My name is tzadik hador and I am new here. I find that I rationalize my bad actions because of my wife. She's frustrating, slow, and sometimes critical. That makes me want to find comfort in forbidden images. There must be a better way. Any suggestions for how to abstain when life is not going the way I would like?

First of all, welcome! Nice to meet you. I guarantee you are not the only one who has this issue. However, as I am relatively new myself around here, I will leave the advice dispensing to those wiser and more eloquent than myself.

In the meantime, tell us more about yourself. How long have you been struggling with this? When did you decide to stop? Why do you want to stop?

Welcome!!!

The only way I know is to learn to like life the way it's going.

Look around on the forum, there is a lot you will learn, from tips on stopping to life alternating realizations.

It takes a lot of hard work on ourselves to realize that we are the problem not others, so stick around, and start your journey together with the rest of us!!

Wishing you much Hatzlacha!!

welcome and youre in the right place

lets hear what the issues are

perhaps we can help besides saying to work on yourself first

bhatzlachah

Welcome!

I would suggest you start by reading Garden of Peace by R' Sholom Arush.

You can only fix yourself, independent of what your wife is or is not doing. We addicts will take any excuse we can find to get our drug.

The problem pre-dated my marriage. I want to stop because it's spiritually bad.

I read Shalom Arush. that's why my marriage isn't so much worse. Rabbis are amazed at the patience I have with her. But I can always use some improvement.

my wife suffered from abuse and neglect for a long time. that makes her uptight, angry, and obsessive. but I had this problem so before, so I know it's not all about her.

tzadik hador wrote:

I can only speak from my own experience, but here goes:

For myself, I don't think "spiritually bad" is enough to stop me. While we all believe in the concept of Gehennom, etc., that does not seem to do it in many, if not most cases. If you are holy enough that the thought of Gehennom can stop you from aveiros, then you can stop reading my silly advice now. But then you probably wouldn't be here now, I imagine.

I kind of got jolted into recovery when I was fired from an internship a couple of years ago. That was also how my wife found out. Even since then, it has not been smooth sailing. My point is, I think the reason to stop has to be something much more closer to home than "it's spiritually bad." Don't get me wrong, it IS spiritually bad, devastating in fact, but somehow, b'shaas maiseh, spiritually bad does not seem to measure up to physically sweet.

I am not a big 12 steps maven, but from hanging around GYE for the last couple of months I have seen enough to know that serious recovery depends on admitting that life has become unmanageable. That means (at least to me) that quitting cannot be a choice, it has to be that we surrender to the fact that the Yeitzer Hara is way stronger than us, hands down, and if we keep giving in, we are dead.

tzadik hador wrote:

Any suggestions for how I should convince myself not to jump off a bridge when life isn't going so well? The answer is, you can convince yourself however you want, but just don't jump, 'cuz who is gonna clean up the mess? This argument works if you believe that acting out is as fatal as jumping off a bridge.


By the way, does your wife know about your struggle? I don't mean that you should tell her, but it just puts things in perspective a little. Do you have kids? Are they old enough to know about this problem? I find it powerful to think about my kids, who are too young and innocent to really know about my problem, but what happens if they would ever (chas veshalom a million times over) find out about what what Abba was caught doing, R"L? I can barely type those words, it is so frightening.

Sorry, you are very new here, I don't mean to be too rough with you. You are a big tzaddik and I am just a sick lust addict, so I will shut my mouth now.

tryingtoshteig wrote:
ורמינהו

tryingtoshteig wrote:

תיקו

Hi tzadik! Welcome! Your issues are not uncommon at all on this forum.

You say that your wife suffered abuse and neglect. Has she been to therapy? Did it help? Does she realize that she has issues? Does she want help?

One of the most inpiring threads on this forum is from "shalom bayis". Take some time to read it. It is well worth it.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/119441-Breaking-Out-of-the-Cycle#119441

You are in a difficult situation, but you can only control your own actions, not your wife's.

When we act out, it does affect our shalom bayis whether our wives know or not. They always "know" even if they don't know conciously. Dealing with your own issues can only make things better.

Keep posting and Keep On Truckin (KOT!). It's kind of our motto here.

good point- she "knows" even if she does not know. part of the illusion of addiction is imagining there are no consequences.

tzadik hador wrote:


usually, when life is not goin' the way we like - that is the perfect time to act out.
Workin' on oneself and realizin' that we are not the director can go a long way.