Day two.
So far so good.
Been a bit aggro, RID I suppose.
I'm battling to function normally, to focus.
I feel like I need a holiday, a break.
I haven't had one in a long time.

Perhaps even just a good night's sleep.
I have 3 kids under the age of 3 and a dog that decided to wake us up at 1:30am.

Is it really that tough though, or am I just making excuses?

This is when I'm normally most tempted, when things get tough and I need an escape.
I can do this, I can survive today.

Good post: simonsarris.com/blog/590-be-positive
I could do with that positiveness

Yosef.

ToAdd wrote:


Yosef,

I admire your perseverance and determination.

Just to share with you what works for me or rather what did not work for me.

You say that you could do with positiveness. For a long time i tried identifying which moods made me act out and tried to avoid those moods. I learnt the hard way that good moods never last, however hard i tried. Inevitably something will happen to change my mood, beyond my control. So if my sobriety depends on keeping myself in a positive mood, I have no chance.

(i also became aware that I am equally powerless over being happy as i am over being low, so i was really stuck).

I am thankfully aware today that i am a human being with mood swings and many different situations, many of which i cannot anticipate or control. And today i accept that that is who i am, and that yes, on my own i cannot control my moods or my emotions.

But I have learnt that I don't have to worry, because my Abba takes care of me, if I make a decision to give my life and will to His care today.

chesky wrote:


So you made that decision...that is impressive...I wish I could as well. but tell me please, after you came to that conclusion, how did He help you? Many people are writing here that they have urges and desires and tayvos and they cant control themselves...and then they fall, but b"H, they get back up again. You write: Come to the conclusion that you are powerless without a higher authority (first of the steps) and Abba will take care. I am not poking fun c"v. But please tell us: what happens practically at that moment of desire? What does He do to prevent the fall?

I hope you will explain somewhat; thank you so much

Thanks Chesky.
I was aware of the mood I was in and I think that helped me remain clean.

I made practical steps to deal with the situation:
I went for a walk, thinking about what to do. Based mostly on some advice I found online, I thought about the following 3 things:
1) Focus, set clear goals.
Picture yourself as you would like to be, not where you are.
If you are driving a car and you focus entirely on a pole, you are going to hit that pole. Rather focus on where you want to go and you will go there.
2) Get the best help / tools
What do you need to get to where you want to be?
3) Resolve inner conflicts
These hold you back.

Instead of viewing myself as a sad, lost little person who's unwilling to improve, I pictured myself as a successful man who is busy helping and enjoying without time to look at smut.
What do I need? I need help from the outside, some friends I can talk to, people that can teach me what they know. The forums help, but what I really need is someone I can talk to face to face.
I then moved on to identifying points of inner conflict:
I want to be faithful to my wife while I want an imaginary girlfriend.
I want to be successful but I want to sit in comfort and not exert myself.
I want to interact but most of my friends now mainly interact through facebook and that place is a deathtrap for me.

Some good stuff in there. I definitely have some inner conflicts that I need to sort out. I need to identify each point of conflict and decide which is the right way to go.
Some are obvious while I'm sure there are many I have not identified.
Some are easy to change, while others are set in habit or indoctrinated.

I would love to just hand this problem over to Abba. "Abba, you look after me so that I can get on with life." But this IS life. I know it will turn out Good because Abba is there, but this is a challenge he gave me. If I put in my part, then Abba will ensure that the outcome is Good, even if it is not what I think Good is.

Thank you Abba, I love You!

[quote="cordnoy" post=216228]chesky wrote:


I appreciate your questions, and i will try to share what i can to the best of my ability. Before I do i ask HaShem to please guide me.

i want to make clear that I am not an authority on any of this. i am a sexaholic who learnt the hard way that i cannot stay clean and certainly not live a life of sanity on my own without acting out. I can only share my own experience.

I want to share a conversation I had with my wife, who for reasons that are beyond me accepted the fact that she lives her life with someone who goes two or three times a week to meetings with sexaholics and has a sponsor etc.

So, we were discussing an issue about which we were pretty stuck deciding how to handle and we both agreed that we did not have a way out. So i suggested that we accept the fact that we are incapable of handling the situation and ask HaShem to be with us and guide us.

To which she said "Yes, but bottom line, what will He do?" and I explained that if I knew the answer to that I would not need Him,in fact I would be competing with Him.

The point I am making is that when I turn my life and will to G-d for today, I do so EVEN THOUGH I AM SURE THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN BE DONE. I can have a terrible urge to lust (in my head, not after triggering myself, that's different), and I am obsessed and absolutely convinced that if i don't get my fix, NOTHING will help me and I am SURE that there is nothing G-d can do to save me either.

