was hoping for.

Why not? Maybe because:

גענוג געווען wrote:


I think it's worth reading Chesky's very poignant post a couple of times.

GG, wishing you a good, clean day.