My story:

I am currently in my twenties, and became ba'al teshuva during two years of post-high school yeshiva study in Israel. I got heavily into p*** during high school, before I was frum, and acted out multiple times on a daily basis. I struggled with it during my first year in Israel, and eventually went 'cold turkey.' That lasted for several years. Recently, I have been struggling more, and find that I fall every couple of weeks, instead of every couple of months.

I am married with kids. My wife knows that I struggle, and is supportive.

I have been getting the GYE daily chizuk e-mails for over a year, but I recently realized that standing on the sidelines as a passive observer is insufficient. The temptation is just too strong, and recently, I have too much momentum in the wrong direction. For me at least, freeing myself from unhealthy, harmful, and self-destructive behavior requires that I become a more active, engaged member of the GYE community.

To be honest, I realized a while ago that I needed a 'chevra,' and that going at it alone was bound to fail. But I always had an excuse for not getting more involved, or for not posting on the forum, etc. So this introduction is me trying to ditch the excuses, and join the GYE community in earnest.

Even from the sidelines, just reading the daily chizuk e-mails, I am consistently inspired by the support and encouragement that GYE members offer each other. I hope to return the favor in whatever way I can, and partake of the support and encouragement as well.

welcome aboard!

you have certainly joined a chashuve chevra (not referring to myself).

there are plenty of people here that constantly offer chizuk.

you are in a unique position that your wife already knows. how did that come about? is she helping you? what brings about your acting out?

don't be a stranger and your path taken should be b'hatzlachah.

Welcome to gye, sounds like you're already on the right path.

Do you have a plan on how to go about this?


Hatzlacha!

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.

You have made a good move.

May G-d be with you.

Welcome, make yourself at home!!

What have you been doing so far? What has helped, what has not? Open up bro, your one of the chevra already!

Shalom Aleichem toraschaim!

Welcome to GYE, we are happy to meet you!

I definitely agree with you that standing on the sidelines and reading the chizuk emails will not get anyone very far, and I applaud you for taking the brave step of jumping in and introducing yourself and becoming part of the community. I think you will thank yourself that you did.

Have you noticed what situations make you more prone to falling? Stress? Anger? Boredom? Something else? You said you have been falling every couple of weeks. Are there some times when you feel like falling, but catch yourself? If so, how do you stop yourself? Have you noticed any "strategies" that are NOT effective for you?

We look forward to getting to know you more.

(Now excuse me while I hijack your thread to address cordnoy.)
cordnoy wrote:

Cordnoy, I for one, think you are a chashuv member of the chevra here. The fact that you are persistant in your stuggle, and you recognize that you always have room to grow, and are willing to keep up the fight, is a very chashuve middah, and an inspiration to us all.

thank you shteiging

your name says it all:cheer:

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. To answer some of the questions:

My wife knows because I told her shortly after we got married. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I knew that hiding the problem would only make it harder to deal with. My wife and I have (I think) a very good relationship, and I thought that telling her could only help me, while not being honest could only hurt.

I have noticed that I am more prone to falling when I am stressed or bored. I have also noticed that I tend to fall after seeing certain inappropriate triggers (either in person, typically when I commute), or on 'legitimate' Internet cites where I read news, political commentary, etc. I think it's avoiding these triggers that I really need to work on. There was a short period of time where I tried the idea of 'surrendering the desire to Hashem' that I have seen in many Chizuk e-mails, and I found it very helpful.

I have also noticed that my falls tend to be 'gradual.' I'll struggle for a day or two to hold myself back from looking at anything appropriate, and then console myself with a 'compromise', i.e. by looking at 'non-explicit' images, or running inappropriate things in a search engine to see what comes up. After that, it's usually downhill (in minutes, sometimes seconds) before I've fallen and acted out. Before that, in the heat of the moment, I feel like I'm doing myself a favor by making a 'compromise.' Right afterwards, seeing where it got me, I feel ashamed, stupid, and like a sucker. I am working on realizing that there is no such thing as compromising with the yetzer ha'ra. As soon as I enter negotiations with him, things are already over.

I have a black-list filter on my computer, and accountability software that e-mails to my wife. The filter is full of holes (as I've unfortunately discovered, after going looking for them several times). I am considering switching to a white-list filter. The accountability software has been a helpful deterrent, though.

Lots of great realizations in that post!

In accordance with the realizations, what kind of actions can you take?

Seems like you realized the (imo) secret to this whole thing, the beginning is where it matters, that's where you have to battle it (or avoid it to be more precise).

KUTGW

toraschaim wrote:

Foreign Policy # 1
We do not negotiate with terrorists!!!

welcome
keep up the good work

if your wife knows which is a true blessing, cant you get her more involved?

you will be safer then

bhatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:

Sorry for answering a question that was not directed to me, Cordnoy, but sometimes it's not as simple as it may seem.

My wife also knows about my problem. She found out when I told her that I was fired from my job.

I told her that I want to be open and honest with her going forward, so now she asks me, "How was your day? Have you been a good boy?" When I am having a good day, a busy day, I will fill her in about all the things that happened at work, I worked on this project and went to that meeting, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc. She doesn't really understand the nitty-gritty details of my job, but that's OK. As long as she knows I was busy, she is satisfied.

But some days are slow at work. When that happens, I spend my day on GYE. (A few months ago, I spent my slow days on other websites.) When I come home and she asks, "How was your day?"

I say "Good" or "Fine" or "OK."

"Were you a good boy today?" That's how she directly asks me if I looked at anything inapproriate.

"Yes, 100% clean." True answer.

"What did you do today?"

"Not much." Starting to sound suspicious to her. The truth is, I was posting on GYE a good chunk of the day, chizuk, advice, smileys of all shapes and sizes . I have told her before that I found this really good website called GuardYouEyes that I think can help me, but I didn't tell her that I am here every day.

So in the end, she feels like I may be hiding something from her, and I feel like she is my policeman.

Also, what happens if I fell or almost fell today? Do I trust myself to answer honestly when she asks me point blank? I don't know if I would. If I told the truth, would she be supportive or angry or both? If I lied, she can read me like a book. I am a horrible liar. She would probably catch me blushing, and get upset that I am lying to her again, and that I am looking at shmutz again.

I don't really have a good answer. I believe that ultimately, it is good to be open with your wife, but it has to be done with a lot of caution, and hadracha, which I still need.

All I am saying is that if you want to get your wife involved, plan ahead and know what her involvement will be, and what the limits are.

WELCOME toraschaim! It's great to have you with us. Many of us, maybe most of us started when we were young. You are right on the money, stress or boredom really adds to it. For me, coming here and making friends was is a BIG part of my recovery, perhaps the most important part. Stay in touch with friends and with positive things. Stay busy. oh, and post on the forum when you are bored, stressed, happy, sad, in other words ANY TIME! Keep posting!

As far as using the wife to help. It's a double edged sword. I agree with TTS, it's not good for a wife to be asking lots of questions every day. We want want our wive's encouragement and support, but do NOT want her as our mashgiach. It's not good for the marriage. Our wives need to realize that it is our problem (mostly) not hers.

That said, in order for my wife to feel she can trust me, if something major were to happen, I feel I'd have to tell her. That way she knows that I am not hiding from her. I would not recommend telling your wife every time your head turned when a woman walked by. It will just cause tension.