BUT, I have come to believe that HE CAN. It began with seeing other members at meetings who are clean today for no other explanation other than by the grace of G-d.

Do you think that when i accept HaShem's will for today, that a malach comes down and gives me a kiss to make me feel better? Or if I missed the bus and i am powerless over my frustration that the bus turns around and comes back to pick me up?

Sorry to disappoint you. I have no fancy stories of nissim for you. But the biggest miracle is that I am clean today and despite the fact the i do not act out, i am still alive and functioning. Now that might not like such an amazing achievement, but statistically if for almost twenty years i could not stay clean for more that a few days, then that is a miracle.

So stop thinking what He can do to help you. That is why He is G-d and not you. Accept the fact that TODAY you cannot be clean on your own (not after 120 days), and TALK TO HIM. Tell Him that it is so hard you will never make it, that you are going to die without it, that you are angry with Him (if you feel that way), that you are thankful...tell him all your emotions... and you may find that you do NOT NEED TO act-out.

ToAdd wrote:


Thank you Yosef for this.

May He be with us and grant us a clean and sane day.

thank you for the response

my post was lost as ie crashed in the middle

several points:

1. in my 60 clean days, my urges and desires have been very few
2. that might be why G-d is not forefront in my brain
3. I know that I am powerless myself to stop this behavior
4. I have asked Him several times to help
5. I am not an imbecile (I am other things), so I do not entertain thoughts of 'kochi v'otzem yadi.'
6. the part of what can He do if I wanna act out, where you wrote that this is not our field, I appreciate that immensely.
7. my main point is what was the concrete step that you on this world took thru the help of G-d that could have been the catalyst for your stopping?

thank you again

Thank you Chesky for writing such a clear and methodical post. Thank you cordnoy for your well-placed questions. I am learning from the two of you.

cordnoy wrote:

Kochi v'otzem yadi has nothing to do with intelligence. We may know in our minds that we are dependant on Hashem, but we do not live with that knowledge. We don't experience it in our emotions. It doesn't guide the way we act.

cordnoy wrote:


Concrete steps?

For me it meant going to SA meetings, and sharing with live people my admission of powerlessness over lust, my emotions and many other things in my life.

Unfortunately there are no short cuts, at least for me. I am sure that there are other ways bu that is what worked for me.

Thank you for reminding me of this. May HaShem be with us and grant us a clean and sane day.

gibbor, what I meant was that some might say that it is their own strength and power that wins the battle over lust, without assistance from the One Above..I am not enough of an imbecile to say that.

Okay, I'm back on this thread.
I had a couple of falls last week but it's time to move on.

Yom Kippur was very good for me and has given me a fresh start.
Forgiving oneself is also an important part of recovering.
So according to my calendar, that makes today day 3.

Why did I fall this time?
I was off from work, sick. Lying in bed, alone, bored.
The first day I was just browsing the net and eventually ended up in the deep end.
The second day was intentional.

Does that mean the first fall was not intentional? No, not at all. I was browsing with lust on my mind, telling myself "no", but acting out "YES".

I did have stuff to do, but now I had time off.
I guess that to me it meant time off from everything.

Putting it all together, I realize that this comes down to the basics of how a person works...
I am a lump of dirt, animated by an animal.
Riding that animal is "me".
If I sit back and relax, that animal is going to run off and do what it's habituated to do. My job here is to guide and train that animal to do good things and reject the bad.

To sum it up: I am not in a position where I can simply sit back and relax and not work on myself. If I let go of the reins, I will end up in the dirt.

I'm 4.5 years sober and I still won't let myself get on the computer at home if my wife isn't home.

Good tip
But (there's always a "but" with people like me who haven't got this under control yet)
I need to work from home too.

It takes a real man to abstain.
Right now, in a clean streak, it seems so easy to just stay away and just say no.
Those moments of weakness are just overpowering.
It would help if I was more afraid of porn than of the antidotes *. -eg having a shower, going for a jog, coming to this forum; whatever can get my mind off it.

Trying to do work when starting to lust just doesn't work for me.
I need to clean my work environment and learn to focus again.

*re-reading that has shown me how manipulative the YH / soton is.
There is almost a fear of doing those things which remove lust. It is as if lust is a being of its own that takes charge, and lust is obviously afraid of those things.
Any normal day, I can do those without any hesitation.

Anyway, 3 days of no computing coming up.
That in itself makes me happy about these Holy Days.

Have a great Succos, may H" shelter you from all bad things.

AlexEliezer wrote:


That's actually very inspirational. Thank you.